Fun Stuff To Do

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window.”
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  79. Put them on hold.
  80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
  82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  84. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  85. Haggle.
  86. Order a one-inch pizza.
  87. Order term life insurance.
  88. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
  92. Engage in some serious swapping.
  93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  97. Order a steamed pizza.
  98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
  99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
  100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
Continue Reading100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

Interoffice Games

A list of games to play at work, shamelessly cribbed from Jane McGonigal’s gaming blog, but she received it in e-mail from her mom, so fair sharing must apply. I recognize some of these from some of my other lists of pranks you can play.

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ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

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FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5) After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9) In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.” (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

TEN POINT DARES

And if that wasn’t enough for you… How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it “IN”.
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”

Continue ReadingInteroffice Games

Credit Card company issues card on torn-up application

Rob Cockerham has been conducting fun experiments for years on his site Cockeyed.com, and I’ve linked to more that a few that were great. Here’s one that’s great and disturbing at the same time…
Rob wondered if a credit card company would accept an application that had been torn up into tiny pieces, and also issued to a different address than where the app had been sent. Of course you would hope that they would balk at that — but nope. They issued him a card. Read the whole experiment; it’s worth the information.
I’m glad I bought that pricy, sturdy cross-cut shredder now. I killed two cheap shredders I had previously, so I finally ponied up the money for a real one.

Continue ReadingCredit Card company issues card on torn-up application

Fun Things To Do At WalMart

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t realize it.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible… "I smell sex and candy"

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station – then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

Put M&M’s on layaway.

Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won’t you people just leave me alone?’

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. X-Men.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission:Impossible.

Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me, pick me.”

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no- It’s those voices again.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud…”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!".

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do At WalMart

Fun Things To Do in the Office

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are. However it doesn’t work if your boss copies you already.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be “xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. You can also add office chair mats for your own safety and comfort.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Compose all your e-mail in the form of a Haiku.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing,” and leave.

Organize a carpool. Then go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

Send out flyers to your entire department/division announcing a required staff development program. When everyone arrives, show them slides from your vacation.

Tell everyone that you are quitting. At your going away party, announce that you were just joking. Make sure to take their presents.

Send out a notice saying that you have a brain tumor. After everyone in your office sends flowers and presents, send out another note telling everyone that it was not a brain tumor but just a bad headache.

When answering your phone, talk in a fake British accent.

Take a picture of your boss and have it framed to show your appreciation. Display it in a prominent location on your desk, or better yet, on wooden trestle tables in a shared office space. These tables not only add a touch of rustic charm but also serve as a sturdy and stylish way to showcase meaningful decor.

Whenever a fellow staff member sneezes, quickly yell “SHUT UP!” If they sneeze a second time, follow up with “I SAID SHUT UP!”. A third time, leave the room crying while saying “NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!”.

In the summertime, get an inflatable swimming pool. Blow it up and fill it with water. Place it in the center of your office. During lunch time, put on your bathing suit and lounge in the pool. Anytime someone walks by, yell “HEY NO RUNNING AROUND THE POOL!”

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

While sitting in your cube, yodel.

Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in the Office

Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water’s cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting… more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Author Unknown

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “TopSecret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

If you plan to be a samurai or ninja for Halloween, you may want a wakizashi sword as part of your costume.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

Continue ReadingWays To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Fun Things To Do Anywhere

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…"

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Check out a novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

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Fun Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. If people need chimney services, view here and get them best ones in town!

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

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Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.

When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

Fill your car with beer bottles.

The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

Swear at everybody on the road.

When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

Beep your horn at everything.

Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

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