Signs You Won’t Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

Christmas Gift


10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss’s Christmas card says, "Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times

1. You’re the starting quarterback for the Bears.

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‘Twas The Night Before Techmas


‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – "Now Dasher, now Dancer…" et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

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Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren’t


Author Unknown

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!

7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. Well, if you can’t get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

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Fun Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

Author Unknown

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. If people need chimney services, view here and get them best ones in town!

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

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Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree

Christmas Tree

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman’s opening line: "You’re not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. Keeps heckling your lame top ten list

4. It’s very small and says "air freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

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The Next Stop

Gingerbread Man

Author Unknown

A little boy was playing in the living room with his new Electric Train set that he’d just gotten for Christmas. His mother was in the kitchen doing dishes.

The mother heard the train stop and heard her son bellow out, "All you sons-a-bitches that want to disembark do it now. Any of you bastards who want to get on had better get going cause we’re fixin’ to leave."

Stunned, his mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran into the living room. She yanked her son up and said, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house young man! Now you can go up to your room and you can come out in two hours after you’ve thought about your behavior."

The little boy went to his room and returned to the living room in two hours and started playing with his train again. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy say, "I would like to thank those of you leaving for traveling with us today. Please don’t forget to take your personal items with you. For those of you boarding the train, please store your personal items under your seats or in the overhead bins. We will be leaving shortly."

His mother was just as proud as a mother could be. Her heart full of pride, she heard him continue, "And those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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You Might Be A Scrooge If…


author unknown

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog – you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge

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Politically Correct Santa

Author Unknown

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

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A Martha Stewart Christmas

Author Unknown

The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post’s "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart’s December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)

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