Monthly Archives: March 1999

You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y’all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don’t know what applique is.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Yankee If:

You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

You refer to the Packers as "we."

You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

You can identify an Illinois accent..

You know what cow-tipping is.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

Down South to you means Chicago.

Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.

A brat is something you eat.

You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.

You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.

You consider Madison exotic.

You got a passport to go to Minnesota.

You don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.

You know what a bubbler is.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

You go out for fish fry every Friday.

You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.

You know how to polka.

You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."

Formal wear is blue jeans & a baseball cap.

You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.

Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . .

40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple."

39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."

38. "Duct tape won’t fix that."

37. "Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."

36. "Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken."

35. "We don’t keep firearms in this house."

34. "Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?"

33. "You can’t feed that to the dog."

32. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

31. "No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe."

30. "Wrasslin’s fake."

29. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

28. "We’re vegetarians."

27. "Do you think my hair is too big?"

26. "I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."

25. "Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?"

24. "Who’s Richard Petty?"

23. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

22. "Deer heads detract from the decor."

21. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."

20. "I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today."

19. "Trim the fat off that steak."

18. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."

17. "The tires on that truck are too big."

16. "I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

15. "I’ve got it all on a floppy disk."

14. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

13. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

12. "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s."

11. "I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

10. "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."

9. "Of course I’ll wear a shirt at the dinner table

8. "She’s too old to be wearing a bikini."

7. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

6. "Hey, here’s an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen."

5. "I don’t have a favorite college team."

4. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

3. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."

2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is…..

1. "Elvis who?"

Continue ReadingTop 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

You Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You were in 4-H.

You know what 4-H is.

You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for state events.

You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school.

Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.

Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

You had senior skip day.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

You can name everyone you graduated with.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You wore your letter jacket after your 19th birthday.

You used to drag "main."

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

You don’t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks east Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).

You give directions using "the" stop light as a reference.

The country club golf course had only 9 holes.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people"

You think the people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

You can charge at all the local stores.

The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away.

So is the closest mall.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they’re all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! (because you know them all!)

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "because I said so!"

You send $ to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay,

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.

Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.

You can’t remember…Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager’s baby shower – the parent’s are named Judy and Becky.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker-and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV – the guys are much hotter!

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t notice.

You still can’t believe a company doesn’t offer domestic partner benefits.

You curse those damn tourists -but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass – for one moment you think "earthquake".

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" … it’s the first time you have seen him nude.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class – but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbor goes to temple-but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Live in San Francisco When…

You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.

You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You’ve ever said, "I can’t wait to get into business school."

You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don’t think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You’ve argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You’ve ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You’ve ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You’re afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates…."

You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society."

You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be a Republican if…

You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain’t right."

Continue ReadingYou might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Sounds special, doesn’t it? I think we are special, and hopefully you will too. Everyone has heard of rednecks by now, but traditional redneck humor either leaves out the ladies, or is incredibly harsh. Well, no more! Please read on – you may find yourself or someone you know!.

You Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

Your grandma is your hero.

You could help your child win the science fair by building an entire vehicle without spending a dime.

You don’t believe in credit cards.

You know that dog chain is used for clothesline – LOG chain is for dogs.

People ask you if you’re having a yard sale – sometimes the answer is yes, if the price is right.

You have ever dated a guy because of his vehicle.

Guys have ever dated you because of YOUR vehicle.

You manage the family stock portfolio, and the livestock as well.

You would welcome the Y2K crisis to test your survival skills.

Your husband is looking for his clean overalls, and you’re wearing them.

Not only do you buy your own auto parts, you request them by part number.

You don’t let ANYONE in your family watch professional wrestling.

You may dye your hair, but you would never get a boob job.

You always dress up for Halloween.

You understand that real women don’t look like Barbie dolls, and your kids understand too.

You don’t fall for every fad that comes down the pike, but some of those Beanie Babies are pretty darn cute.

You’ve always known that less is more, except when it applies to horsepower.

You honestly don’t mind getting power tools as gifts, as long as they’re the ones you asked for.

You ever had to kill a snake, and then considered cooking it for dinner to see if it really does taste like chicken.

