gay jokes – Page 2 – commonplacebook.com

Attention All Heterosexual Men!

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 16, 2001
Post category:Gay Jokes

Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on "Will & Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you’ll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages 18-65 to become homosexuals. Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We’ll give you all the steps you’ll need to be a happy fairy, such as:

Drag Queen make-up tips!
How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!
How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
Ricky Martin’s fan club address
Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you’re not too attached to that uni-brow)
How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we’ll insert a few bucks to get you started)
Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo"
Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra’s wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU’LL RECEIVE A GOLD-PLATED CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don’t delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren’t you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room?

Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!

Call today. Operators are standing by . . . . .

FABULAIR … Blueprint For The First Gay Airline

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 2001
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Welcome Aboard

The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.

Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you’ll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.

You Know You’ve Arrived

Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on – it’s color-coded to indicate whether you’re aggressively single, possibly available, or married.

On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They’re young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul – they’re gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you’re after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.

If There’s Anything We Can Do…

Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It’s comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you’ll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can’t wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You’re ready for takeoff. You’ll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair… Out…. Curve… Genre?… Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.

The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you’d like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior’s "Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes.

Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don’t be sad. You’ve earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.

Too Fabulous

Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It’s so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class.

We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don’t need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you.

At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it. On board, you’ll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn’t improve our service, so we just added more.

Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you’ll agree, it’s a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world’s first all-gay airline.

Can’t Fly if You’re Gay

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1998
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I’m sorry, but you’ll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you’ve made a mistake – I’m Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I’m gay too! They can’t throw us all off!"

Careful When Playing Golf

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1997
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where’s your ball?"

"It’s over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1997
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

The Purse doesn’t match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
That headpiece. A gold star for its FABULOUS height, but it really doesn’t have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. It absolutely demands bugle beads, or something lacey.
He hangs out in a meadow. Not a bush or tree in sight. A bit too daring for anything but the quickest quickie.
He’s a really bad dancer.
The name Tinky Winky. I don’t know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that…. HELLO, it screams "I’m small down there and I don’t care who knows it."

Ken’s Letter To Santa

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 25, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes Holidays

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment – the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations – we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe – he’s mine.

Sincerely,

Ken

Barbie’s Letter to Santa

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 25, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes Holidays

Author Unknown

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more ’90s look. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or "Divorce Barbie" and package me with all of Ken’s belongings.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie
Dreamhouse Malibu, CA

You Know You’re a Queen if:

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes You Know You're A...

Author Unknown

If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know how to spell Barbra’s first name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If someone says "How ’bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s,
then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If you’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn’t match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
If you’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you’re a sick Queen.
If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
If you’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe

YES ANSWERS:

Over 40 – Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 – Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 – Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 – Nathan Lane!
Under 24 – Honey, you’re not hanging out with the right people!

Some lesbian jokes, removed

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED.

2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to my internet service provider.

She did not write the original list, she merely copied from online sources. If you search USENET under the group soc.women.lesbian-and-bi, you will find several threads from 1988-1989 where people posted these rules back and forth, and in fact you’ll find me contributing to it. In addition, I have an email of the same funny list forwarded to me in 1995, long before Shelly’s book came out.

I actually copied and pasted the list that used to be here from that 1995 email. In February of 1996. Also long before her damned book came out. This site has been around since 1994. Some of us are old, and have grown-up websites. This site actually goes into bars and is able to drink alcohol without me, and never get carded.

Note that I also removed the link to this woman’s book on Amazon.com – which was my way of being nice to her and forwarding people to the book she published of other people’s original content posted online. I’m not going to be nice an send people to buy her work if she sends me threats.

It’s not like the list was that funny, and it contained a lot of unflattering stereotypes of lesbians that, looking back at it, I don’t think I want to have around my site anyway.

Huntin’ Bears

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1995
Post category:Gay Jokes

Frank was excited about his new rifle and glock conversion from https://460rowland.com/product/compensated-glock-30-conversion/. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said “You’ve got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have fun.”

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”