Careful When Playing Golf

Author Unknown

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where’s your ball?"

"It’s over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Continue ReadingCareful When Playing Golf

Mom’s Home Cooking

author unknown

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you: I’m gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You’re gay, doesn’t that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that’s right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don’t you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

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Dear Tech Support

author unknown

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected drama processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Amateur Strip Night 10.3, Circuit Party 40.2, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Afternoon Gym Watch 5.0, and Sunday Tea Dance 2.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Husband 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Boyfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Please!!!

Thanks,

Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 with the idea that Husband 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Husband 1.0 and still convert back to Boyfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 7.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Boyfriend 7.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Boyfriend 8.0 or Husband 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings – Palimony/Bitter Queens." I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Husband 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0, Clothes 10.2, Toys 4.5, or Car 20.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install GymBuddyWithBody 3.3. This is not a supported application for Husband 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck.

Tech Support/XMP

Continue ReadingDear Tech Support

5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

Author Unknown

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
  • The Purse doesn’t match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
  • That headpiece. A gold star for its FABULOUS height, but it really doesn’t have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. It absolutely demands bugle beads, or something lacey.
  • He hangs out in a meadow. Not a bush or tree in sight. A bit too daring for anything but the quickest quickie.
  • He’s a really bad dancer.
  • The name Tinky Winky. I don’t know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that…. HELLO, it screams "I’m small down there and I don’t care who knows it."
Continue Reading5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

Ken’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment – the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations – we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe – he’s mine.

Sincerely,

Ken

Continue ReadingKen’s Letter To Santa

Barbie’s Letter to Santa

Author Unknown

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more ’90s look. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or "Divorce Barbie" and package me with all of Ken’s belongings.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie
Dreamhouse Malibu, CA

Continue ReadingBarbie’s Letter to Santa

Nun’s Tale

Author Unknown

A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.

She says, "What is it my son?"

The cabbie replies, "Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister."

She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I’ve been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."

The cabbie says, "Well, I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I’m sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."

"That’s OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."

The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.

As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.

She says, "What’s wrong, my son?"

He says, "Sister, I lied. I’m Jewish and I’m married!"

She says, "That’s okay. My name’s Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!"

Continue ReadingNun’s Tale

You Know You’re a Queen if:

Author Unknown

  1. If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  2. If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  3. If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  4. If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  5. If you know how to spell Barbra’s first name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  6. If you’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  7. If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  8. If you’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  9. If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  10. If you’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  11. If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  12. If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  13. If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  14. If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  15. If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  16. If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  17. If you’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  18. If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  19. If someone says "How ’bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  20. If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  21. If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  22. If you still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s,
    then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  23. If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  24. If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  25. If you’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  26. If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  27. If you’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn’t match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
  28. If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  29. If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  30. If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
  31. If you’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  32. If you’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  33. If you’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  34. If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  35. If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  36. If you’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  37. If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
    you’re a Queen.
  38. If you’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  39. If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  40. If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you’re a sick Queen.
  41. If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  42. If you’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  43. Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe

YES ANSWERS:

Over 40 – Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 – Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 – Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 – Nathan Lane!
Under 24 – Honey, you’re not hanging out with the right people!

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re a Queen if:

Three Wishes

Author Unknown

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes… Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay…"

Continue ReadingThree Wishes

The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

Tinky Winky, gay? Au contraire. As any person of faith who has ever watched Teletubbies understands, Tinky Winky is actually a powerful symbol of God’s word made flesh. Or rather, plush.

First of all, Tinky Winky is purple, the color of royalty and the ancient priesthood. As it is written in The Song of Songs, "Thine head upon thee [is] like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king [is] held in the galleries." Unlike pink and lavender, purple is a noble hue. While The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and the National Organization of Women have attempted to co-opt it, its history as the color of kings and priests cannot be erased. Tinky Winky’s fur is thus meant to remind us of the presence of the divine in our lives.

The triangular antenna on Tinky Winky’s head represents the three sides of the Holy Trinity: Abba, Christ, and Holy Spirit. The intent is clearly to tell us to tune our own spiritual antenna to God, to "be attuned" to God’s teachings. As for Tinky Winky’s purse, or "magic bag," this feminine attribute is obviously meant to hearken back to King David, who also carried a little bag. As is written in 1 Samuel 17:40, "Then he [David] took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag." From this bag came the stone that killed Goliath. Who knows what heroic tools will come from the bag of Tinky Winky? The show has been on the air for less than a year.

The similarities between David and Tinky Winky go further. David carried his lyre, a stringed harp-like girlie instrument, constantly, and like Tinky Winky, he was constantly singing little songs. "This is my only request," he sang, "To dwell in the House of YHWH all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Godde and to be like a visitor in Godde’s sanctuary." Tinky Winky, meanwhile, sings, "Pinkle Winkle, Tinky Winky" and dwells in the Tubbytronic Superdome. I think the parallels are obvious.

I acknowledge one problematic element to this Teletubby-Davidian reading. David’s relationship with his friend Jonathan was far, far closer than that of Tinky Winky and Dipsy, the only other male Teletubby. David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (1 Samuel 18:3-4) "…And they kissed one another and wept with one another, until David exceeded" (1 Samuel 20:41). As we all know, Tinky Winky is only casually friendly with Dipsy; he reserves his greatest affection for Po, the daintiest, highest-voiced, femme-iest Teletubby. Future scholars will, we hope, work through this discrepancy.

Scholars believe that from the seed of David will come the Messiah. (The Messiah is not to be confused with the Antichrist — also a descendant of David — a Jewish man who is probably alive today, according to Falwell. In fact, he is probably Adam Sandler.) It is to be trusted that similar greatness will spring from the fluffy loins of Tinky Winky. A close analysis of Tinky Winky’s activities — eating Tubby Custard, jumping, dancing happy dances, chasing balloons, making kites, demanding hugs, and consorting with the Noo Noo (a vacuum cleaner) — has much to reveal about us, our values, and our relationship to popular culture.

Continue ReadingThe Theological Significance of Tinky Winky