holidays

We’re Hiding in the House With the Lights Off

Because we ran out of candy about 10 minutes ago. Holy crap! We gave away not only all of our candy, but the candy our neighbor brought over because he had to leave. We had about 150 kids or so. And we can still hear them out there walking up and down the street. Next year — way more candy.

We didn’t expect to get many kids; we asked the neighbors and they said there are only ever a few. If this is a few, I’m worried what they think a lot would be.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Mystery House

Continue ReadingWe’re Hiding in the House With the Lights Off

My 2005 Christmas Loot

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Journal

Everyone’s blogging about how wonderful it was to spend time with their friends and family. I could do that, but I talk about how great they are all the time. Instead, here’s a list of the cool stuff they got me, because they are awesome. (I still have to exchange presents with my friends Dan and Doug and Kathy).

  1. Wicked: The Grimmerie, a Behind-the-Scenes Look at the Hit Broadway Musical book
  2. Fireplace Mantel
  3. Fireplace Iron Grate
  4. Chicken Decoration
  5. Jaarsma Bakery Dutch Letters
  6. Brown Bobby Triangle Donuts
  7. 1933 Collectors Edition of King Kong (with Son of Kong and Mighty Joe Young) DVD
  8. Island of the Skull King Kong Prequel Book
  9. a “rain” showerhead for my shower
  10. Bath & Body Works Lemon Verbena Salt Scrub
  11. Bath & Body Works Lemon Verbena home spray
  12. Bath & Body Works Ginger Verbena body lotion
  13. massager
  14. Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs — 5 mls of Annabel Lee, Bearded Lady, Jester
  15. Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs — Imps of Lightning, Fallen and Hurricane
  16. Nancy Drew retro DVD
  17. Wind-up Emergency Radio
  18. Dinosaur Pinata (I totally begged for this, because it’s great!!)
  19. Curious George Hallmark Ornament (#2 in series)
  20. Curious George Band Aids
  21. Curious George Uno Game
  22. Doggie Calendar
  23. monkey stickers (in stocking)
  24. doggie magnetic poetry (in stocking)
  25. The Experts’ Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do book
  26. Dr. Doolittle DVD
  27. Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machines DVD
  28. 2 Barnes and Noble Gift Cards
  29. iTunes Gift Card
  30. 2 Different kinds of Laser Levels
  31. A large flashlight
  32. A disposable emergency flashlight
  33. Can of Windshield De-Icer
  34. Coffee
  35. Harry & David candies
  36. 2 Journals
  37. Greenpeace Calendar
  38. Monopoly Hand Towel
  39. Curious George Altoid Mints
  40. Chex Mix
  41. Stocking loot, including Hindu finger puppets
  42. Godiva Chocolates
  43. Chicken tablecloth
  44. Chicken t-shirt
  45. Avon Candle
  46. this years State Quarters
  47. A Sudoku Book
  48. a Candle Holder
  49. 2 Pomegranate scented candles
  50. monkey earrings
  51. handmade candy cane ornament

Stuff I bought for myself

  1. Motorola Razr Phone
  2. King Kong xBox Game
  3. Mah-Jongg PC Game
  4. A Feast For Crows book
  5. Jesus Is Not a Republican: The Religious Right’s War on America book
  6. Best Lesbian Erotica 2006 book
  7. Gourmet Amiguri “Little Monkey Me” (as a companion to a gift I got for Stephanie of a little Monkey version of her.)
Continue ReadingMy 2005 Christmas Loot

How Santa Knows IF you’ve Been Good

Santa Bag

(Supposedly written for and sung at a U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Legal Counsel, Christmas party during the Carter Administration.) –Eugene Volokh, UCLA Law

Sung to the tune of…

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.

He’s buggin your room,
He’s reading your mail,
He’s keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone

He hears you in the bedroom
Surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn’t get the goods
Then he’ll use provocateurs.

So you mustn’t assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He’ll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone

Continue ReadingHow Santa Knows IF you’ve Been Good

A Christmas Tradition is Born

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays

Author Unknown

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Continue ReadingA Christmas Tradition is Born

ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays

by David Bibb

CHICAGO – The American CivilLiberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children’s rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus’ organization, "…clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence."

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus’ Christmas travels this year.

Continue ReadingACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Christmas Fruitcake

Author Unknown

You’ll need the following:

  • 1 C water
  • 1 C sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 C dried fruit
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 C brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

(Sample the whiskey to check for quality).

