One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you’d be bored. Wouldn’t You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I’ll answer a personal ad"
But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn’t anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street
And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don’t really drink — but that’s where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot
There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!
Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you’re rude!
What makes you think that you’re such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel
Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!
Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I’m just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!
It was everyone’s favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group — the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!
And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears
But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos
He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!
His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs
And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything’s Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!
And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky
First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines
I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques
There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW
I even saw one fellow wearing a cow
And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you’d be mean too if you had only an inch!)
And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
‘Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!
Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy’s in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!
I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt
"You ain’t seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I’m not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They’re both on my team, cause we’re in the Gay Games!
Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"
Now it’s hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he’d call
A year later we’re dating! We’re really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight ’em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street!