Yearly Archives: 1999

The Wedding

Author Unknown

It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.

They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won’t try to run her life, and he won’t try to run his, either.

He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."

They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You’re the boss."

If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

Continue ReadingThe Wedding

Good Music

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Author Unknown

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I’m only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "We’re here to see our dog."

Continue ReadingGood Music

Dinner With Mom

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  • Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said:

"Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle more than a week ago.

Love, Mom"

Continue ReadingDinner With Mom

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Author Unknown

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I’m running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day)

Continue ReadingIf Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap….and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP’s access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem…And you succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using your word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own home page.

15. You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don’t know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

20. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.shtml.

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

Continue ReadingTop 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown

A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d accept this.

You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you’d be required to purchase extra seats.

Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.

Imagine a world where car technology was as unpredictable as it was frustrating. Every time the roads were repainted, you’d find yourself needing to buy a new vehicle.

And sometimes, your car would just stop working for no reason at all, forcing you to restart it without question.

The idea of owning a car would become as much about keeping up with constant updates as it would be about the actual drive.

In this bizarre world, choosing a reliable car becomes a challenge, and that’s where a trusted used car dealership steps in.

In a world where technology seems to malfunction at the most inconvenient times, finding a dependable vehicle would feel like an impossible task.

That’s why having a trusted used car dealership, like Billingsley Ford of Ardmore, becomes essential. They offer a wide variety of pre-owned cars that have been carefully inspected to ensure quality and reliability.

No need to worry about constant updates or unexpected breakdowns – these vehicles are ready to hit the road with confidence.

With competitive rates and personalized plans, you can feel secure knowing you’re making a smart investment without the hassle of unpredictable car technology.

For those looking for dependable and high-quality vehicles, finding the right place to purchase is key.

Fortunately, dealerships like RaceAutoGroup offer supreme products from RaceAutoGroup.com that make it easier to avoid the hassle of constant repairs or upgrades.

Whether you’re seeking a car that’s reliable, affordable, or simply a great deal, choosing the right dealership can save you time, money, and unnecessary stress.

When it comes to keeping your newly purchased vehicle in top condition, automotive maintenance plays a crucial role.

Regular inspections and routine services such as oil changes, tire rotations, and brake checks are essential to ensure optimal performance and safety.

Neglecting these basic maintenance tasks can lead to unexpected issues, compromising your driving experience and potentially costing you more in repairs down the road.

Partnering with a trusted service provider like Blue Wrench can give you peace of mind when it comes to your vehicle’s upkeep.

Taking proactive steps in maintaining your vehicle not only extends its lifespan but also helps retain its value over time.

A well-maintained car performs better, consumes less fuel, and holds its worth longer, which is especially important if you plan on selling or trading it in the future.

By investing in quality maintenance services, you’re ensuring that your vehicle continues to serve you reliably and efficiently for many years to come.

The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

People would get excited about “new” features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars like Conklin Buick GMC Hutchinson ks for years. If you are searching for the best cars then you will get redirected here.

We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn’t drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn’t tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.

Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.

Continue ReadingThings That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS:
Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM:
Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh:
All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2:
To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Unix:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re building.

Windows 95:
Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT:
The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

Windows 98:
The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Continue ReadingIf Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

College Glossary

Author Unknown

ABSENT: (n)
The notation generally following your name in a class record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n)
Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n)
One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n)
A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n)
A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n)
A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally)
books.

CAFETERIA: (n)
from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat")
and "teria" ("to wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n)
One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v)
What you can’t do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n)
A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v)
How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n)
A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n)
Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.

DORMROOM: (n)
A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n)
Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

EGGHEAD:
1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A’s.
2) (n) That same student once you’ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n)
What you wish you had on your credit card.
F: (n)
A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n)
The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n)BR>
What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.

KITCHENETTE: (n)
A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n)
What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you’re holding.

LAB: (n)
A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n)
Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n)
See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n)
Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn’t soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n)
Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n)
What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n)
The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n)
Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester."

NO: (n)
The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n)
The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n)
Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n)
Unless you’re an English major, who really cares??

OUT: (n)
Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n)
Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n)
An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you’ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.

PRE-LAW: (n)
The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n)
A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE : (n)
A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n)
Your football team’s weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n)
A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.

WEEKEND : (n)
Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you’d signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n)
Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.

WINDELLAS: (n)
Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n)
When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.

WORK-STUDY: (n)
Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH: (n)
That device on your arm that lets you know which class you’re currently late for.

X-RAY: (n)
A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they’re eaten.

XYLEM: (n)
We’re not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn’t you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE:
1) (n) A well known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n)
A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n)
When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n)
Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN:
1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one’s underwear.

ZERO: (n)
The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n)
What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n)
The study of animal life (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming").

Continue ReadingCollege Glossary

Cheddarhead Dictionary

Author Unknown

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.

Ain-a-hey:
placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn’t It?"

Bart:
a Green Bay institution who doesn’t need a last name; (see "Vince").

Believe-you-me:
attached to the beginning or end a statement make it more credible; as in, "really!"

Blaze orange:
what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau.

Born in a barn?:
a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.

Borrow:
used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"

Brat:
a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite; doesn’t have anything to do with a spoiled kid.

Bubbler:
to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin’s borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.

Budge:
to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don’t you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"

By:
to or near; as in "Let’s go by One Eyed Jack’s,"or "She’ll come by Froggers tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.

Cheddarhead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."

Cheesehead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."

Cheese curd:
small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.

Come-here-once:
a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.

Couple-two-tree:
more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."

Cripes:
a Wisconsin expletive. Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.

Crymany-cripes-sake:
a wild Wisconsin expletive.

D:
a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."

Davenport:
what your mom called the sofa; a couch.

Fair-to-midlin:
not bad or great, just "O.K."

FIB:
an acronym; (F***in’ Illinois Bastard)

Fish fry:
a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.

Fleet Farm:
a Cheddarhead’s answer to Bloomingdales.

Frozen tundra:
Lambeau Field.

Geeez!:
Another Wisconsin expletive.

Go ahead:
proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car."

Gots:
used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."

Guldarn:
another Wisconsin expletive.

Hey:
placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in "Hey, how ’bout them Packers?" or "How ’bout them Packers, hey?"

Holy-cry-yiy!:
as in, "wow!"

How’s-by-you?:
a greeting; the same as, "How’s everything?"

Humdinger:
a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caughtup-nort is a real humdinger."

John Deere:
a Cheddarhead’s other vehicle.

M’wakee:
Wisconsin’s largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.

N-so?:
a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"

Oh, yah:
depending on emphasis, it’s either used as acknowledgment (as"That’s correct") or skepticism (That’s bull!).

Parish picnics:
social events of the summer up-nort.

Pert-neer:
near; in close proximity; just about.

Polka:
what you do at parish picnics.

Pop:
a non-alcoholic drink.

Rubbers:
protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."

Scansin:
the state where Cheeseheads are from.

Schmear:
a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead

Sheepshead:
another card game.

Side-by-each:
used instead of, "next to each other."

Skeeter:
Wisconsin state bird.

Start wit me last:
to forfeit your turn.

Stop-and-go lights:
what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.

Uff-dah:
affirmative; as in "that’s right!"

Un-thaw:
to defrost.

Where-abouts:
locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse guys from?"

Up nort:
where Wisconsinites go on vacation.

Up-side right:
right side up.

Vince:
the other Green Bay icon who doesn’t need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").

Yah-hey:
affirmative; as in "uff-dah."

You-betcha:
affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."

Youse:
pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin’ up nort?"

Youper:
someone from ever further up-nort than you.

Continue ReadingCheddarhead Dictionary