The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

author unknown

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Custom Pet Face Gift that you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. When choosing gifts for your loved ones, it’s important to make sure they are thoughtful and appropriate for the occasion. For instance, if you’re looking for ways to support someone who has recently lost their mother, you might consider memorial gifts that can help them remember their loved one and find comfort in difficult times. It’s essential to avoid buying gifts for yourself and pretending they are for the grieving person, as it can come across as insincere and insensitive. For example, giving a mother who has recently lost her child a toy you’ve been wanting to play with is inappropriate and can be hurtful. Instead, consider memorial gifts for loss of mother that are meaningful and show that you care. Some examples might include personalized photo albums or jewelry, a memorial tree or plant, or a thoughtful piece of art that reflects the personality and interests of their loved one. By taking the time to choose a heartfelt and appropriate gift, you can show your support and help your loved one through a difficult time.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.)

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Continue ReadingThe 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

Chanukah Song (Version Two)

Star of David

Adam Sandler

Time to take out those menorahs!

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here’s a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder drinks Manachevett’s wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravits is half Jewish
Courtney Love is half, too
Put them together
What a funky, bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And, yes, her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
Two time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmonica celebrates Chanukah

OJ Simpson, still not a Jew
But guess who is
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn’t, but now he’s back
Mary Tyler Moore’s husband is Jewish
‘Cause we’re pretty good in the sack

Guess who got barmitzvahed on the PGA Tour
No, I’m not talking about Tiger Woods
I’m talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore
So many Jews are in the showbiz
Bruce Springstein isn’t Jewish
But my mother thinks he is

Tell that ho Lamonica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah
It’s not pronounced CH-anukah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tiajuanica
If you really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah
Hapyy Chanukah!

Continue ReadingChanukah Song (Version Two)

Chanukah Song (Version One)

Chanukah Candles

Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
So much fun-uka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is, the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you fell like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here’s a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So does James Concord Douglas and the late Dina Shora
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.

Ponoman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half, too.
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew

You don’t need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock
‘Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Both Jewish!

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish –
Not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is Jewish
Well he’s not, but guess who is?
All three stooges

So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It’s time to celebrat Chanukah
Don’t forget harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonic-a
And smoke your maraijuana-ca
If you really, really, really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah

Happy Chanukah

Continue ReadingChanukah Song (Version One)

The Three Wise Firefighters

Three Wise Men
Three Wise Men

Author Unknown

In a small southern town there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. However, one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She got her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’"

Continue ReadingThe Three Wise Firefighters

Home for the Holidays

p class=”author”>Author Unknown

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I’ll handle this!"

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don’t do ANYTHING until we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Continue ReadingHome for the Holidays

Items on Osama’s Christmas List

11. My First Chemist’s Weapon of Mass Destruction.
10. My Pretty Pony Glue Factory
9. Fisher Price Particle Accelerator
8. Mountain Mike’s Cave Digger Kit
7. sandbox
6. Ali Aibo, electronic pet camel
5. Easy Bake Falafel Oven
4. Sesame Street’s Torture Me Bert
3. Wham-o Exploding Frisbee
2. Bedazzler Beard Decorator
1. Kabul Barbie Car Bomb

Nevermind that he probably doesn’t actually celebrate Christmas, you know?

Continue ReadingItems on Osama’s Christmas List

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
1. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket
2. Walk softly and carry a big carrot
3. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
4. There’s no such thing as too much candy
5. All work and no play can make you a basket case
6. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
7. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
8. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
9. Some body parts should be floppy
10. Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans
11. Good things come in small, sugar-coated packages
12. The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket
13. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
14. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
15. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

Continue ReadingAll I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

My Family Christmas Letter – 1999

My cousin Sarah wrote her family’s Christmas letter this year, which I just got in the mail. If I’d written the Christmas letter for my family, it probably would have gone something like this:

This year was pretty amazing for the Mineart family — no one flunked out of school, or got thrown in jail, divorced or held up at gunpoint. Stacy found a dead guy on her doorstep one morning when leaving for school, but it turned out he was a resident in her building and he just died of old age, so it was all okay.

