Simple Friends and Real Friends

author unknown

Anyone can stand by you when you are right,
but a true friend will stand by you even when you are wrong.

A simple friend identifies himself when he calls.
A real friend doens’t have to.

A simple friend opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on his life.
A real friend says, "What’s new with you?"

A simple friend thinks the problems you whine about are recent.
A real friend says, "You’ve been whining about the same thing for 14 years. Get off your duff and do something about it."

A simple friend seldems sees you cry.
A real friend has soggy shoulders from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parent’s first names.
A real friend has their numbers in their address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean up.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why it took you so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks that the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you.>

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The Fence

Author Unknown

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

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The Value of Time

Author Unknown

Clock

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do?

Draw out every cent, of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against the quot;tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

24 hours

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided
an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is mystery, Today is a gift – That’s why it’s called the present!

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Three Men and the Cannibal

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Author Unknown

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten."

The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.

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The $5,000 Loan

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

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Couple On A Train

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married."

"Why not?" laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

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Sex Education

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Author Unknown

A High School teacher was giving his class a difficult assignment, he stressed the importance of this particular assignment. He said that no excuses would be accepted, unless there was an illness-with a doctor’s note; or a death in the family-with a death certificate. One of his smart-ass students pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds "Well, I guess in that event, You’ll have to figure out how to write your assignment with your other hand."


In a Sex Ed. lecture at Northern Arizona University, the professor was explaining that most of the makeup of sperm was basically Glucose (sugar). Almost as soon as the professor mentioned this fact, a female voice piped up from the back of the lecture hall "Well if it’s mostly sugar, how come it always tastes so salty?"


"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."

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Jack and Bob

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?????

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Nun’s Tale

Author Unknown

A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.

She says, "What is it my son?"

The cabbie replies, "Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister."

She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I’ve been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."

The cabbie says, "Well, I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I’m sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."

"That’s OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."

The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.

As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.

She says, "What’s wrong, my son?"

He says, "Sister, I lied. I’m Jewish and I’m married!"

She says, "That’s okay. My name’s Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!"

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