To Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Author Unknown

One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you’d be bored. Wouldn’t You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I’ll answer a personal ad"

But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn’t anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street

And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don’t really drink — but that’s where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot

There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!

Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you’re rude!
What makes you think that you’re such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel

Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!

Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I’m just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!

It was everyone’s favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group — the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!

And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears

But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos

He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!

His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs

And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything’s Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!

And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky

First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines

I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques

There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW

I even saw one fellow wearing a cow

And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you’d be mean too if you had only an inch!)

And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
‘Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!

Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy’s in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!

I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt

"You ain’t seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I’m not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They’re both on my team, cause we’re in the Gay Games!

Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"

Now it’s hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he’d call

A year later we’re dating! We’re really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight ’em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street!

Continue ReadingTo Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

Author Unknown

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. |
Quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your mom.

Continue ReadingDr. Seuss Explains Computers

Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Author Unknown

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!

The Cat in the Microwave

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?

The Fox in Detox

The Grinch’s Ten Inches

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

Zippy the Gerbil

My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Who Shat in the Hat?

Horton Hires a Ho

Aunts in My Pants

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!

Yentl the Lentil

Continue ReadingDr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife

Now, that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale

Continue ReadingSeuss on Clinton – extended remix