Funny One-liners

Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

… yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic’s work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn’t someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble…

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Actually, he’s more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest – Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out – Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can’t get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I’m concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime – Balzac

Being weird isn’t enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists… they don’t expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution – I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable…. except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance – now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don’t believe everything you’re told.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

Don’t eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They’re carrying.

Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind me–I’ll just bleed.

Don’t panic. They’ll all be Taken Care Of.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don’t take life seriously — it isn’t permanent.

Don’t try to engage my enthusiasm–I haven’t got one.

Don’t try to outweird me–I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Dyslexics of the world – untie!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Either I’ve been missing something, or nothing has been going on.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Go on and try it. The worst you can do it make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.

Go, and never darken my towels again – Groucho Marx

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil – Machiavelli

Have an adequate day.

Have whatever kind of day you want.

He has a room temperature IQ.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He’s got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart attacks…god’s revenge for eating his animal friends

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.

How do I know you’re not one of them?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner – Mark Twain

I am not a monotheist — the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.

I am the Imp of the Perverse – Knowing this won’t help you, either.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

I can see through your clothes

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don’t have burnout, but I’m slightly singed.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know…

I don’t like where this syllogism is going.

I don’t need you, you know–I can be lonely all by myself.

I don’t need your attitude, I have my own.

I don’t see you, so don’t pretend to be there.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I don’t work here; I’m a consultant.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes

I have no intention of telling you my real name

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I have the body of a god …. Buddha

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know it all, I just can’t remember it simultaneously.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it’s hell.

I no longer fear hell — I’ve worked in Retail.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I think – therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

I think you left the stove on.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried being reasonable once–I didn’t like it.

I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I was born weird — this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

I was raised to be charming, not sincere.

I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I’d like to speak with your inner baby-sitter.

I’d rather be dead.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m not depressed, I’m existentially challenged.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

I’m not obnoxious, I’m verbally challenging.

I’m not panicking. I’m watching you panic. It’s much more entertaining.

I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.

I’m not tense — just terribly alert.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence…

I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

I’ve enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the directions.

If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice week.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If it doesn’t feel good – don’t do it twice.

If only the innocents knew…

If only there was some indication that the universe was doing it on purpose.

If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…

If the music’s too loud, you’re too old

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

If you can’t dress weird, why dress at all?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you take me where I want to go, I’ll take you where you think we are.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

If you’re going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.

If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.

Illiterate? Write for help

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "No hard feelings"

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Is it weird in here or is it me?

Is there a meaning to life? Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

It is only trifles that irritate my nerves–Queen Victoria

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

It’s hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

It’s ok to do the right thing as long as you don’t get caught.

It’s polite to wait until you’re asked.

Posted in Funny Lists, One-Liners Tagged with: , , , ,
28 comments on “Funny One-liners
  1. Anjali Moorthy says:

    Dont steal. The government hates competition.

  2. arnob says:

    there are 10 kinds of people in the world:those who understand binary and those who doesn’t

  3. Roshan Sharma says:

    It doesn’t matter whether you win or loose,what matters is whether I win or loose.

  4. It also matters whether you spell the word “lose” correctly.

  5. Durba Biswas says:

    never underestimate the power of insanity!

  6. mark z. says:

    slow down, nudist crossing.
    Now you see it, now you don’t: a nudist rolling down a hill.

  7. Abhijit Patil says:

    You can take my advice, I am not using it!

  8. Alex Falzon says:

    There are 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t

  9. Mike says:

    A closed mouth gathers no foot

  10. williams says:

    What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

  11. Fumble says:

    Correctness is overrated. Evan a stopped clock is right twice a day.

  12. Travis says:

    I used to think laziness was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

  13. Travis says:

    I used to think laziness was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

  14. paula says:

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless

  15. KEN says:

    IF MY AUNT HAD BALLS,SHE WOULD BE MY UNCLE

  16. KEN says:

    IF MY AUNT HAD BALLS, SHE WOULD BE MY UNCLE

  17. KEN says:

    IF MY AUNT HAD BALLS, SHE WOULD BE MY UNCLE

  18. McLovin says:

    ahh, thanks KEN, i liked the last one, although I think i heard it twice before somewhere…

  19. David says:

    Bipartisnship: I’ll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass.

  20. dennis says:

    If barbie has so popular why do we have to buy her friends??

  21. Angel says:

    “It’s not what your called…it’s what you answer too”.

  22. Rick says:

    sorry, I stopped listening before you finished talking

  23. Rick says:

    If I’m not working..neither is my Medication

  24. Rick says:

    If I’m not working..neither is my Medication

  25. carol says:

    Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

  26. fuzz says:

    Why can’t I find part 2

  27. Mike says:

    children.. yes i have 3… one of each!

  28. bob says:

    a man wALKS INTO A BAR.. WHAT Happened… he hurt his nose

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