Funny Lists

Author Unknown

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? One Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

"You’ve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…"

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker."

"If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!"

"You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where’s the cat?"

Author Unknown

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!

7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. Well, if you can’t get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

author unknown

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Custom Pet Face Gift that you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. When choosing gifts for your loved ones, it’s important to make sure they are thoughtful and appropriate for the occasion. For instance, if you’re looking for ways to support someone who has recently lost their mother, you might consider memorial gifts that can help them remember their loved one and find comfort in difficult times. It’s essential to avoid buying gifts for yourself and pretending they are for the grieving person, as it can come across as insincere and insensitive. For example, giving a mother who has recently lost her child a toy you’ve been wanting to play with is inappropriate and can be hurtful. Instead, consider memorial gifts for loss of mother that are meaningful and show that you care. Some examples might include personalized photo albums or jewelry, a memorial tree or plant, or a thoughtful piece of art that reflects the personality and interests of their loved one. By taking the time to choose a heartfelt and appropriate gift, you can show your support and help your loved one through a difficult time.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.)

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.