I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual

by Justin, of Gay Christian.net

as Justin points out on his site, “Ex-gay” people admit they have what they call ongoing “same gender attraction” (called SGA in the song) but claim they’re not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is “being attracted to some one of your own sex.)

I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I’ve no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I’ve read 8 books on how to please my wife while I’m caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
[Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!]


I wrote a tell-all book about my sordid lifestyle histories
It’s been at least a month from my last bathroom break at Mister P’s
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
[Chorus:
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
II.
My father was a weakling and my mother was tyrannical
In lieu of wrestlemania, my interests were botanical
My peer group had a way of undermining my stability
Because I lacked in football any natural ability
Since “gay” and what I felt were in reality antonymous
I took the narrow path to homosexuals anonymous
The counselors determined after listening to my narrative
My brokenness results from having drives that are reparative
[Chorus:
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are repar-reparative!]
Now, though I hope my obfuscating language doesn’t vex you all
I’m told I am a non-gay same-sex tempted homosexual
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
[Chorus:
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
III.
I’ll know I’ve finally made it when my picture is in Citizen
You’ll read my testimony in the Christian mags that it is in
I’ll testify to Congress without ever feeling ill-at-ease
When I no longer notice guys with looks like Ryan Phillippe’s
When body image means no more and I’m content with tippin’ scales
When I’ve eradicated any ling’ring thoughts of Chippendales
When I can get my ex-gay wife to pick up on my simple hints
And when I father children without need of kitchen implements
[Chorus:
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen imple-implements!]
For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical
A struggle’s not enough when testimonies are political
But still, although I’m dealing with my childhood residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual!
[Chorus:
But still, although he’s dealing with his childhood residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]