HFM – Page 610 – commonplacebook.com

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Jokes

p class=”author”>Author Unknown

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

God Was Just About Done Creating The Universe…

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It’s a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………" On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was…well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…"

Love, Lust and Marriage

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Funny Lists Jokes

Author Unknown

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald’s Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids’ candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What’s sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover’s Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

A Little Kiss

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old–who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking,

"Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,

asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,

was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear,

was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Fun Stuff To Do Funny Lists One-Liners

Author Unknown

I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

Ahhhh, it’s cute.

Why don’t we just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Make it dance.

Can I paint a smiley face on it?

Wow, and your feet are so big.

It’s OK, we’ll work around it.

Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

Oh no… a flash headache.

(giggle and point)

Can I be honest with you?

How sweet, you brought incense.

This explains your car.

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

Why is God punishing me?

At least this won’t take long.

I never saw one like that before.

But it still works, right?

It looks so unused.

Maybe it looks better in natural light.

Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

Are you cold?

If you get me real drunk first.

Is that an optical illusion?

What is that?

It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

Does it come with an air pump?

So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.

Farmer’s Daughters

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

A farmer had three lovely daughters that he never allowed to date. The girls were beginning to worry that if they didn’t get the opportunity to date soon, they would all end up old spinsters.

So after all three repeatedly begged the farmer to be allowed to date, he said, " OK girls, you win! I will let you go out on a date this Saturday. But these have to be nice young men, who will behave like gentlemen."

The girls said, "Oh, thank you papa, they will all be very nice boys."

So Saturday night finally comes around, and at 7:30 there’s a knock at the door.

The farmer opens the door on a presentable young man who says, " Hi, My name’s Eddy, I came for Betty, we’re going to eat spagetti. Is she ready?" The farmer scratched his head and called for Betty, and the couple leave.

A few minutes later there’s another knock at the door, and the farmer answers. He opens the door on another presentable young man who says, "Hi, My name’s Jer, I came for Clair, we’re going to the fair. We’re going to meet friends there!" The farmer calls for Clair and the happy couple are on their way.

A monent later there’s a third knock at the door. Again the farmer finds a presentable young man who says, "Hi, My name’s Buck!"

The Farmer shot him!

101 Things You Shouldn’t Say During Sex

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Funny Lists

author unknown

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time… right? Person 2: Yeah… today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleanedthis couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth…

27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really… I do this part better myself!

48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You’re almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rottenpotatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession…

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like… Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.

84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

Where Am I?

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Jokes

by R. Paxon

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

If God Were A Computer Programmer

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Funny Lists Jokes

Author Unknown

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it’s tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnite job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on Jolt Cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren’t programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don’t let anyone put you down.

Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let’s just say he’s not going to any more meetings if he can help it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned out to be murder.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date (like your birthday).

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

Techno Toasters

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 11, 2000
Post category:Funny Lists Jokes

Author Unknown

If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters…
They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If SGI made toasters…
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye to wheat and add whatever kind of spread you could imagine, and it would slyly imply credit for making the loaf of bread in the first place.

If Sony made toasters…
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If CostCo made toasters…
They’d be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of ’em.

And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.