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More funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that would look great on a t-shirt or bumper sticker.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.

Leave bad enough alone!

Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.

Lethargy in motion.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Living well is the best revenge.

Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know — Caroline Lamb, referring to Lord Byron

Make no enemies accidentally.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

Minimum wage for politicians.

Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My Reality Check bounced.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France

My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.

My mom thinks I’m at the movies.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No good deed goes unpunished.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not all who wander are lost

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known – Montaigne

Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is – Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 – ?54 BCE)

Oh, evolve!

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Our parents were never our age.

Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

Quantum mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.

Sanity is madness put to good uses – Santayana.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile. It confuses People.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

So many fools, so few comets.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

Some things are sacred–I haven’t taken them apart yet.

Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do – Bertrand Russell

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have

Take my advice. I’m not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

That was before … now you’re dealing with Me.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The early bird still has to eat the worms.

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound – Anonymous

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

The lunatic fringe begins here.

The meek are getting ready…

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. – Bertrand Russell

The trouble with you is that you’re alive

The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The windmills are winning.

There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There you go again, thinking you have rights.

There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of it as evolution in action.

This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?

This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.

This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.

This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once — it’s not working.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered – Voltaire

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful – Mae West

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

Warning! Whimsical when bored

Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We are not amused.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

We’re all mad here.

Welcome back to square one.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What a long, strange trip it’s been.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

What color is the sky in your world?

What could possible go wrong?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I’ll buy it for you."

Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time–that should be enough for most purposes.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

You get what you settle for.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You’re only young once–after that you need another excuse.

Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.

Your silliness has been noted.

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