1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine.
4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
7. If there’s more than one, ALL of them are mine.
8. If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
9. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
10. If it’s boring or doesn’t taste good, IT’S YOURS!!
My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a “shedding machine;” she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile;” she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination, the food dish.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. Or, you could read this article to learn more about bathroom services.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human’s lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn’t move around too much.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests.
Answer the following questions to determine if your cat has psychological problems that require treatment by a professional therapist.
Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
Does your cat tear down holiday decorations?
Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition?
Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property?
Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
I found this, and must repeat it on my site:
TOP *THIRTEEN* WILLOW/TARA EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX
13. Searching the Nether Realms
12. Practicing Dianic rituals
11. Not driving stick
10. Working as a “single delicate implement”
9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine
8. Doing the “Wiccan Wiggle”
7. Riding the broomstick
6. Plucking the petals
5. Reaching consensus
4. Worshipping Thespia
3. Baking an empowering bundt cake
2. Eating an empowering bundt cake
1. One word – Spellcasting!
General Motors doesn’t have a "help line" for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did?
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What’s an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’."
HELPLINE: "You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.
HELPLINE: "A ‘V’?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …"
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy– Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What’s wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that’s what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did –now the damn thing’s crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Home is where you hang your @
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
FAX is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
In Gates we trust.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There’s no place like <http://www.home.com/>
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t
bother you for weeks.
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little "M"’s on them.
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Active Socially:
Drinks heavily.
Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.
Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.
Average:
Not too bright.
Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Competent:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious And Careful:
Scared.
Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.
Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.
Deserves Promotion:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
Enjoys Job:
Needs more to do.
Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.
Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
A coward.
Happy:
Paid too much.
Hard Worker:
Usually does it the hard way.
Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.
Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement Is Usually Sound:
Lucky.
A Keen Analyst:
Thoroughly confused.
Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains Professional Attitude:
A snob.
Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
A nitpicker.
Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.
Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.
Quick Thinking:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.
Should Go Far:
Please.
Slightly Below Average:
Stupid.
Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.
Stern Disciplinarian:
A real jerk.
Strong Adherence To Principles:
Stubborn.
Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes Pride In Work:
Conceited.
Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.
Unlimited Potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses Resources Well:
Delegates everything.
Uses Time Effectively:
Clock watcher.
Very Creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Well Organized:
Does too much busywork.
Will Go Far:
Relative of management.
Zealous Attitude:
Opinionated.