How To Write Good

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by Frank L. Visco and others

Always avoid alliteration.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat.

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren’t necessary.

Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.

Avoid archaeic spellings too.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One word- sentences? Eliminate. Always!

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice should not be used.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors — even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.

Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.

Never use a big word where a diminutive alternative would suffice.

Subject and verb always has to agree.

Be more or less specific.

Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.

Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errers.

Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.

Don’t be redundant.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Don’t never use no double negatives.

Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Eschew obfuscation.

No sentence fragments.

Don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

And always be sure to finish what

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How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

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Author Unknown

For your new first name:

1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name

2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name.

For your new last name:

3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name

4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

How to determine your Star Wars honorific title:

1. Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them

2. Add the first three letters of the make or model of the your first car

3. Insert the word "of"

4. Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

This would make me:

Stemi Grdes, trafox of Claritin

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English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

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Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

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Author Unknown

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper."

9. "One-a-day, like iron."

8. "Get a piece of the rock."

7. "You’ve come a long way, baby."

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em."

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

4. "Tastes great, more filling."

3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

2. "Here’s the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her!

Some honorable mentions:

"We work harder, so you don’t have to."

"Ten inches long… and growing."

"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."

"Viagra, home of the whopper."

"Viagra, now is a great time to be silver."

"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

"Give her a BIG surprise tonight!"

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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Author Unknown

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Rats! There go the lights again…

Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hey, the guy’s got two of ’em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

What’s this doing here?

I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

That’s cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

What do mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Uh oh! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

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Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It’s Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.

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Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

Author Unknown

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock — Paul Simon

Suddenly — B. Ocean

A Hard Days Night — The Beatles

Please Mr. Postman

Can’t Buy Me Love (Now you can. — The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time — Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love — The Bee Gees

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Let Your Love Flow — L. E. Williams

Longer — Dan Fogelberg

No Ordinary Love — Sade

Help Me Make It Through the Night

Love Takes Time (about an hour wait – according to Pfizer) — Mariah Carey

The Power of Love — Celine Dion

The Things We Do For Love — 10CC

We’ve Only Just Begun — Paul Williams

Have You Never Been Mello — Kris Kristofferson

Girls Just Want To Have Fun — Cindy Lauper

When I’m 64 — The Beatles

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Viagra Causes Panic

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WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

  • In Boise, a passenger plane skidded off the runway after the pilot’s erection inadvertently hit the button that causes the landing gear to retract.
  • In San Bernardino County, outside of Los Angeles, a 17-car pileup occurred when trucker Dirk Diggler apparently lost control of his rig, blocking his vision and causing him to also lose control of his truck.

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, "There’s no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton’s, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake."

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