Jokes

Author Unknown

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90’s!, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him with the help of divorce law firm in Jonesboro to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. For divorce lawyers serving in California, you can check out this site!

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Monster. It is imperative to get help from men’s child support lawyer to further understand divorce and child custody!

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver. You can check here to find experienced lawyers for divorce serving in Chester if you looking for divorce lawyers who can give you legal counseling and help you take the best decision for you and your future.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him with the help of the law firm for child custody to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced with help from law firms like Melbourne family lawyers and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”

In legal matters, partnerships can sometimes resemble strange bedfellows, particularly when discussing grounds for divorce in Illinois. Understanding these grounds is crucial for navigating the complexities of family law.

Author Unknown

16. We’re working on that smell thing, too.

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on "COPS"

13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets

Author Unknown

Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Author Unknown

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck."

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come. Here are some past winners:

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).

Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).

Found–the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).

Water into wine–ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).

Half-dead cat found in box–RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).

Author Unknown

To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

p class=”author”>Author Unknown

Never squat with yer spurs on.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along… and shot him. The moral: "When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut ".

If you find yourself in a hole, the first think to do is stop diggin’.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.