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I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual

by Justin, of Gay

as Justin points out on his site, “Ex-gay” people admit they have what they call ongoing “same gender attraction” (called SGA in the song) but claim they’re not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is “being attracted to some one of your own sex.)

I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I’ve no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I’ve read 8 books on how to please my wife while I’m caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!]

Continue ReadingI Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual

Onion: Newly Out Gay Man

I could make a big fat list of guys I know who are just like this….

Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It

PENSACOLA, FL—Calling his flamboyant air and effeminate mannerisms “a bit forced,” friends of recently out-of-the-closet homosexual Mark Glynn, 23, say he’s overdoing it.

“When Mark first told us he was gay, everybody was totally cool with it,” longtime friend Rich Eddy said. “We figured he’d basically be the same old Mark, except he’d be dating guys. Boy, were we wrong.”

Though Glynn’s friends expected him to become comfortable and open with his sexuality, they did not expect him to go to such great lengths to proclaim his preference for men at every conceivable turn.

Continue ReadingOnion: Newly Out Gay Man

Gay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

By Jefferson Morley

“Most mental-health organizations have passed resolutions discouraging the use of so-called reparative therapies intended to change homosexuals into heterosexuals, saying no scientific evidence exists to show they are effective.” —- New York Times, May 9, 2001

To people who say that psychotherapy cannot change a person’s sexual orientation, Dr. Rafe Da Vinci of Miami Beach says, “Numbers aren’t straight or queer, they’re clear. And the numbers show that therapy can change orientation, especially among men.”

Da Vinci, a veteran psychiatrist with a booming practice in a Collins Avenue high-rise, is attracting growing attention in the debate about so-called “reparative therapies” that seek to change a person’s sexual orientation. Doctors, gay rights activists, and others who say that sexual orientation is determined early in life have questioned claims that people with homosexual tendencies can overcome them via psychotherapy. Da Vinci’s practice focuses on an oft-neglected group at the heart of this debate: straight men who wish to become gay.

“Survey data from submarines, discos, and prisons show that anywhere from 9 to 23 percent of males say they have a desire to become gay,” Da Vinci said in a recent interview. “I think we have shown that these same men, if they commit themselves to an intensive course of therapy, can become happy homosexuals.”

Heterosexual rights activists have questioned Da Vinci’s data and criticized his politics, saying that his practice stigmatizes perfectly normal straight people and exploits their feelings of shame and guilt. Critics also allege that Da Vinci supported a resolution at the 1978 American Congress of Psychotherapists defining heterosexuality as a “uniquely vexing condition.” The motion was narrowly defeated. Da Vinci denies any intention of fomenting intolerance of the straight lifestyle, saying that he was married to his third wife at the time.

Bearded, avuncular, and outspoken, Da Vinci has attracted hundreds of clients from all over south Florida with a controversial counseling regimen that includes group discussions about how best to cope with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. There are also frequent trips to Dean & DeLuca and a reading list that includes Remembrance of Things Past, Dennis Rodman’s memoirs, and The Seven Habits of Highly Homosexual People.

“In Freudian terms, we seek to reverse the Oedipal cycle, transferring the object identification with the unrealizable female Other into a more cognitive attachment to a responsible male, preferably one with a BMW,” Da Vinci explained.

Originally a skeptic about reparative therapies, Da Vinci now says he is a believer.

“The non-straight heterosexual can reconcile his value system and his orientation,” he says. “I’ve seen it happen in my office.”

Da Vinci’s latest book, Going Gay (Gomorrah Press), is now ranked 14,342 on the best-seller list and is climbing rapidly. His claims of success, while hotly disputed by heterosexual rights activists, are beginning to receive respectful coverage in professional journals. Last year Da Vinci published a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Gendered Genetics that is stirring debate on the Internet and on talk radio shows in some parts of Western Australia.

