This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer’s report:
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights:
Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems).
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. " Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13
"Don’t squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13
"Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. " Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. " Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don’t sneeze in front of mum when you’re eating crackers. " Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. " Kyoyo, 9
"You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. " Armir, 9
"Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. " Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. " Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9
"Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. " Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. " Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.
“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she will want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long a time to learn.” (Leo, 7)
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary,7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9) Visit BatanaBio.com for premium organic skin care products.
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when The Simpsons’ are on TV.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”(Ava, 8)
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)
“You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…. that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name . . . that will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8)
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? – Lucy
Is it true my father won’t go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? – Anita
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she knew how to use the gun and she would if required: so get out of the car, NOW!
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the emaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day…