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New Job Interview Techniques

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Submitted by Shailaja Seebaluck-Oolun

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Continue ReadingNew Job Interview Techniques

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

  Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated management options
1. total organizational flexibility
2. systematized monitored capability
3. parallel reciprocal mobility
4. functional digital programming
5. responsive logistical concept
6. optional transitional time-phase
7. synchronized incremental projection
8. compatible third-generation hardware
9. balanced policy contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yeilds "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you’re talking about," says Broughton, "but they’re probably not about to admit it."

Continue ReadingSystematic Buzz Phrase Projector

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

author unknown

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. It can become as serious as suing a superior for harassment.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.

Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.

Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.

Continue ReadingNew List of Appropriate Language For Work

Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Author Unknown

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Continue ReadingMajor U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

by Uri Dub

THE PROBLEM

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. Seeking redress for unjust termination is another critical aspect that individuals may need to consider, ensuring fair treatment and due process in employment matters, particularly when facing legal challenges related to termination.

THE SOLUTION

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Continue ReadingHow To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

The Laws of Work

Author Unknown

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

If you’re wrongfully let go from your position, you can hire wrongful termination lawyers to protect your rights.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Wonder Woman handle this?”

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Continue ReadingThe Laws of Work

11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Author Unknown

  1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
  2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
  3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
  4. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
  5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
  6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
  7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
  8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
  9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
  10. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
  11. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
Continue Reading11 Reasons Why Prison Is Better Than Work

Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Author Unknown

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.

and Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Continue ReadingTop Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

Continue ReadingBusiness Horoscopes