You Know You’re a Queen if:

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes You Know You're A...

Author Unknown

If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know how to spell Barbra’s first name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If someone says "How ’bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s,
then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If you’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn’t match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
If you’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you’re a sick Queen.
If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe

YES ANSWERS:

Over 40 – Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 – Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 – Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 – Nathan Lane!
Under 24 – Honey, you’re not hanging out with the right people!

Three Wishes

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes… Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay…"

The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Tinky Winky, gay? Au contraire. As any person of faith who has ever watched Teletubbies understands, Tinky Winky is actually a powerful symbol of God’s word made flesh. Or rather, plush.

First of all, Tinky Winky is purple, the color of royalty and the ancient priesthood. As it is written in The Song of Songs, "Thine head upon thee [is] like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king [is] held in the galleries." Unlike pink and lavender, purple is a noble hue. While The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and the National Organization of Women have attempted to co-opt it, its history as the color of kings and priests cannot be erased. Tinky Winky’s fur is thus meant to remind us of the presence of the divine in our lives.

The triangular antenna on Tinky Winky’s head represents the three sides of the Holy Trinity: Abba, Christ, and Holy Spirit. The intent is clearly to tell us to tune our own spiritual antenna to God, to "be attuned" to God’s teachings. As for Tinky Winky’s purse, or "magic bag," this feminine attribute is obviously meant to hearken back to King David, who also carried a little bag. As is written in 1 Samuel 17:40, "Then he [David] took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag." From this bag came the stone that killed Goliath. Who knows what heroic tools will come from the bag of Tinky Winky? The show has been on the air for less than a year.

The similarities between David and Tinky Winky go further. David carried his lyre, a stringed harp-like girlie instrument, constantly, and like Tinky Winky, he was constantly singing little songs. "This is my only request," he sang, "To dwell in the House of YHWH all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Godde and to be like a visitor in Godde’s sanctuary." Tinky Winky, meanwhile, sings, "Pinkle Winkle, Tinky Winky" and dwells in the Tubbytronic Superdome. I think the parallels are obvious.

I acknowledge one problematic element to this Teletubby-Davidian reading. David’s relationship with his friend Jonathan was far, far closer than that of Tinky Winky and Dipsy, the only other male Teletubby. David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (1 Samuel 18:3-4) "…And they kissed one another and wept with one another, until David exceeded" (1 Samuel 20:41). As we all know, Tinky Winky is only casually friendly with Dipsy; he reserves his greatest affection for Po, the daintiest, highest-voiced, femme-iest Teletubby. Future scholars will, we hope, work through this discrepancy.

Scholars believe that from the seed of David will come the Messiah. (The Messiah is not to be confused with the Antichrist — also a descendant of David — a Jewish man who is probably alive today, according to Falwell. In fact, he is probably Adam Sandler.) It is to be trusted that similar greatness will spring from the fluffy loins of Tinky Winky. A close analysis of Tinky Winky’s activities — eating Tubby Custard, jumping, dancing happy dances, chasing balloons, making kites, demanding hugs, and consorting with the Noo Noo (a vacuum cleaner) — has much to reveal about us, our values, and our relationship to popular culture.

A Few Holiday Favorites With A Gay Twist

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes Holidays Jokes

author unknown

"Frosty the Snow Queen"

(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the snow queen
Had a rotten Christmas Day,
While the children played with their sweet charade
He was anything but Gay.

Frosty the Snow Queen
Thought the kids had made a mess.
He deplored the pipe and the old top hat,
He preferred to wear a dress.

They made him sled, they made him skate
They had a snowball fight.
And when they put him on some skis
How it made his snowballs tight (ouch!)

He hated Christmas,
Not a hoot like Hallowe’en.
Without sequined gowns and bejewelled crowns
He’s a frigid closet queen.

All season long dear Frosty pined
And lonliness he felt
Until he spied a handsome hunk
And his heart began to melt!

They moved to the North Pole
Where their lives are cool and free.
And together during six-month nights
They’re as happy as can be!

"O Horny Dyke"

(To the tune of "O Holy Night")

O horny Dyke, riding on a Harley
With chrome exhaust and the front wheel chopped.
Ride through the night, roaring down the highway
Through quiet towns whose sad silence is stopped.

In leather chaps to match her leather jacket
And polished boots she blazes into town.
Fall on your knees! And worship Mistress Harley!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke — Dyke on a bike!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke, O horny Dyke!

"Have a Flaming Screaming Yultide"

(To the tune of "Have a holly, jolly Christmas")

Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide,
It’s the best time of the year
For all to know
That you’re Ho-mo
And happy to be Queer.

Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide
And as you walk down the street
Say "Hello"
To Dykes you know
And every Fag you meet.

Ho! Ho! If you’re Homo
Let everyone see!
Come out of the closet now,
Flaunt it publicly!

Have a flaming screaming Yuletide
And in case you didn’t hear:
Come on, Mary, have a
Flaming, screaming Yuletide this year!

"Bisexual"

(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")

Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!
Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!

You’ll sleep with women and with men
You’ll switch and then go back again.

Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!

A day or two ago, I thought I’d take a ride
And soon a buff Marine was seated by my side.
His chest was lean and hard, and free from any hair
And when I stripped him of his clothes
His legs went in the air!

"Let ‘Em Rave"

(To the tune of "Let It Snow")

O the fundies outside are frightful
But we Queers are so delightful.
They’re quite disturbed we are Gay, but
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

They scream and they wave their Bible
Shouting hateful libel.
We know they’re all closet Gays, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

When we finally kiss goodnight
We’ll be sure that the fundies can see.
During kiss-ins they get up-tight
‘Cuz they’d like to join you and me!

They’re zeal is slowly dying
They’ll soon be Queer-sex trying.
I did their pastor just the other day, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

And finally, for a little multi-culturalism…

"The Dildo Song"

(To the tune of "The Dreidle Song")

O dildo, dildo, dildo
I made you out of clay
And when you’re hard and ready
O dildo I will play

When I was a youngster
Indoors I’d always stay
And in my parents’ closet
O dildo I would play

I dildo, dildo, dildo
I bought you yesterday
And when desire’s burning
O dildo I will play!

Some lesbian jokes, removed

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED.

2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to my internet service provider.

She did not write the original list, she merely copied from online sources. If you search USENET under the group soc.women.lesbian-and-bi, you will find several threads from 1988-1989 where people posted these rules back and forth, and in fact you’ll find me contributing to it. In addition, I have an email of the same funny list forwarded to me in 1995, long before Shelly’s book came out.

I actually copied and pasted the list that used to be here from that 1995 email. In February of 1996. Also long before her damned book came out. This site has been around since 1994. Some of us are old, and have grown-up websites. This site actually goes into bars and is able to drink alcohol without me, and never get carded.

Note that I also removed the link to this woman’s book on Amazon.com – which was my way of being nice to her and forwarding people to the book she published of other people’s original content posted online. I’m not going to be nice an send people to buy her work if she sends me threats.

It’s not like the list was that funny, and it contained a lot of unflattering stereotypes of lesbians that, looking back at it, I don’t think I want to have around my site anyway.