Jokes

Who Should Be The Manager

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Author Unknown

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".

The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".

The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".

And so it went on – the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.

Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.

The moral of this story is: "You don’t have to be a brain to be a manager – just an asshole!"

Continue ReadingWho Should Be The Manager

12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Author Unknown

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. ( Or psycho in some of our cases…)
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator (Substitute vehicle here.. ).
  12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Continue Reading12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Business Horoscopes

author unknown

What your business degree really says about you…

MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that "Geeks shall inherit the Earth."

ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your"carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above – Same sign, different title.)

CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing Your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term "GO POSTAL."

Continue ReadingBusiness Horoscopes

Computer Definitions

Author Unknown

404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or workgroup. "Ask Mark, he’s the alpha geek."

Betamaxed:
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blowing Your Buffer:
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Bookmark:
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

CGI Joe:
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the societal skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chip Jewelry:
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 6100/66, and now it’s nothing by chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa:
Chips=3D hardware, salsa=3D software, i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa."

Cobweb Site:
A Web site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Crapplet:
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!"

Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…"

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Dropped carrier:
Losing contact/ignoring a person. Example: "I think you’re a doofus!" "That’s okay, I dropped your carrier hours ago!"

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.")

Ego Surfing:
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

G3:
Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Graybar Land:
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

I/O Error
Ignorant Operator. Used by tech support in attributing problems not necessarily caused by the computer. Takeoff on Input/Output error.

It’s a Feature:
From the adage "It’s not a bug, it’s a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

JIP (Jargon Interface Protocol): When someone knows the technical meaning of acronyms such as http, tcp/ip, csu/dsu, etc. Example: They’re plugged into the JIP.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Legacy Media:
The traditional media, such as radio and television, but particularly newspapers. Term can describe Web sites that conform to traditional newspaper standards.

Link Rot:
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as they sites they’re connected to change location or die.

Meatspace:
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL."

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Mouse Potato:
The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Nyetscape:
Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

Plug and Play:
A new hire who doesn’t need any training. "The new guy John is great. He’s totally plug-and-play."

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Silliwood:
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers, also "hollywired."

Square headed boy/girlfriend:
Your computer.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can’t afford.

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Treeware:
Manuals and documentation.

Under Mouse Arrest:
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

World-Wide Wait:
The real meaning of WWW.

Continue ReadingComputer Definitions

My Family Christmas Letter – 1999

My cousin Sarah wrote her family’s Christmas letter this year, which I just got in the mail. If I’d written the Christmas letter for my family, it probably would have gone something like this:

This year was pretty amazing for the Mineart family — no one flunked out of school, or got thrown in jail, divorced or held up at gunpoint. Stacy found a dead guy on her doorstep one morning when leaving for school, but it turned out he was a resident in her building and he just died of old age, so it was all okay.

In addition, practically everyone in the family who isn’t already married got engaged in the past year, which just goes to prove two things: we can be a charming bunch when we have to be, and there’s a sucker born every minute.

No one went broke this year, and as usual, Dad made a big pile of cash, but there’s nothing new about that. He bought ANOTHER Corvette, which I think is just about enough for any one guy. I mean really, you can only drive one car at a time. (Kidding, Dad.) Stacy and Scott both finally graduated from college, and Riley went to kindergarten that was set up by Ivy Kids Franchise, which means, folks, that we are getting OLD.

Mom got a big dog and an invisible fence, and Todd and Denise got a second cat. My fish died.

I think Dad and Carol went to Australia, because I got this cool aboriginal art thingy for Christmas, and all the boys got boomerangs. I’ll bet it was a swell trip.

Stacy went to England for about the bajillionth time, but this time is different because she actually conned them into letting her stay there permanently by getting engaged to Roger. Those English don’t know what they’re in for. Then Stacy ruined the whole thing by actually giving us her address and telephone number, which means we can go over and visit her, which defeats the purpose of her leaving the country to get the heck away from us.

My only trip this year was to Chicago, but I had fun and I did get to see all those cows on the Miracle Mile.

Paul ran in the mini-marathon, and Gary’s still swimming. I actually played volleyball all summer. Seriously, I did.

I worked on my webpage constantly, but Scott hasn’t touched his in ages, and I’m thinking of turning it in to the “Cobweb Sites of the Month” website and see if it wins an award. Dude, get to work.

Nobody was in any musicals or anything, but that’s probably good, because I’m the only one who can carry a tune, and that’s after years of practice.

Continue ReadingMy Family Christmas Letter – 1999

Florida Kicked Out of United States

Author Unknown

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming.

"We’re all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

>From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn f***ing English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy. "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they’re on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink. Blue hair F***ers."

Continue ReadingFlorida Kicked Out of United States

The X (mas) Files

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Author Unknown

Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings
hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone’s been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here — its fruitcake.

Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It’s O.K. there’s a note attached: "Gonna find out who’s naughty and
nice."

Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter
solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers
and punish its disbeliveers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that’s legend, Mulder – a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely, you don’t believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely
drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were
locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the
roof and came down the chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home
was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics.
You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and
brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll
close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you’re
awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys
in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from
the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. No one, not even the zookeeper, was told about
it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing were proved to exist, then
the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy.
Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature
lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another
silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I —

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . .a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter.

Continue ReadingThe X (mas) Files

New Y2K Software

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Author Unknown

This memo is to announce the development of a new database software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Continue ReadingNew Y2K Software

Solving The Y0K Problem

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Author Unknown

While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3 — about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows:

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last Minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind….

As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem.

I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

Continue ReadingSolving The Y0K Problem

How To Solve The Y2K Problem

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Author Unknown

The Corporate Office has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Continue ReadingHow To Solve The Y2K Problem