Jokes

A Halloween Story

A Halloween Story

Author Unknown

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP… behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

faster…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP….

 

 

 

 

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP…

 

 

 

 

 

on the heels of the terrified man….

 

 

 

 

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

 

 

 

 

 

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

 

 

 

 

 

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything… his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

 

 

 

 

 

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition…….

 

 

 

 

 

and………..

 

 

 

 

 

…………………….the coffin stops.

Continue ReadingA Halloween Story

Bad Halloween Jokes

Author Unknown

Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What’s a monster’s favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What’s a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you’re in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What’s pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What’s the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person’s corn
flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they’d be M&M’s

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It’s good for the bones

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula’s terror-tory

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o- lantern by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Continue ReadingBad Halloween Jokes

eBay: Unfortunate Leather Pants

Check out this eBay entry from a guy selling leather pants; it’s hilarious:

You are bidding on a mistake.

We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of the wrong people.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

  • I am not a member of Queen.
  • I do not like motorcycles.
  • I am not Rod Stewart.
  • I am not French.
  • I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown – perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate – I shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Please buy these leather pants.

There is more to the entry, including a Q & A session worth reading for the humor.

And if you really want to get into the eBay spirit, here’s a bunch of stuff I’m selling on eBay for my mom. You’ve always wanted a beer stein, haven’t you? Come on, you know you do.

Stuff we don't own anymore
Continue ReadingeBay: Unfortunate Leather Pants

100+ Funny British Place Names

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  • Post category:Funny Lists

April 26, 2013 update from Steph: Updated this page to add links to as many of the towns and streets as I could find in google maps. I originally added this list to my site on September 26, 2005, but I never verified whether the names were real places or not, until someone asked in comments. As far as I can tell, none of the thousand other sites that have this same list did either. It turned out that most of the names are of streets, rather than towns, so I updated the title of the page. If you have any names to add this list, feel free to contact me.


View Funny British Place Names in a larger map

Percy's Passage, London
Percy’s Passage, London
  1. Jeffries Passage, Surrey
  2. Prince Albert Court, Surrey
  3. Nork Rise, Surrey, United Kingdom. There is also a Nork Way, Banstead, UK and Nork Park, Banstead, United Kingdom. All in the same little area. Street and park names.
  4. Brown Willy, Cornwall – Cornwall’s highest point!
  5. Great Tosson, Northumberland
  6. Trump Street, London
  7. St. Mellons, Cardiff
  8. Percy Passage, London – This one was hard to track down – you basically have to use Google Street View because Google Maps doesn’t note this as an actually street. Do look around, because this is a cool little place. It’s a street that goes through buildings and then winds around in alleys. Londonist put together a helpful map of all of London’s Back Passages.
  9. Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
  10. Nether Wallop, Hampshire
  11. Honeypot Lane, Husbands Bosworth, Leicestershire, United Kingdom
  12. Mudchute, London – this is an London Underground Station
  13. Juggs Close, East Sussex
  14. Cockermouth Green, Newcastle – I can find a Cockermouth Road, Sunderland, United Kingdom
  15. Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
  16. Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk – This is in Long Melford.
  17. Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
  18. Titlington Mount, Northumberland – The town of Titlington exists in Northumberland.
  19. Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
  20. Hooker Road, Norwich Also, Hooker Street, Northwich, United Kingdom
  21. Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
  22. Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
  23. Ugley, Essex
  24. Pratts Bottom, Greater London
  25. Ramsbottom Lane, Ramsbottom, Greater Manchester, United Kingdom
  26. Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
  27. Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
  28. Upper Dicker, East Sussex
  29. Swell, Somerset
  30. Bladda Lane, Paisley, United Kingdom
  31. Snatchup, Hertfordshire
  32. Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
  33. Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
  34. Pump Alley, Middlesex
  35. Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
  36. Long Lover Lane, Halifax
  37. East Breast, Inverclyde
  38. Norfolk Broads, Dicks Mount, United Kingdom
  39. Staines, Surrey
  40. Crapstone, Devon
  41. Three Cocks, Powys
  42. Feltwell, Norfolk
  43. Pant, Shropshire
  44. Balls Cross, West Sussex
  45. Ogle Close, Merseyside
  46. Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
  47. North Piddle, Worcestershire
  48. Mincing Lane, London
  49. Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
  50. Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
  51. Winkle Street, Southampton
  52. Wham Bottom Lane, Rochdale, United Kingdom
  53. Upperthong, West Yorkshire, United Kingdom
  54. Tosside, Lancashire
  55. The Furry, Cornwall
  56. Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
  57. Lickers Lane, Merseyside
  58. Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
  59. Boghead, Ayrshire
  60. The Bush, Buckinghamshire
  61. Hill o’Many Stanes, Scotland – This is an historic site. More than 22 rows of low slabs arranged in a slightly fan-shaped pattern, which may have been a prehistoric astronomical observatory.
  62. Grope Lane, Shropshire – there is a Gropers Lane, Ipplepen, United Kingdom
  63. Willey, Warwickshire
  64. Happy Bottom, Dorset – This one exists, but was hard to find. Google Maps didn’t show it until I found an address with a postal code on this street elsewhere, then searched the address.
  65. Feltham Close, Hampshire
  66. The Knob, Oxfordshire – not finding this. Knob Hall Lane, Southport, United Kingdom, and other Knobs exist.
  67. Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
  68. Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
  69. Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
  70. Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
  71. Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
  72. Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
  73. Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
  74. Pork Lane, Essex
  75. Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
  76. Wetwang, East Yorkshire
  77. Scratchy Bottom, Dorset – This exists, all though it’s hard to find on maps. The link is to the wikipedia page. The location is a valley between Durdle Door and Swyre Head in Dorset, England. Also “Durdle Door”? Wow.
  78. Swallow Passage, London – like Percy’s passage, Swallow Passage is an alley that passes under buildings, and isn’t marked by name on Google Maps. You have to use street view to find it.
  79. Lickey End, Worcestershire
  80. Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
  81. Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
  82. Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
  83. Lickfold, West Sussex
  84. Dick Court, Lanarkshire
  85. Beaver Close, Surrey – there are a number of streets named “Beaver Close” throughout the UK. Must have a lot of beavers nearby.
  86. Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
  87. Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
  88. Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire – Inching in?
  89. Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
  90. Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire – Saltergate, Hole of Horcum
  91. Slag Lane, Merseyside
  92. Shitterton, Dorset
  93. Back Passage, London – Another one of those London alleyways that doesn’t pop up on google maps. The famous “Ye Old Cheshire Cheese Shop” is located on this passage just off of Fleet Street.
  94. Fingringhoe, Essex
  95. Muff, Northern Ireland – Northern Ireland isn’t in Britain, obviously.
  96. Sandy Balls, Hampshire
  97. Twatt, Orkney Unlike many of these, Twatt is actually a town.
  98. Bell End, Wollaston – I’m not sure why Bell End is funny. Urban Dictionary: Bell End. Nevermind, I get it.
  99. Minge Lane, Worcestershire
  100. Cocks, Cornwall – There is a Cock’s Hill, Cornwall, and a Cock’s Lake Lane, Cornwall.

