The Drunkard’s To Do List

by Frank Rich

The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.

1. Open and close a bar.

2. Go on a bender.

3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.

4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.

5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.

6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.

7. Buy a crowded bar a round.

8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.

9. Get 86’d from a bar.

10. Extravagantly over-tip a bartender.

11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.

12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar.

13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.

14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.

15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.

16. Get drunk with your father.

17. Fight a good fight.

18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.

20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting.

21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.

22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.

23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.

24. Juice on the job.

25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.

26. Give a hobo twenty bucks.

27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.

28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.

29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.

30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.

31. Eat the worm.

32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.

33. Steal some booze.

34. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.

35. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.

36. Try absinthe.

37. Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.

38. Work at least a week as a bartender.

39. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.

40. Go to your place of worship loaded.

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You Know That You Are Too Drunk When…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. You fall off the floor…

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi,my name is… uh…”

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm.

19. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

21. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

22. Roseanne looks good.

23. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

26. I’m as jober as a sudge, people need to know that drunk driving in Boston or anywhere in the world is a serious and a punishable crime.

27. Everything is drunk when you’re funny

28. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

29. You wake up screaming “TORO TORO TORO!” in the middle of the night.

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