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK – Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed. Who the hell likes druitcake anyway?

Continue ReadingChristmas Fruitcake Recipe

Holiday recap

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Travel

Between the weekend before Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, my girlfriend Stephanie and I:

1) decorated my house and put up my tree, then did the same at Stephanie’s house.

2) Attended Six family Christmases involving 3 road trips (my Grandma’s in Iowa, my mom, my dad, Stephanie’s mom, Stephanie’s Dad and Stephanie’s friend Michelle’s family Christmas)

3) introduced Stephanie to all of my family, and Stephanie introduced me to all of her family (which involved drawing up family trees to keep track of everyone)

4) Attended twelve parties between the two of us (Dan & Doug’s tree decorating party, Mittie’s birthday, Jane Rae’s birthday, Elizabeth’s birthday, Rachel’s baby shower, Jen’s Christmas party, Stephanie’s work Christmas party, John’s skating party, my thanksgiving at work, Stephanie’s thanksgiving at work, my Christmas gift exchange at work, Dan and Doug’s New Year’s Eve Party)

5) Threw a Christmas party, where we watched Christmas specials and drank egg nog and ate cookies

6) Had Christmas dinner with Stephanie’s friend Erin

7) Had my grandparents, aunt and uncle, and Dad and step mom visit to see my house

8) Missed two Christmas parties (Jennifer’s Christmas party and Michelle’s Christmas party)

9) shopped and wrapped gifts for everyone, baked holiday cookies, and sent out around 90 holiday cards

10) Attended Elizabeth’s mom’s funeral visitation

11) had two photo shoots for the Nuvo article

12) Had my furnace break down and repaired, and Stephanie’s roof repaired and front door repaired

13) Had Stephanie’s car broken into and the window repaired, had my gas tank tampered with, had one flat tire on Stephanie’s car, had the CV joint replaced on her car.

14) Loaned Stephanie’s car to her friend Jan

15) Went to Stephanie’s State Skating Competition

16) Were snowed in with a foot of snow, then had sub-zero temperatures

It’s been a hectic holiday season, to say the least. Although it was fun for the most part, I’m very glad it’s over.

Continue ReadingHoliday recap

Thanksgiving 2003

Cornucopia, Washington, Iowa
Cornucopia, Washington, Iowa

I drove to my grandmother’s house in Brighton, Iowa on Wednesday last week. Brighton is in south eastern Iowa, an hour north and west of Burlington. My younger brother Gary went with me, and he was very cool to ride with because he’s interesting and funny, despite the constant backseat driving. 🙂 He’s twenty-five, single and a Wabash graduate, BTW, in case you know any single girls. We stopped in Peoria, Illinois on the way to get photos of the Uniroyal Gal. We stayed at the Super 8 Motel in Washington, Iowa, which is about 13 miles north of Brighton, because Brighton doesn’t actually have a motel. It’s rather small.

Uniroyal Gal, Peoria, Ill
Uniroyal Gal, Peoria, Ill

My three other brothers all drove also; Todd and Paul drove their new trucks, too. Paul hit a deer on the way, unfortunately, and damaged the front of his truck, which I just realized I should have taken a picture of, but didn’t.

On Thursday, we all stayed around Grandma’s and ate dinner, then opened Christmas presents. All the male relatives got gag underwear, which they tried on over their pants for a photo. My grandmother gave us beautiful plates that she hand-painted herself, which will I will be hanging in my dining room.

On Friday, we went to the Amana Colonies to eat at the Ox Yoke Inn and to shop. The Amana Colonies were formed in 1854 by a german religious order who bought 18,000 acres of land in Iowa. They aren’t Amish, although there is a large Amish settlement nearby in Kalona, Iowa. Kalona is where we stop to get cheese curds every year. I bought a lot of great things this year at the Amana Colonies, including wine and beer for New Years Eve.

On Saturday we stopped at my aunt Rosemary’s farm for cinnamon rolls and coffee (recipe for the rolls will be posted soon!) and then started the six hour drive home.

Continue ReadingThanksgiving 2003

Christmas Sampler

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays

"Santa’s Lap"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn’t you get my E-mail?"

"Christmas Pageant"

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

"The Nativity Scene"

A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.

However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That’s Round John Virgin."

"The Lost Purse"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward."

Continue ReadingChristmas Sampler