Golfing in Ireland

Author Unknown


One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It’s great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Continue ReadingGolfing in Ireland

Christmas Sampler

"Santa’s Lap"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn’t you get my E-mail?"

"Christmas Pageant"

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

"The Nativity Scene"

A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That’s Round John Virgin."

"The Lost Purse"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward."

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How Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters

Santa List

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.

How ’bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.

Dear Santa,
Can you please get my parents back together. Please see what you can do.

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!

Continue ReadingHow Santa Wishes He Could Answer Letters

Dear Santa from Billy Gates

Author Unknown

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you’ve had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It’s really neat how you’re able to do that year after year. I guess that’s how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It’s an impressive operation.

I also like how you’ve got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you’re a huge success, people still don’t know much about your private life. It’s just rumors. That’s so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you’re designing toys, only your elves know what you’re doing, and you’re way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you’re making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy’s stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can’t deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don’t play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don’t get is why you give away stuff. That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. I admit, its why you’re number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here’s an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That’s so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don’t have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you windows. Everybody has windows.

That’s about all I have to say. You’re probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don’t really like to talk about my personal life, if that’s O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don’t really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I’m sort of like you– I make my own toys.

Best of luck,

Billy Gates

Continue ReadingDear Santa from Billy Gates

English Xmas Kitties

Stacy Mineart

Today was yet another day in that inevitable annual melee we call christmas preparation. The rarity of Sunday opening hours in England necesitates that on such occasions every able-bodied individual must pile onto the high street to take advantage of the extra shopping opportunity whether they need anything or not. Thus, when I meandered into town at the bum crack of dawn (about 11:30 am at the moment) I was immediately surrounded by hordes of screaming cherubs gift-wrapped in their Sunday Best.

Elderly women with glorified suitcases on wheels used their carry-on equipage as weapons to smite any unfortunate pedestrian who might possibly be thinking of squeezing through the shop entrance before them. I waded into the mosh pit (complete with Mariah Carey on Muzak, having herself a merry little Christmas) and emerged two hours later at dusk, with Christmas tree and various accessories including toilet paper. (In fact, every person in the shop was carrying at least one package of toilet paper. I figured it was mandatory so I joined in, lest they turn me away from the check-out line for lack of bathroom tissue. Perhaps British people use it to decorate their trees?)

Having learned the art of crowd control, I used the christmas tree box to take out two toddlers and an old woman who were holding me up at the cross walk. Skillfully dodging the dentures as they bounced off the windscreen of a nearby car, I sauntered home whistling Jingle Bells. (ok, I wasn’t really whistling. I can’t whistle, even a little bit. But I was thinking Jingle Bells.) I arrived home as the stars were coming out (it must have been 2:30 by that time) and prepared to decorate the fatted calf.

As I did so, the cats took greater than average interest in the proceedings. Their dialogue was as follows:

I say, Gunther. There appears to be a new houseplant.

Plant, eh? Can we climb it? Have a go.

No, mate. Its too prickly.

Seems a bit unsteady, that. They want to water it.

Oh, by all means-

No, son. You know what mum said about watering her plants that way.

Oh. Quite right. Anyway, maybe it’s edible.

Not bad. It has a piquant, plastic sort of aftertaste.

I say, ol boy, lets go …I say! What the bloody hell are you doing?

Sorry mate. That shoelace was giving me a dirty look.

Ah. Rummy bastards. Is it dead?

I think so. For now, anyway. You never can tell with those sneaky sods.

Quite right. Anyway, I was saying, lets go purr round mum and see if she’ll sort us some proper nosh.

Capital, mate. Lead on.

(entering the bedroom)

Strewth! Look at all that paper!

Sweet fancy moses! Its strewn right cross the bed an all! We can’t be havin’ that.

Its the crinkly kind as well. It can’t be safe.

Lets sort it out, mate!

Yeehaw! (and other cat-like expressions of war)

***Sounds of a scuffle ensue***

Oi! What’s that you’ve got mate?

Bubble wrap. Blast these unopposable thumbs!

Pee on it mate, that’ll show it!


Hold up a minute son, do you see what I see?

What, you mean those boxes?

Yeah. Remember what happened last time mum got boxes?

Oh, bloody hell. My bollocks still haven’t grown back from that time.

