Excuse me, did you just call Lily Tomlin a Cunt?
David O. Russell makes it onto my list of people I’ll kick in the shins if I ever meet them:
Hat tip: Dorothy Snarker, and a couple other blogs I can’t remember.
Have I mentioned that I’m the preeminent Proust scholar in America?
For a friend’s birthday last night, we went to see Little Miss Sunshine, which I really enjoyed. I think the Entertainment Weekly review was pretty crappy for it, but everyone who saw it seemed to say it was enjoyable, and I agreed. I think my very favorite crappy review is this amateur movie critic blogger review, though.
Steve Carrell is not a convicing suicide or Proust scholar. We’ve seen manic comedians play restraint. When Robin Williams did it in One Hour Photo it was all kinds of creepy. Carrell’s conversion to living seems to happen and unhappen as the plot needs it. As for his being a Proust scholar, apparently we are meant to be convinced by his yelling, “I’m a pre-eminent Proust scholar!” every time he pushes the van. You know in your heart that he’s a Proust scholar because a) it’s quirky and b) it lets him give that speech at the end.
What more does one have to do, exactly, to be a “convincing” Proust Scholar? Whip out the book and quote it? Carrying around all seven volumes would really drag down the action.
At the point where they start to hand grandpa’s body out the window, it struck me that there were some parallels to As I Lay Dying, but I’m not sure if that was intentional. Stephanie and I were discussing later the woman who played Pagent Official Jenkins — Beth Grant — we wondered what we’d seen her in before. She seems to be a very busy actress. I remember her from Six Feet Under and CSI, and also Donnie Darko.
10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood
1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.
2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.
3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?
4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.
5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.
6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.
7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.
8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.
9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “love jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.
10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly. Yet, in this digital age, there’s a new avenue for connection that might just offer a refreshing perspective on romance and relationships: OnlyFans. You may also meet with Istanbul escorts to find attractive ladies you can date.
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An Inconvenient Truth
We went to see “An Inconvenient Truth” over the weekend.
You really want to see this movie. You may not know that you want to, but you do. You may be on the fence about the issue, or afraid that it’s boring, or unconcerned. You may think you disagree with the movie. Trust me. You want to see it. You’ll be very glad you did. You’ll agree with me when you leave the theater, and say “She’s right, I did want to see that movie.” I promise. You won’t be bored. You’ll be entertained. You’ll be enlightened. You’ll be inspired. You’ll thank me. Please just indulge me. Give it a shot.
If it isn’t in theaters after this weekend in Indianapolis (we saw it at Landmark, where it’s playing at least until Thursday) then please throw the DVD on your Amazon Wishlist, or into your Netflix queue. Or let me know, and when I get the DVD, I’ll have everyone over to watch.
We knew the basics of the movie before we went, but seeing the information spelled out in charts and graphs is really compelling. And seeing the photographs (2, 3) of the way the earth has changed in the last thirty years is astonishing. We went and bought the book after we saw the movie, because I wanted the charts…
One of the things I didn’t expect was a list of realistic changes that we can make to solve the problem. I’d shifted directly into despair mode that this is an unfixable problem, or that the changes we need to make are so radical that only hemp-wearing hippie nuts would tackle them. That’s really not the case at all.
Here’s one of my favorite parts of the movie… Regarding the argument that combatting global warming will destroy the economy, Gore displays the image below, which comes from a Bush Administration presentation on “global stewardship” and is a call to balance economic concerns with concerns about the environment. The image displays the absurdity of the argument.
Gore says in response to the image, “OK, on one side we have gold bars,” he says. “Mmm, mmm, don’t they look good!”
“And on the other side, THE ENTIRE PLANET!”
The point of course, being that without the planet, where would we keep our delicious gold bars?
Movie Quotes Meme
Grabbed this meme from a variety of places, including X-Tra Rant, Torpor Indy, Radical Druid, Legal Quandary, etc.
Here are the rules:
A. Pick 11 of your favorite movies.
B. Then pick one of your favorite quotes from each movie.
C. Post the quotes in your journal.
D. Have those on your friends list guess what the movie is.
E. Either strike out the quote once it has been correctly identified or place the guesser’s user name directly after the quote.
F. Extra points for knowing the actor or character’s name.
1. “I just love books. They’re so decorative.”
(Auntie Mame. Rachel got the movie, but no extra points.)
2. It’s just, when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that’s it. That’s the last sofa I’m gonna need. Whatever else happens, I’ve got that sofa problem handled.
(Fight Club, Narrator/Edward Norton. Dustin, +1)
3. It should take you exactly four seconds to cross from here to that door. I’ll give you two.
(Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly Golightly/Audrey Hepburn. Torpor Indy, +1)
4. You know how someone’s appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don’t like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed… that you wouldn’t look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.
