Archives: 1999

Jabberwocky

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass

Read on »

Random House Modern Library Catalog

“The Modern Library has played a significant role in American cultural life for the better part of a century. The series was founded in 1917 by the publishers Boni and Liveright and eight years later acquired by Bennet Cerf and Donald Klopfer. It provided the foundation for their next publishing venture, Random House. The Modern

Read on »

The Library of America

History and Mission Statement (from LOA web site, 3/99): “The Library of America was founded in 1979 to undertake a historic endeavor: to help preserve the nation’s cultural heritage by publishing America’s best and most significant writing in durable and authoritative editions.” “The idea for The Library of America was first discussed some thirty years

Read on »

Everyman’s Library

“Everyman’s Library, founded in 1906 and relaunched in 1991 [by Alfred E. Knopf, a division of Random House], aims to offer the most complete library in the English language of the world’s classics. Each volume is printed in a classic typeface on acid-free, cream-wove paper with a sewn full cloth binding.” This is the March

Read on »

Random House Modern Library’s Top 100 Nonfiction Books

in 1998, the Modern Library released its list of the best 100 novels of the 20th Century amid much controversy over both what they put in and what they left out. They’re back – with the Top 100 Nonfiction books of the 20th Century. So go ahead and argue what should have been left out

Read on »

The X (mas) Files

Author Unknown Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think

Read on »

New Y2K Software

Author Unknown This memo is to announce the development of a new database software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so

Read on »

Solving The Y0K Problem

Author Unknown While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar,

Read on »

How To Solve The Y2K Problem

Author Unknown The Corporate Office has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems

Read on »

Two Digits for a Date

Author Unknown (sung to the tune of "Gilligan’s Island", more or less) Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date… two digits for a date. Main memory was much smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four

Read on »

Sarah Michelle Gellar Dreams – Parts 2, 3, and 4

Okay, I’ve had three more dreams recently about Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the past, I’ve had reoccurring dreams and sex dreams, but never a reoccurring sex dream. This is very cool, and I hope it lasts. Actually, only one of these three new dreams — the first — was really a sex dream per se,

Read on »

Fight The Power

01 – Fight the Power – The Isley Brothers – It’s Your Thing (boxed set) 02 – Go – Indigo Girls – Come On Now Social 03 – Reclaim – Copper Wimmin – American Tyranny 04 – Power to the Meek – Eurythmics – Peace 05 – Pop Singer’s Fear of the Pollen Count –

Read on »

Dream Fragments

I keep a pad of paper near my bedside so that I can write down vivid dreams if I have them. Sometimes, though, if I haven’t quite shaken off the sandman, or if they aren’t particularly memorable, I won’t be able to fill in the details later – that’s what’s happened here. I can’t remember

Read on »

Gay Indy Mailing List

On the bright side – I saw two movies this past weekend – Dogma and Run Lola Run. Both were good. On the dark side – It surprises me sometimes what other people find to be important. I say this because I’m on the GayIndy mailing list, and it’s kind of a joke. The mailing

Read on »

The Sarah Michelle Gellar Dream

I had a dream where I was having sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Which is very weird, because she’s not really my type. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed, certainly, if she came up to me, and slid gracefully into my arms and squirmed around like she did in my dream. But she’s not

Read on »

Fire In My Heart For You

01 – Fire in My Heart – Super Furry Animals – Guerrilla 02 – Under the Sun – Big Kenny – Live A Little 03 – Teenage FBI – Guided By Voices – Do The Collapse 04 – Round the Bend – Beta Band – Beta Band 05 – Murder or a Heart Attack –

Read on »

On The Subject Of Feminism and The Film ‘American Beauty’

Last night I had an argument with a woman about Feminism and the movie ‘American Beauty.’ The woman – lets call her Ann – said that she had severe problems with the movie, and after giving a brief explanation of what those problems were (more on that later), and seeing that I wasn’t buying what

Read on »

Bobby Knight in Heaven

Author Unknown After Bobby Knight dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Bobby a little two-bedroom house with a faded Texas Tech banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don’t get their own houses up here," God says. Bobby looks at the house,

Read on »

The Beer Prayer

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration Our Lager, Which art in Barrels Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk) at home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages as we forgive those who spill against us.

Read on »

In the Sistine Chapel

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can’t see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles." The

Read on »

A Little Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, "So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars.

Read on »

What time is it in Heaven?

