Discouraged Gay Men Chain Letter

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author unknown

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged gay men.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then, bundle up your partner or boyfriend and send him to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom.

When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men, four of whom were worth keeping.

Remember – this chain brings luck. Bob of Omaha’s dog died, and the next day he received a bodybuilder.

You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! Seth of Boise broke the chain and got his own boyfriend back.

Continue ReadingDiscouraged Gay Men Chain Letter

The Gay Genie

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Author Unknown

A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.

The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"

The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.

"Nope, just one…due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So…what’ll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"

The man shook his head ‘no’, and didn’t hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don’t think so, not in this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish."

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man, you know, one that’s considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex from me, doesn’t do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That’s what I wish for… the perfect guy to have as my lover."

The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh Miss Thang… let me see that map again."

Continue ReadingThe Gay Genie

The Perfect Man

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The Perfect Man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
cleaning and vaccuuming, too.
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The Perfect Man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother,
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem,

The Perfect Man is gay.

Continue ReadingThe Perfect Man

You Know You’re Gay When…

Author Unknown

  1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
  2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
  3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
  5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
  6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
  7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
  8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
  9. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
  10. You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
  11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
  12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
  13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
  14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
  15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  16. Your pets always have great names.
  17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.
  18. You’re the only guy who gets to do the "Cosmo" quizzes.
  19. You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
  20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
  22. You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
  23. You get to choose your family.
  24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  25. You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
  26. You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
  27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
  28. You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
  29. You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
  30. You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  31. You know how to "air kiss".
  32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
  33. You know how to dress strategically.
  34. You know when to move out and move on.
  35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
  36. You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
  37. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn’t necessarily an insult.
  38. You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
  39. You know which wine to bring.
  40. Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
  41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  43. You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
  44. You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
  45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
  47. You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  48. You have the latest International Male catalog.
  49. You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
  50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
Continue ReadingYou Know You’re Gay When…

Gay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

By Jefferson Morley

“Most mental-health organizations have passed resolutions discouraging the use of so-called reparative therapies intended to change homosexuals into heterosexuals, saying no scientific evidence exists to show they are effective.” —- New York Times, May 9, 2001

To people who say that psychotherapy cannot change a person’s sexual orientation, Dr. Rafe Da Vinci of Miami Beach says, “Numbers aren’t straight or queer, they’re clear. And the numbers show that therapy can change orientation, especially among men.”

Da Vinci, a veteran psychiatrist with a booming practice in a Collins Avenue high-rise, is attracting growing attention in the debate about so-called “reparative therapies” that seek to change a person’s sexual orientation. Doctors, gay rights activists, and others who say that sexual orientation is determined early in life have questioned claims that people with homosexual tendencies can overcome them via psychotherapy. Da Vinci’s practice focuses on an oft-neglected group at the heart of this debate: straight men who wish to become gay.

“Survey data from submarines, discos, and prisons show that anywhere from 9 to 23 percent of males say they have a desire to become gay,” Da Vinci said in a recent interview. “I think we have shown that these same men, if they commit themselves to an intensive course of therapy, can become happy homosexuals.”

Heterosexual rights activists have questioned Da Vinci’s data and criticized his politics, saying that his practice stigmatizes perfectly normal straight people and exploits their feelings of shame and guilt. Critics also allege that Da Vinci supported a resolution at the 1978 American Congress of Psychotherapists defining heterosexuality as a “uniquely vexing condition.” The motion was narrowly defeated. Da Vinci denies any intention of fomenting intolerance of the straight lifestyle, saying that he was married to his third wife at the time.

Bearded, avuncular, and outspoken, Da Vinci has attracted hundreds of clients from all over south Florida with a controversial counseling regimen that includes group discussions about how best to cope with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. There are also frequent trips to Dean & DeLuca and a reading list that includes Remembrance of Things Past, Dennis Rodman’s memoirs, and The Seven Habits of Highly Homosexual People.

“In Freudian terms, we seek to reverse the Oedipal cycle, transferring the object identification with the unrealizable female Other into a more cognitive attachment to a responsible male, preferably one with a BMW,” Da Vinci explained.

Originally a skeptic about reparative therapies, Da Vinci now says he is a believer.

“The non-straight heterosexual can reconcile his value system and his orientation,” he says. “I’ve seen it happen in my office.”

Da Vinci’s latest book, Going Gay (Gomorrah Press), is now ranked 14,342 on the Amazon.com best-seller list and is climbing rapidly. His claims of success, while hotly disputed by heterosexual rights activists, are beginning to receive respectful coverage in professional journals. Last year Da Vinci published a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Gendered Genetics that is stirring debate on the Internet and on talk radio shows in some parts of Western Australia.

