Current Events

WASHINGTON – Congress today ratified the 28th amendment to the United States Constitution, which formally defined marriage in the United States as “a union of a man and a woman, or two hot women.”
Conservatives are hailing this move a great victory for the preservation of traditional marriage values. Said Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania), “The attempts of gays to subvert the definition of marriage is nothing less than an outright attack on one of our most precious institutions. If two men to to be able to marry, it would undermine one of civilizations most fundamental truths. Two women, however, would be pretty hot.”
Added Santorum, “I mean, can you imagine two fine blonde chicks with big racks goin’ at it on their wedding night, with both of them wearing the shreds of their bridal gowns? How fucking hot would that be?”

According to persistent rumors, President Bush is planning to accept the Republican nomination for president at Ground Zero in New York, during the Republican Convention this fall.

Henry Bunting, a former procurement specialist for the giant, White House-connected company, charges that it failed to seek out competitive bids — enriching itself and costing taxpayers tens of millions of dollars extra.

I must be psychic, because Bush is on TV announcing his support for the Constitutional Amendment to Ban Equal Marriage Rights right now.
If you vote Republican this election, you will no longer be a part of my life. I’m not kidding; if you truly don’t believe I should be able to get married, then you’re a toxic person, and my life is difficult enough without you contributing such a hostile and vicious belief into it.

I’ve never been a single issue voter. I’ve always been a democrat, but I don’t pick candidates based on particular issues; rather on their whole record on a variety of subjects, from the environment, to taxes, to foreign policy, to education, to gay civil rights, to corporate responsibility.
That’s changing with this election. Because the Equal Marriage Rights issue is becoming a defining issue of this campaign, and it’s becoming a defining issue for me. It’s becoming clear that a constitutional amendment banning me from getting married is a serious possibility, and frankly, something that directly affects me so directly, personally, and deeply is something that gets priority.
I never imagined that I would be able to get legally married in my lifetime. That’s always been a pipe dream for me; something I thought I should fight for for the sake of my children, but something I never thought I’d have the opportunity to achieve. Strangely, that seems to be something within reach now. And something in serious danger.
Quite simply, voting for Bush and for Republicans who will push through an amendment is a vote against me being able to get married. To my family and friends — of course it’s your decision who you vote for. But your vote will directly affect me in a way it will probably never affect you. And if you love me, you’ll think about that when you vote this fall. Because I will certainly be thinking about that, and about our relationship, when you go in to vote.