The Beer Bill of Rights

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Jeff Jankowski, Ron Sperber, Jim "Jimcat" Kasprzak

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

Amendment II
A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.

Amendment III
No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.

Amendment VI
In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the assistance of the bartender for service.

Amendment VII
In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII
Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.

Amendment X
The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the people.

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Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
–by Jack Handy

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemingway

They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–Tee Mans

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
— Michelle Mastrolacasa

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
–David Moulton

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
— Brian O’Rourke

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

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New Government Warnings on Alcohol

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As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects.Pregnancy Resource Center announced that consumption of alcohol by pregnant ladies can also lead to abortion.This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few extra warning may be appropriate.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant — the new guidelines should read…

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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Things Adults Learn from Kids

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There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it’s already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will however make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

Continue ReadingThings Adults Learn from Kids

The Boss

Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”

A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.” Learn here the difference between temporary vs part time employment for more info.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”

HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”

Quote from telephone inquiry: “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.”

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

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Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time on a project, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time on a project, she/he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, she/he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, she/he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, she/he’s being firm.

When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, she/he’s being original.

When you try to please your boss, you’re being sycophantic.
When your boss pleases his/her boss, she/he’s being cooperative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, she/he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunk.
When your boss does the same, she/he appreciates fine wine.

When you’re a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, she/he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because she/he’s overworked.

Continue ReadingDifferences Between You and Your Boss

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common, not just restricted to the higher ups.

Continue Reading25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

7. "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

5. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands!"

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "Amen"

Continue ReadingTop 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

Vonnegut? Schmich? Who Can tell In Cyberspace?

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Mary Schmich

Chicago Tribune, Copyright 1997.

I am Kurt Vonnegut.

Oh, Kurt Vonnegut may appear to be a brilliant, revered male novelist. I may appear to be a mediocre and virtually unknown female newspaper columnist. We may appear to have nothing in common but unruly hair.

But out in the lawless swamp of cyberspace, Mr. Vonnegut and I are one. Out there, where any snake can masquerade as king, both of us are the author of a graduation speech that began with the immortal words, "Wear sunscreen."

I was alerted to my bond with Mr. Vonnegut Friday morning by several callers and e-mail correspondents who reported that the sunscreen speech was rocketing through the cyberswamp, from L.A. to New York to Scotland, in a vast e-mail chain letter.

Friends had e-mailed it to friends, who e-mailed it to more friends, all of whom were told it was the commencement address given to the graduating class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The speaker was allegedly Kurt Vonnegut.

Imagine Mr. Vonnegut’s surprise. He was not, and never has been, MIT’s commencement speaker.

Imagine my surprise. I recall composing that little speech one Friday afternoon while high on coffee and M&M’s. It appeared in this space on June 1. It included such deep thoughts as "Sing," "Floss," and "Don’t mess too much with your hair." It was not art.

But out in the cyberswamp, truth is whatever you say it is, and my simple thoughts on floss and sunscreen were being passed around as Kurt Vonnegut’s eternal wisdom.

Poor man. He didn’t deserve to have his reputation sullied in this way.

So I called a Los Angeles book reviewer, with whom I’d never spoken, hoping he could help me find Mr. Vonnegut.

"You mean that thing about sunscreen?" he said when I explained the situation. "I got that. It was brilliant. He didn’t write that?"

He didn’t know how to find Mr. Vonnegut. I tried MIT.

"You wrote that?" said Lisa Damtoft in the news office. She said MIT had received many calls and e-mails on this year’s "sunscreen" commencement speech. But not everyone was sure: Who had been the speaker?

The speaker on June 6 was Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United Nations, who did not, as Mr. Vonnegut and I did in our speech, urge his graduates to "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room." He didn’t mention sunscreen.

As I continued my quest for Mr. Vonnegut–his publisher had taken the afternoon off, his agent didn’t answer–reports of his "sunscreen" speech kept pouring in.