You have noticed that sometimes people who have cell phones look like they have no business having one.

You find it strange to see a raggedy-looking person at the laundromat, driving a brand-new Suburban.

You have ever had to hose off your children before allowing them in the house.

You don’t see anything unusual about driving your kids to town for trick-or-treating.

You think vegetarianism is just plain silly.

You prefer manual-locking hubs.

You will agree to drive an import ONLY if it’s a 5-speed.

Your kids love diving off a boat in the middle of the lake.

You can back a vehicle pulling a trailer.

Your kids routinely see deer and/or turkeys on the way to school – and can identify them.

Your mom and dad are usually glad to see you.

You own your dream car/truck – and it’s paid for.

You weren’t a cheerleader because you were too busy.

You can do your complete makeup and hair in less than 15 minutes.

You know what a well is because you use one.

You always say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Guys aren’t afraid to tell you dirty jokes – and you’re not afraid to repeat them.

You have won ribbons at the fair.

You get along perfectly well with other women, as long as they’re not bi***es.

You have a preferred make of vehicle, and can explain why.

You never grew out of that 8-year-old horse-crazy thing.

You understand the statement "LIVE AND LET LIVE".

Your husband thinks it’s cool that you like driving his truck.

You have won trophies.

You don’t always keep your house spotless, but you can do it when you have a good enough reason.

Your kids know what a whipping is, but aren’t terrified of you because of it.

You like to mess with telemarketers.

You know more about your favorite sport than your husband does.

You made up with your parents for being a rotten teenager.

You watch a soap opera or two, even though they are really stupid, but you don’t tape them.

You would really love to live in the city – NOT!!.

You aren’t afraid of bikers – some of your favorite relatives are Harley riders.

Your dogs can catch themselves something to eat when they’re hungry.

Your neighbor’s houses aren’t visible from your house.

You are perfectly comfortable with cussing, when the situation requires it.

You could still fit into your wedding dress, if it was still at the shop where you rented it.

You love NASCAR because we all have days when we wish we could pull a Dale Earnhardt move and get away with it.

You have ever had to bring your water home from somewhere else.

You had to spend the night in the truck because a driveshaft broke.

You lived in a barn while you were building your house.

You ever melted snow to make coffee.

You have cooked and eaten crawdads you caught with your grandma.

You know where a side of beef comes from, because you helped.

You have to drive through a creek to get to your house.

Your children have helped you pack your wheel bearings.

You have stopped to help a disabled vehicle.

You have ever heated your bathwater on the stove.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Redneck Goddess If…

You Might Be A Minnesotan If…

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

Down south to you means Iowa.

You call highways "freeways."

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating high school class went to the Univ. of Minnesota.

You know more than 1 person that has hit a deer.

People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.

You know what and where "Dinkytown" is.

"Perkins" was a popular hangout option in high school.

You have no problem saying or spelling "Minneapolis."

You can list all the "Dales."

You hate "Fargo" but realize that a lot of your family has that accent.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been canceled because of snow or cold.

You know what Mille Lacs is and how to spell it.

You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you are referring to.

You know what the numbers 694, 494, I-94, 394 mean.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.

Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.

You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly.

You can pinpoint exactly where each scene in "Untamed Heart" was filmed.

You can spot the three-second cameo appearance by "The Artist formerly Known as Prince" in "Fargo."

You’re a loyal Target shopper.

You’ve licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks or to fish.

You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4-wheel drive vehicle.

You wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

You remember WLOL.

It feels like the Mississippi is everywhere you go.

When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.

You have gone Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow.

You know that when it comes to AM, there is only WCCO, besides, what else do you need?

You know what the word SPAM stands for (in more ways than one)

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink "POP," not "SODA"

There was a time when you were SO proud that Soul Asylum is from MN

In a conversation you heard someone say "yah, sure, you betcha" and you didn’t laugh.

Everyone you know has a cabin.

You get sick of people asking you where Paisley Park is.

You know that Lake Wobegon isn’t real and you know who made it up, where they live, and exactly what to do about it.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Minnesotan If…