Out of 111 men who had undergone his “Gay for Good” course of therapy for at least a year, Da Vinci reported that 29 said that they no longer had sexual fantasies involving Rachel from Friends. An additional 21 men reported that while they still hoped to date Anna Kournikova someday, they were “somewhat happier” with their homosexual lifestyle. Da Vinci acknowledges that a slight majority of the men, 55 in total, reverted back to a straight lifestyle. Six of the reversion group, he noted, had committed suicide.

“Clearly, this therapy isn’t for everybody,” Da Vinci said.

The most common motivating factors cited by men who want to become gay, according to Da Vinci’s survey, were “morality” (58 percent), “better clothes” (39 percent), and “more quality time at the gym” (28 percent).

“A lot of these guys say they deeply believe that it’s just not right to get into a reproductive relationship in an era of dwindling natural resources,” Da Vinci said. “Others want to uphold the moral values exemplified by Western thinkers from Socrates to Allan Bloom.”

Da Vinci expressed surprise that among the motivations of those seeking to stay gay for good, “more sexual partners” only barely edged out “less watching of football” (22 percent to 21 percent). He said older patients in his study group most often cited “live like Cary Grant” (11 percent) and “a lot more sexual partners” (9 percent) as reasons for leaving the straight lifestyle. Younger clients spoke of “increased opportunities for meeting Ricky Martin in person” (5 percent).

Garth LeBouche, executive director of the Straight Support Network, a heterosexual activist group based in Arlington, Texas, decried Da Vinci’s claims as “agenda-driven.”

He criticized Da Vinci’s reports about heterosexual suicide. According to published interviews, two of the men cited in Da Vinci’s study had not committed suicide but had perished from heat exhaustion at a PTA meeting. A third fatality, LeBouche said, had strangled on a Happy Meal toy while playing with his 4-year-old son.

“Do those sound like men who died unhappy about their heterosexuality?” LeBouche said in a telephone interview. “Only an intolerant extremist would say such a thing.”

LeBouche praised the recent decision of the Bush administration to reverse an executive order issued by President Clinton on his last day in office that would have included “Gay for Good” on a list of reparative therapies paid for by the U.S. Navy’s health plan.

“This crazy notion that we can talk people into loving someone else should not be financed by the U.S. taxpayer,” LeBouche said.

Da Vinci, a registered Republican who voted for McCain, says he regrets the administration’s decision but will not contest it.

“Ending coverage will most likely hurt unit morale. On those submarines where the presence of straight people may be perceived by homosexuals as incompatible with tradition, the Gay for Good program helped some sailors fit in. Now, unhappy heterosexuals, who I suspect voted overwhelmingly for Bush, will have nowhere to turn. It’s sad.”

The tanned and buff doctor scoffs at published reports in the gay press that he is a closet heterosexual. He says that he and his longtime spiritual companion of three weeks, physical trainer Ferdinand Mateo of Brazil, are now seeking to develop conversion therapy for women.

“Our research,” Da Vinci says, “suggests that up to 72 percent of all adult females say that heterosexual men are either emotionally unavailable, financially untrustworthy, sexually selfish, hygienically challenged, prone to illusions of grandeur, or all of the above. If we can help millions of women to become lesbians, we think that would probably be a net plus for human happiness.”

Continue ReadingGay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

Having My Baby…

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Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn’t it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Continue ReadingHaving My Baby…

The Gay Agenda

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I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"

Continue ReadingThe Gay Agenda

Attention All Heterosexual Men!

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Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on "Will & Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages 18-65 to become homosexuals. Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:

  • Drag Queen make-up tips!
  • How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!
  • How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
  • Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
  • That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
  • Ricky Martin’s fan club address
  • Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)
  • How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)
  • Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo"
  • Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A GOLD-PLATED CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room?

Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!

Call today. Operators are standing by . . . . .

Continue ReadingAttention All Heterosexual Men!

FABULAIR … Blueprint For The First Gay Airline

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Author Unknown

Welcome Aboard

The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.

Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you’ll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.

You Know You’ve Arrived

Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on – it’s color-coded to indicate whether you’re aggressively single, possibly available, or married.

On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They’re young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul – they’re gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you’re after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.

If There’s Anything We Can Do…

Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It’s comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you’ll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can’t wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You’re ready for takeoff. You’ll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair… Out…. Curve… Genre?… Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.

The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you’d like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior’s "Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes.

Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don’t be sad. You’ve earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.

Too Fabulous

Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It’s so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class.

We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don’t need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you.

At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it. On board, you’ll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn’t improve our service, so we just added more.

Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you’ll agree, it’s a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world’s first all-gay airline.

Continue ReadingFABULAIR … Blueprint For The First Gay Airline

Can’t Fly if You’re Gay

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Author Unknown

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you’ve made a mistake – I’m Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I’m gay too! They can’t throw us all off!"

Continue ReadingCan’t Fly if You’re Gay