Author Unknown A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I’m not very busy today, I’ll show you around." The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and

Read on »

The Nature of Man

Author Unknown God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no

Read on »

Math is Hard

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious

Read on »

A Pretty Bad Day

Author Unknown Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your

Read on »

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has

Read on »

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading— a

Read on »

The Joys of Technology

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap

Read on »

Three Proofs That Jesus Was…

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into his father’s business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was God Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a

Read on »

Inspiring Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!" The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and

Read on »

Writer’s Paradise

Author Unknown A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both. The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows

Read on »

The Letter

Author Unknown After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are

Read on »

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and

Read on »

The Pope and the Janitor

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If

Read on »

The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 – Number of the Millibeast / 666 – Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1) =

Read on »

Church Humor…

Author Unknown Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please

Read on »

The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It’s my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope

Read on »

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown He had only one major publication. It was in Hebrew. It had no references. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The

Read on »

Coffee 23

Author Unknown Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will

Read on »

A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?" The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to

Read on »

The First Sermon

Author Unknown The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go

Read on »

The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

Read on »

Parrot Problems

Author Unknown A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That’s terrible!"

Read on »

Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid. 2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough! 3. Look at the size of that thing! 4. Sorry about the mess… 5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought. 6. Aren’t you a little short for

Read on »

How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco and others Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas. It is wrong to ever split an

Read on »

How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

Author Unknown For your new first name: 1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name 2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name. For your new last name: 3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name 4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you

Read on »

English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty,

Read on »

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown 10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper." 9. "One-a-day, like iron." 8. "Get a piece of the rock." 7. "You’ve come a long way, baby." 6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em." 5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." 4. "Tastes great, more filling." 3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

Read on »

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that? Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie. Oh no! I

Read on »

Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!

Read on »

Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down. While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an

Read on »

Revised State Mottoes

Author Unknown Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang California: As Seen on TV

Read on »

Viagra Causes Panic

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a

Read on »

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

Author Unknown If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had

Read on »

Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Author Unknown Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err." Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid." Iguana: "The other green meat." Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If

Read on »

Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown 12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here." 11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!" 10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery." 9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account? 8. All of the

Read on »

Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

Author Unknown October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I

Read on »

What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are

Read on »

Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out! The Cat in the Microwave Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Your Colon Can Moo-Can You? The Fox in Detox The Grinch’s Ten Inches One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch Zippy the Gerbil My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Read on »

Very Short Books

Author Unknown A Guide to Arab Democracies A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean America’s Most Popular Lawyers

Read on »

When your professor says this…. he really means this…

Author Unknown This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this. My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early. Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I’ll be fudging your grades. This won’t be on the test. =

Read on »

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is

Read on »

Great Oxymorons

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline Food Almost exactly Alone together American history British fashion Business ethics Butt head Childproof Christian scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Extinct Life Found missing French bravery Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works

Read on »

Peter’s Evil Overlord List

This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached. See Peter’s List for a more complete, complex version. Being an Evil Overlord seems to be

Read on »

New Metric Conversions

Author Unknown 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millilaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations

Read on »

Strange Bedfellows

Author Unknown If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d

Read on »

The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

Author Unknown 16. We’re working on that smell thing, too. 15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

Read on »

Children’s Books You’ll Never See

These were from a Washington Post contest: "You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia) "Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)

Read on »

Kennedy – Lincoln Similarities

Author Unknown Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names

Read on »

The F Word

Author Unknown Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked

Read on »

New Scientist Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners: Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses). Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on

Read on »

What Should I Major In?

Author Unknown To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens

Read on »

Dog Breeds That Didn’t Make It

Author Unknown Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water

Read on »

Cowboy’s Guide to Life

p class=”author”>Author Unknown Never squat with yer spurs on. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt

Read on »

Rules of Chocolate

Author Unknown If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it

Read on »

What you should know about Chain Letters

p class=”author”>Author Unknown 1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it’s true". Furthermore, just

Read on »

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Author Unknown Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes

Read on »

Instructions For Giving Your Cat A Pill

Author Unknown Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

Read on »

Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry 1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The

Read on »

Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Dormitory == Dirty Room Evangelist == Evil’s Agent Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em Animosity ==

Read on »

"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means? "I’ll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll

Read on »

Funny Quotes

You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy

Read on »

On the Subject of Swearing

Salon.com question: A Michigan man faces a possible jail term of up to 90 days and a $100 fine for swearing in front of children, after he was dumped from his canoe. His attorney has argued the charges are ludicrous, since profanity is so pervasive in our culture. While most of us might agree that

Read on »

Dance Mix 2

01 – Killing Time 99 – Tina Cousins – Killing Time 02 – All About The Money – Meja – Seven Sisters 03 – Colour the World – Sash! – Colour the World 04 – That Don’t Impress Me Much – Shania Twain – Come On Over 05 – You Should Be – Blockster –

Read on »