A friend called from Michigan. He’d read my column several weeks ago. Friday morning he received it again–in an e-mail from his boss. This time it was not an ordinary column by an ordinary columnist. Now it was literature by Kurt Vonnegut.

Fortunately, not everyone who read the speech believed it was Mr. Vonnegut’s.

"The voice wasn’t quite his," sniffed one doubting contributor to a Vonnegut chat group on the Internet. "It was slightly off–a little too jokey, a little too cute . . . a little too ‘Seinfeld.’ "

Hoping to find the source of this prank, I traced one e-mail backward from its last recipient, Hank De Zutter, a professor at Malcolm X College in Chicago. He received it from a relative in New York, who received it from a film producer in New York, who received it from a TV producer in Denver, who received it from his sister, who received it. . . .

I realized the pursuit of culprit zero would be endless. I gave up.

I did, however, finally track down Mr. Vonnegut. He picked up his own phone. He’d heard about the sunscreen speech from his lawyer, from friends, from a women’s magazine that wanted to reprint it until he denied he wrote it.

"It was very witty, but it wasn’t my wittiness," he generously said.

Reams could be written on the lessons in this episode. Space confines me to two.

One: I should put Kurt Vonnegut’s name on my column. It would be like sticking a Calvin Klein label on a pair of Kmart jeans.

Two: Cyberspace, in Mr. Vonnegut’s word, is "spooky."

Continue ReadingVonnegut? Schmich? Who Can tell In Cyberspace?

Teddy’s Teacher

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by Elizabeth Silance Ballard

This work of fiction was penned in 1976 and published that year in Home Life magazine. For more on this piece, see this page on Snopes.com.

Jean Thompson stood in front of her fifth-grade class on the very first day of school in the Fall and told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her pupils and said that she loved each of them the same, that she would treat them all alike.

And that was impossible because there in front of her, slumped in his seat on the third row, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed he didn’t play well with the other children, that his clothes were unkempt and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy was unpleasant. It got to the point during the first few months that she would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then highlighting the “F” at the top of the paper biggest of all.

Because Teddy was a sullen little boy, no one else seemed to enjoy him, either. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s records and delayed Teddy’s until last. When she opened his file, she found a surprise.

His first-grade teacher had written, “Teddy is a bright, inquisitive child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners. He is a joy to be around.”

His second-grade teacher had penned, “Teddy is an excellent student, well-liked by all his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.”

His third-grade teacher had noted, “Teddy continues to work hard but his mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn’t show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.”

Teddy’s fourth-grade teacher had commented, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and often falls asleep in class. He is tardy and could become a more serious problem.”

By now Mrs. Thompson realized the extent of the problem, but Christmas was coming fast. It was all she could do, with the school play and all, until the day before the holidays began and she was suddenly forced to focus again on Teddy Stoddard.

Her children brought her presents and gift hampers melbourne, all in beautiful ribbon and bright paper, except Teddy’s, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper of a scissored grocery bag.

Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of cologne. She stifled the children’s laughter while she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume behind the other wrist.

Teddy Stoddard stayed behind after class just long enough to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to.”

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and speaking. Instead, she began to teach children. Jean Thompson paid particular attention to one they all called “Teddy.” As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. On those days when there would be an important test, Mrs. Thompson would remember that cologne. By the end of the year he had become one of the highest achieveing children in the class and, well, he had also somewhat become the “pet” of that teacher who had once vowed to love all of her children exactly the same.

A year later she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that of all the teachers he’d had in elementary school, she was his favorite.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still his favorite teacher of all time.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson she was still his favorite teacher.

Four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still his favorite teacher but that now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.

The story doesn’t end there. You see, there was yet another letter that Spring. Teddy said he’d met this girl and was to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the pew usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

And on that day, she wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And on that special day, Jean Thompson smelled just like the way Teddy remembered his mother smelling on their last Christmas together.

THE MORAL: You never can tell what type of impact you may make on another’s life by your actions or lack of action. Consider this fact in your venture through life.

Continue ReadingTeddy’s Teacher