There. Aren’t you happy that I’ve taken a survey of all the Cocks, Tits, Snatches, Mounds, Swells and Scratchy Bottoms in the United Kingdom so you don’t have to? List inspired by and contributed to from Rude Britain.

Other funny or unusual British towns and place names

While I was hunting down the above place names, I discovered others that were funny or interesting.

Continue Reading100+ Funny British Place Names

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

  1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
  2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
  3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
  4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
  5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
  6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
  7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
  8. One to viciously smear #7;
  9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
  10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Continue ReadingHow many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Fun Things To Do Anywhere

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…"

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Check out a novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do Anywhere

The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

Artery – The study of paintings.

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.

Barium – What doctors do when patients die.

Benign – What you be after you be eight.

Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan – Searching for kitty.

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.

Colic – A sheep dog.

Coma – A punctuation mark.

D & C – Where Washington is.

Dilate – To live long.

Enema – Not a friend.

Fester – Quicker than someone else.

Fibula – A small lie.

Genital – Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series – World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail – What you hang your coat on.

Impotent – Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.

Node – I knew it.

Outpatient – A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear – A fatherhood test.

Pelvis – .Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative – A letter carrier.

Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.

Rectum – Damn near killed him.

Secretion – Hiding something.

Seizure – Roman emperor.

Tablet – A small table.

Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor – More than one.

Urine – Opposite of you’re out.

Varicose – Near by/close by.

Continue ReadingThe Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

How to Sing the Blues

A Primer For Beginners

Author Unknown

1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman – with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs ’bout 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bed

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. K mart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons

12. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

Continue ReadingHow to Sing the Blues

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

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  • Post category:Funny Lists

Author Unknown

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

Continue ReadingThe Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Computer One-Liners

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  • Post category:One-Liners

Author Unknown

Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen?

Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something

Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes

Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of rules and no mercy

Computers eat time — We only THINK they run on electricity

Et verbum custodiat tibi vobiscum sicut erat in Principio! (May your data be restored to its original pristine condition)

Give generously – Help support the victims of computer error

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it’s software.

Has any of this time-saving technology ever let you go home one minute early?

Hit any key. With what?

Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant.

I’ve got a life but it won’t run on my operating system.

I keep hitting the escape key but I’m still here.

If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Insert disk 5 of 4 to continue

Press any key. NO! NO! Not that one!

System Implementation. 94% sweat, 6% fear

Tech Support is just a busy signal away

The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.

There are now five canonical forms of the lie: commission, omission, statistics, graphs, and the Internet

THIS WILL END YOUR WINDOWS SESSION – I live for those six words

To continue, strike keyboard with forehead

Unlike the 50 million copies we’ve already sold you, this version actually works!

When all else failed, let a = 7. If that doesn’t work, read the manual.

Where’s the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?

You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting

You know better then to trust a strange computer.

Continue ReadingComputer One-Liners