as Justin points out on his site, “Ex-gay” people admit they have what they call ongoing “same gender attraction” (called SGA in the song) but claim they’re not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is “being attracted to some one of your own sex.)
I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I’ve no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I’ve read 8 books on how to please my wife while I’m caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
[Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!]
I wrote a tell-all book about my sordid lifestyle histories
It’s been at least a month from my last bathroom break at Mister P’s
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
[Chorus:
In short, despite a teeny little SGA residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
II.
My father was a weakling and my mother was tyrannical
In lieu of wrestlemania, my interests were botanical
My peer group had a way of undermining my stability
Because I lacked in football any natural ability
Since “gay” and what I felt were in reality antonymous
I took the narrow path to homosexuals anonymous
The counselors determined after listening to my narrative
My brokenness results from having drives that are reparative
[Chorus:
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are reparative,
His brokenness results from having drives that are repar-reparative!]
Now, though I hope my obfuscating language doesn’t vex you all
I’m told I am a non-gay same-sex tempted homosexual
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
[Chorus:
And so despite a temporary struggle with residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
III.
I’ll know I’ve finally made it when my picture is in Citizen
You’ll read my testimony in the Christian mags that it is in
I’ll testify to Congress without ever feeling ill-at-ease
When I no longer notice guys with looks like Ryan Phillippe’s
When body image means no more and I’m content with tippin’ scales
When I’ve eradicated any ling’ring thoughts of Chippendales
When I can get my ex-gay wife to pick up on my simple hints
And when I father children without need of kitchen implements
[Chorus:
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen implements,
And when he fathers children without need of kitchen imple-implements!]
For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical
A struggle’s not enough when testimonies are political
But still, although I’m dealing with my childhood residual
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual!
[Chorus:
But still, although he’s dealing with his childhood residual,
he is the very model of an ex-gay individual!]
Excellent. It’s interesting that “Boston Legal” had a storyline about this same issue Tuesday night, the same day that Ted Haggard declared that after three weeks of counseling, he is now 100% heterosexual.
Love the song. Like all good satire it makes some excellent points. I do take exception to the first line of the last stanza though. “For in certain Christian circles, having proof of change is critical”…the assumption seems to be that it’s the ‘hardcore Christians’ to whom that ‘proof of change’ is critical.
In my 10 plus years of ex-gay ministry, the only people who ever demanded (and still demand) such proof are the gay Christians. The fundamentalists–and even the charismatics–all seem to understand that change is a PROCESS and that any believer is likely to be tempted again in any area where he or she was once vulnerable.
But, as for the rest of the song, thanks for the chuckles!
Well of course proof of change is critical, or at least it should be to you as an”ex-gay” – otherwise there’s no point in what you’re doing at all.
If you really believe that being gay is bad, then you have to believe that it’s possible to be “not gay” – meaning proof of change is a must, or you won’t go to live with your imaginary bearded friend in the sky.
The reality is that change isn’t at all possible – you’ll never get rid of “same gender attraction” because it’s a built in component, like breathing, and blood circulation. You’ll always be gay, just like black people can bleach their skin, but they’re still African-American.
I totally just sang the whole damn thing! Loves it.