Out of 111 men who had undergone his “Gay for Good” course of therapy for at least a year, Da Vinci reported that 29 said that they no longer had sexual fantasies involving Rachel from Friends. An additional 21 men reported that while they still hoped to date Anna Kournikova someday, they were “somewhat happier” with their homosexual lifestyle. Da Vinci acknowledges that a slight majority of the men, 55 in total, reverted back to a straight lifestyle. Six of the reversion group, he noted, had committed suicide.

“Clearly, this therapy isn’t for everybody,” Da Vinci said.

The most common motivating factors cited by men who want to become gay, according to Da Vinci’s survey, were “morality” (58 percent), “better clothes” (39 percent), and “more quality time at the gym” (28 percent).

“A lot of these guys say they deeply believe that it’s just not right to get into a reproductive relationship in an era of dwindling natural resources,” Da Vinci said. “Others want to uphold the moral values exemplified by Western thinkers from Socrates to Allan Bloom.”

Da Vinci expressed surprise that among the motivations of those seeking to stay gay for good, “more sexual partners” only barely edged out “less watching of football” (22 percent to 21 percent). He said older patients in his study group most often cited “live like Cary Grant” (11 percent) and “a lot more sexual partners” (9 percent) as reasons for leaving the straight lifestyle. Younger clients spoke of “increased opportunities for meeting Ricky Martin in person” (5 percent).

Garth LeBouche, executive director of the Straight Support Network, a heterosexual activist group based in Arlington, Texas, decried Da Vinci’s claims as “agenda-driven.”

He criticized Da Vinci’s reports about heterosexual suicide. According to published interviews, two of the men cited in Da Vinci’s study had not committed suicide but had perished from heat exhaustion at a PTA meeting. A third fatality, LeBouche said, had strangled on a Happy Meal toy while playing with his 4-year-old son.

“Do those sound like men who died unhappy about their heterosexuality?” LeBouche said in a telephone interview. “Only an intolerant extremist would say such a thing.”

LeBouche praised the recent decision of the Bush administration to reverse an executive order issued by President Clinton on his last day in office that would have included “Gay for Good” on a list of reparative therapies paid for by the U.S. Navy’s health plan.

“This crazy notion that we can talk people into loving someone else should not be financed by the U.S. taxpayer,” LeBouche said.

Da Vinci, a registered Republican who voted for McCain, says he regrets the administration’s decision but will not contest it.

“Ending coverage will most likely hurt unit morale. On those submarines where the presence of straight people may be perceived by homosexuals as incompatible with tradition, the Gay for Good program helped some sailors fit in. Now, unhappy heterosexuals, who I suspect voted overwhelmingly for Bush, will have nowhere to turn. It’s sad.”

The tanned and buff doctor scoffs at published reports in the gay press that he is a closet heterosexual. He says that he and his longtime spiritual companion of three weeks, physical trainer Ferdinand Mateo of Brazil, are now seeking to develop conversion therapy for women.

“Our research,” Da Vinci says, “suggests that up to 72 percent of all adult females say that heterosexual men are either emotionally unavailable, financially untrustworthy, sexually selfish, hygienically challenged, prone to illusions of grandeur, or all of the above. If we can help millions of women to become lesbians, we think that would probably be a net plus for human happiness.”

Continue ReadingGay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

Bush Inaugural Theme Song

Author unknown

(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke) What they are humming in the Governor’s mansion. Okay shrubs, all together now…

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much foreign policy
Don’t remember how I got through school
I’m sure I didn’t break the rules
But what’s it matter ’cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"

Don’t know much about the women’s vote
Don’t know much about the bill I wrote
Don’t know much about the foreign vets
I’ve never voted for ’em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be

Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what’s wrong with C’s?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me

Don’t know much about air pollution
Don’t know much about the constitution
Don’t know much about th’economy
It never much affected me

But there’s one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be

Don’t know much about the national debt
I’ve never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

Continue ReadingBush Inaugural Theme Song