Dance Mix 1

01 – History Repeating – Propellerheads featuring Shirley Bassey – Decksandrumsandrockandroll 02 – Strong Enough – Cher – Believe 03 – Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here – Deborah Cox – One Wish 04 – Heartbreak Hotel – Whitney Houston – My Love is Your Love 05 – If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez

Read on »

Mystic Mix

01 – Rollin’ & Tumblin’ – R. L. Burnside – Rollin’ Tumblin’ [CD-SINGLE] 02 – Cabbage Roll – Liquid Soul – Make Some Noise 03 – Loco Pro – A.N.I.M.A.L. – Poder Latino 04 – Ain’t Gonna Do You No Good – Dubtribe Sound System – Bryant Street 05 – Better Days – Citizen King

Read on »

You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. You don’t know what a moon pie is. You’ve never had grain alcohol. You’ve never, ever, eaten okra. You eat

Read on »

You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday. You define summer as three months of bad sledding. Snow tires come standard on all your cars. You refer to the Packers as "we." You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. You can identify an Illinois accent.. You know what cow-tipping

Read on »

Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . . 40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple." 39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000,

Read on »

You Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You were in 4-H. You know what 4-H is. You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. School gets canceled for state events. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school. Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names. Your teachers

Read on »

You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your

Read on »

You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. You keep a

Read on »

You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You’ve ever tried

Read on »

You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all." Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

Read on »

You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!. You Might Be A Redneck Goddess

Read on »

You Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You measure distance in minutes. Weather is 80% of your conversation. Down south to you means Iowa. You call highways "freeways." Snow tires came standard on your car. You have no concept of public transportation. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota. You know more than 1 person that

Read on »

You Know You’ve Already Grown Up When…

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. You keep more food than beer in your fridge. 3. 6 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator. 5. You carry an umbrella and watch the Weather Channel. 6. You don’t remember when Taco

Read on »

You Might Be A Goth If …

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit You like to play dead in public You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper" The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a

Read on »

You’re Lost Between "Baby Boomer" and "Generation X" If…

You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart. You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said "Landshark!" You were once bowled over by the technological

Read on »

You Know You’re Stuck in The 80’s If…

Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome" You’re still bitter that Wham! broke up Punky Brewster is your hero You type all of your term papers on

Read on »

You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting

Read on »

You Know You’re Not in College Anymore When…

You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m. Three words: Student Loan Payments. You make

Read on »

You Might Be a College Student If…

You have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. You live in a house with three couches, none of which match. You consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. You have ever written a check for 45 cents. You have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. You have ever

Read on »

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffeepot clean. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take

Read on »

A Student’s Guide To Bawstin

(for all of you who were not bon heah) By John Powers, Globe Staff:09/11/97 The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston University" to the cabbie at Logan Airport and ended up at Boston College? You’re right. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. The cabbie knew you weren’t bon heah, so he took you for a

Read on »

You Know You’re In America When…

A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in

Read on »

Dying All Over Again

In the first dream I had one night, I was in my house, talking to my landlady down stairs when I realized the house was on fire. I ran upstairs to get my cat, and when I finally found her, I realized that I couldn’t get back downstairs again. Just as I was catching on

Read on »

Funny Shakespeare

Hamlet is a course and barbarous play. One might think thework is a product of a drunken savage’s imagination. – Voltaire Are the commentators on Hamlet really mad or are they just pretending to be mad? Birnam Wood Reunion Staff If I were Juliet, we’d have got away If I were Romeo, we’d have got

Read on »

One-Liners About Cats

A home without a cat–and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat–may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? — Mark Twain

Read on »

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer. Make race car noises when people get on and off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just

Read on »

Hillary Looks Ahead

Author Unknown During the recent visit to Martha’s Vineyard, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a

Read on »

Quayle Quotes

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.

Read on »

Darwin Awards 1999

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Read on »

Another Frog Story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack.

Read on »

Be Careful What You Wish For…

Author Unknown Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my

Read on »

Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

Author Unknown Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were all having lunch together. Hercules said, "I have always thought that I’m the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?" Snow White agreed. "I’m told I’m the fairest of them all, but sometimes I wonder." Quasimodo said, "I’m pretty sure I’m the ugliest

Read on »

Do’h!

A guy has been traveling on business all day. He checks into a hotel and tells the man behind the desk he needs a single room for the night.

Read on »

The Wedding

It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.

Read on »

Good Music

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

Read on »

Dinner With Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Read on »

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Author Unknown Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try

Read on »

Top 21 Indicators You May Be An Email Junkie

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your

Read on »

Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Built Cars

Author Unknown A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d

Read on »

If Airplanes Ran On Operating Systems

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk

Read on »

College Glossary

Author Unknown ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend." ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves. BIOLOGY: (n)

Read on »

Cheddarhead Dictionary

If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.

Read on »