In addition, practically everyone in the family who isn’t already married got engaged in the past year, which just goes to prove two things: we can be a charming bunch when we have to be, and there’s a sucker born every minute.

No one went broke this year, and as usual, Dad made a big pile of cash, but there’s nothing new about that. He bought ANOTHER Corvette, which I think is just about enough for any one guy. I mean really, you can only drive one car at a time. (Kidding, Dad.) Stacy and Scott both finally graduated from college, and Riley went to kindergarten that was set up by Ivy Kids Franchise, which means, folks, that we are getting OLD.

Mom got a big dog and an invisible fence, and Todd and Denise got a second cat. My fish died.

I think Dad and Carol went to Australia, because I got this cool aboriginal art thingy for Christmas, and all the boys got boomerangs. I’ll bet it was a swell trip.

Stacy went to England for about the bajillionth time, but this time is different because she actually conned them into letting her stay there permanently by getting engaged to Roger. Those English don’t know what they’re in for. Then Stacy ruined the whole thing by actually giving us her address and telephone number, which means we can go over and visit her, which defeats the purpose of her leaving the country to get the heck away from us.

My only trip this year was to Chicago, but I had fun and I did get to see all those cows on the Miracle Mile.

Paul ran in the mini-marathon, and Gary’s still swimming. I actually played volleyball all summer. Seriously, I did.

I worked on my webpage constantly, but Scott hasn’t touched his in ages, and I’m thinking of turning it in to the “Cobweb Sites of the Month” website and see if it wins an award. Dude, get to work.

Nobody was in any musicals or anything, but that’s probably good, because I’m the only one who can carry a tune, and that’s after years of practice.

Continue ReadingMy Family Christmas Letter – 1999

The X (mas) Files

Author Unknown

Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings
hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone’s been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here — its fruitcake.

Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It’s O.K. there’s a note attached: "Gonna find out who’s naughty and

Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter
solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers
and punish its disbeliveers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that’s legend, Mulder – a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely, you don’t believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were
locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the
roof and came down the chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home
was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato

Scully: I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics.
You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and
brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll
close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you’re

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys
in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from
the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. No one, not even the zookeeper, was told about
it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing were proved to exist, then
the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy.
Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature
lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another
silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I —

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . .a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.

Continue ReadingThe X (mas) Files

The Official Roslyn’s Bakery Costume – Halloween 1999

Author Unknown

Note: For those of you who don’t know, Indianapolis’ Roslyn Bakeries (well-known local establishments for years) were closed because of the unsanitary conditions of their factory.

You have been chosen to wear the official Roslyn’s Bakery costume for Halloween 1999. As an Ex-employee your costume will consist of the following dress code – if you should take on this job, you will be paid minimum wage with all the pies and cookies you can eat free. Thank-you for your interest with Roslyn Bakery.

Sincerely, Jeff Clark

the official costume:

the following items need to be worn daily:

  • 1. (1) white waitress style dress or lab coat.
  • 2.(1) hair net or pill hat with logo.
  • 3. (1) box of roslyn pastries tied up in a white/pink box with attached strings.
  • 4. (1) name tag with employee name and ss# on company logo.
  • 5. (20) rubber toy cockroaches to be clipped on all over entire costume -may substitute rodents if needed.
  • 6. (1) box of rat poison if desired prop is needed.

Thank-you again for shopping at Roslyn’s Bakery!

If you’d like more information on becoming an ex-employee of Roslyn’s bakery…let’s talk. You supply the beverage – I’ll bring the yummy pie and droppings!

Equal opportunity employment-includes rodents and bugs.

Continue ReadingThe Official Roslyn’s Bakery Costume – Halloween 1999