You an me both, mate. We’ll have to get rid of those boxes.

I don’t know, son. They’ve all got stuff in ’em. Rattly stuff.

Are they edible?

Naw, too many staples.

Right. They must be just like the other box in the loo, then.

Ah. Brilliant. I needed a waz anyway.

Wait! Somebody’s coming. Run for it!

(back downstairs)

What now, then?

Lets just go nosh on that new houseplant.

Oh, quite right. Hang on! What’s happened to it?

Bilmey! Its gone all sparkly!

I don’t like the looks of that.

No, way! Is it actually twinkling at us?

And is that toilet paper hanging on it?

And on the top! Do you see what I see?

Another bloody shoelace! Rummy bastards, how do they do it?

Its red and velvety as well. You know those are the worst kind.

Did it just say something about your mother?

Thats it, I’m going up there…

Carry on, I’ll cover you.


Curses! You fool! Somebody’s coming! Assume the position!

What position?

Lie on the couch like you’re sleeping. That way they blame the dog.

Ah. Quite right.


I’m not quite sure if these were there actual words. The above is a reconstruction based on the evidence I found when I arrived. Anyway, now I must go and re-erect my toilet papered tree.

Continue ReadingEnglish Xmas Kitties

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Internet Version

Christmas Sweater

Author Unknown

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and throughout the net,
not a modem was chirping; (It wasn’t mail-hour yet).
The peripherals down and backed up with care,
In hopes that St. Echo soon would be there.

The grad students home all snug in their beds,
with hi-res dreams abuzz in their heads.
We Sysops lounged by the terminal’s glow,
With occasional bursts of RF snow.

When from the hard drives there came such a clatter,
To the consoles we sprang to see what was the matter.
The monitor cleared, then flashed red and green,
as we hunched in our chairs around the machine.

When what to our wondering eyes should appear,
but VGA graphics of a sleigh and reindeer,
with a bitmapped driver, a lively old fellow,
I knew right away it must be St. Echo.

Faster than mnp his packets they came,
and he whistled and shouted as he called them by name:
"Now, Arpa! now, Bitnet! now, Opus and D-Comm!
On, CC:Mail and Fido and SEAdog and TComm!
Over Watts and Pursuit, via long-distance call,
Now hack away, hack away, hack away all!

As fast as the switching that sends them about,
When they meet with a BUSY, change to "host route",
So onto the mailer, and protocol sync,
when the RD and SD lights ceased to blink.
There off the screen, I saw a reflection,
and turned ’round to look in the other direction.

Right there behind us, amidst the tech-toys,
Had appeared St. Echo, with not even a noise.
Wearing a grimy red jumpsuit from his feet to his beard,
None but a techie could look that weird.
Odd bits of surplus hung out of his sack,
that bulged at odd angles slung over his back.

His eyes did .twinkle, though somewhat bleary,
from staring at monitors, yet still quite merry.
the corners of his mouth were turned up in a ,
and a scraggly grey beard hung down from his chin.
A ‘486 portable in his left hand was held,
and a cellular modem was strapped to his belt.

I d to see him, this overweight gnome,
he settled down by the CP, as if it ’twere home.
A flip of the toggles, and a tug on his beard,
soon showed us that he was not to be feared.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to work,
filled all empty sockets, then with a swift jerk,
replaced a few boards inside the machine,
turned it back on and checked it out clean.

The screen cleared once more, flashed green and red,
as he faded from sight he (wave)d and said;
"Keep the net singing, and I’ll always be near,
Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year!"

Continue Reading‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Internet Version

Microsoft Acquires Christmas

by Robert Reiser

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. Christmas is always a special moment to freeze especially when it is decorated with Patio lighting . In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office 97.”

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. You can also check out Video Production Services near me if you need the best video quality.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 97. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows97 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[97] as early as November first.”

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.” Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

Continue ReadingMicrosoft Acquires Christmas

The Net Before Christmas

by Jim Trudeau & Jay Trudeau (1991)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.

Continue ReadingThe Net Before Christmas

Things Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Christmas Tree
Christmas Tree

Author Unknown

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

"You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…"

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker."

"If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!"

"You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where’s the cat?"

Continue ReadingThings Not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Company Christmas Party Memo

Santa Bag

author unknown

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Continue ReadingCompany Christmas Party Memo