(The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Brian/Ben Chaplin. Lori, +1. )
5. We’ve become a race of Peeping Toms. What people ought to do is get outside their own house and look in for a change. Yes sir. How’s that for a bit of homespun philosophy?
(Rear Window, Stella/Thelma Ritter. No one got this.)
6. I don’t like Visigoths. Tomorrow, we’ll get sign: “No Spiders or Visigoths Allowed.”
(Life is Beautiful, Guido Orefice/Roberto Benigni. No one got this.)
7. When a woman’s got a husband, and you’ve got none, why should she take advice from you? Even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare and all them other high-falutin’ Greeks.
(The Music Man, Mrs. Paroo/Pert Kelton. Kellie, +1)
8. Up until now everything around here has been, well, pleasant. Recently certain things have become unpleasant. Now, it seems to me that the first thing we have to do is to separate out the things that are pleasant from the things that are unpleasant.
(Pleasantville, Big Bob/J.T. Walsh. Jason +1.)
9. I have reached the end of your book and… there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I’m afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I’m afraid that you’ll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.
(Donnie Darko, Donnie/Jake Gyllenhaal. Stallio!, +1)
10. All these neat, little houses and all these nice, little streets… It’s hard to believe that something’s wrong with some of those little houses.
(All the President’s Men, Carl Bernstein, Dustin Hoffman. Dustin, +1)
11. I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with! (This ones a gimme, because I’m nice like that.)
(The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy/Judy Garland. Rachel +1)
Brokeback Mountain
I’ve been biting my tongue listening to all the hype surrounding Brokeback Mountain, both before and after the Oscars, and reading what people, both gay and straight, had to say in movie reviews and on various blogs. Now that Annie Proulx has had her say, I feel a little less constrained about unleashing the hounds. So here are some random thoughts I have about our society’s reaction to Brokeback Mountain:
I find it annoying and more than a little condecending that straight people can watch a two hour movie and presume to understand and empathize with a struggle that I’ve engaged in for more than 37 years.
I’m quietly infuriated when people say they see in Brokeback Mountain “not two men in love, but the universal story of love” or something similar, or when they describe Ennis and Jack’s relationship as another example of a “universal forbidden love story that we all can related to.” Don’t get me wrong; I’m thrilled that straight people finally understand what we feel is real live love like theirs. (Although one would think that a three-year-old could have grasped that long ago, and that it shouldn’t have required a movie like this one).
But it means they’ve missed the entire and complete point of the movie — our love is not like everyone else’s love – our pain is different, and so is our triumph when we succeed. Equating gay relationships to to other forbidden loves (like bi-racial marriages in the sixties) is not an equal comparison. I’m struggling with explaining an intangible quality about gay relationships — but the best description I can give is that within our relationships, we are not complementary to each other, but reflective of each other. That intangible quality is what is so unique (in an overwhelming and often frightening way), and so real, about our relationships, and what is captured so extraordinarily in the film. It comes out best in the confrontation scene near the end of the movie, the one that was so overshadowed by the heavy “I wish I could quit you!” line that so swamps the boat and makes people forget what that scene was really about. It was that line where Ennis asks, or tries to ask, whether Jack ever feels what he does — that sense that everyone can see through him and see who he is. That is what makes this story of lost love different than everyone elses.
Really, How Hard Is Pimping?
I think need to watch the movie Hustle and Flow, because there must be something about this pimping business that I’m missing. ‘Cause now that it won an Oscar, I keep hearing the song “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and I’m wondering what’s so difficult about it.
See, because my understanding of the pimping profession is this: you get some women. You send them out to have sex. They do all the work. When they come back, you smack them around until they give you all the money. Lather, rinse, repeat. Occasionally, if they don’t give you the money, you get your ho hooked on crack, so they have to keep coming back to you, until eventually they die. Lather, rinse, repeat. Then you put some rims on your car, and get a fuzzy hat. That’s pretty much what I took away from that documentary they did a few years back called “American Pimp.”
What’s hard about that? Maybe it’s tiring being a souless, evil, morally bankrupt waste of space who should have been aborted before birth — but really that just puts you in the same class at George Bush and Pat Robertson, and they seem to get up in the morning just fine.
I can see if someone wrote a song about “It’s Hard Out Here for the Hos.” ‘Cause that is hard. You go out and have sex with skanky, ugly men, get money, go home, get smacked around, get your money taken, find out you have a STD, have sex with more men, get knocked up, have your kids taken away because you’re out having sex with men, get addicted to crack, and eventually die of AIDS. That’s hard. Why not write a rap song about that?
Star Wars… Pants?
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words.
We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many Bobans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.
TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke… Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
Luke…..I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!
Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
More Things I Learned From The Movies
Signals
If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.
A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
Things I Learned From Movies
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
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