Jokes

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

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  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window.”
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  79. Put them on hold.
  80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
  82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  84. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  85. Haggle.
  86. Order a one-inch pizza.
  87. Order term life insurance.
  88. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
  92. Engage in some serious swapping.
  93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  97. Order a steamed pizza.
  98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
  99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
  100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
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Been There – Shit Happened

Boldly Going Nowhere

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

Cover me, I’m changing lanes.

Don’t laugh, your daughter may be inside – (on a custom van)

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.

Hang up and drive.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Honk if anything falls off

Honk if you’re ontologically alienated

Horn broken watch for finger

How can I get in your way when you don’t even have one?

I brake for no apparent reason

I don’t brake.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Iconoclast

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If you can read this, please flip me back over… (seen upside down, on a Jeep)

If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now

I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Karmically Challenged

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

My other car has bumperstickers, too

My son isn’t an honor student. He plays hockey.

Post Cool

Question Appearances

Question Authority

Question Reality

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

So many pedestrians so little time

Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

This bumpersticker exploits illiterates

This is it, I don’t have another car.

This is Not an Abandoned Vehicle – on an old, rusted-out car with 2 plastic bags taped over where the rear windows used to be, parked in a shopping center.

Today’s Mood: Irritable

Warning! I brake for hallucinations

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Welcome to California. Now Go Home.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Continue ReadingEven More One-Liners

More Funny One-Liners

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More funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that would look great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.

Leave bad enough alone!

Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.

Lethargy in motion.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Living well is the best revenge.

Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know — Caroline Lamb, referring to Lord Byron

Make no enemies accidentally.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

Minimum wage for politicians.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My Reality Check bounced.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France

My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

My mom thinks I’m at the movies.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No good deed goes unpunished.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not all who wander are lost

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known – Montaigne

Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is – Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 – ?54 BCE)

Oh, evolve!

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Our parents were never our age.

Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

Quantum mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.

Sanity is madness put to good uses – Santayana.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile. It confuses People.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

So many fools, so few comets.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

Some things are sacred–I haven’t taken them apart yet.

Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do – Bertrand Russell

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have

Take my advice. I’m not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

That was before … now you’re dealing with Me.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The early bird still has to eat the worms.

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound – Anonymous

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

The lunatic fringe begins here.

The meek are getting ready…

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. – Bertrand Russell

The trouble with you is that you’re alive

The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The windmills are winning.

There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There you go again, thinking you have rights.

There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of it as evolution in action.

This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?

This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.

This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.

This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once — it’s not working.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered – Voltaire

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful – Mae West

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

Warning! Whimsical when bored

Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We are not amused.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

We’re all mad here.

Welcome back to square one.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What a long, strange trip it’s been.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

What color is the sky in your world?

What could possible go wrong?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I’ll buy it for you."

Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time–that should be enough for most purposes.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

You get what you settle for.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You’re only young once–after that you need another excuse.

Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.

Your silliness has been noted.

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