Books

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats–approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
— Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman

Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.
— Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance 44.

It’s like being ‘Xena, Warrior Princess.’
— Madeleine Albright, giving her stock response when asked what it’s like to be a female secretary of state

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
— Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
— Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry

You mean we’re not gonna score? We came all this way and we’re not gonna score? It’s not fair; we never score. I’ll bet this old dude scored, like, a million times. But we never score.
— Beavis, from Beavis and Butthead Do America

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
— Yogi Berra

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown

“I know you feel betrayed.”
“Well, yes, that is one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.”
— from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Oz: Oh look! Monkey. And he has a little hat… and little pants.
Willow: Yeah, I see.
Oz: The monkey’s the only cookie animal that gets to wears clothes. You know that?
Oz: You have the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.
Oz: So I’m wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like is the hippo going, “Hey, man. Where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity.” And you know the monkey’s just, [french accent] “I mock you with my monkey pants!” And then there’s a big coup in the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn’t know that?
Willow: No.
L’hippo a pique’ ses pantalons. (Translation: The hippo stole his pants.)

Delta: It always helps if you wear a tiara.
Rosie: While shellacing?
Delta: While doing anything.
— Delta Burke, On the Rosie O’Donnell Show

[upon discovering their TV has been stolen} This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before.
— Butthead, from Beavis and Butthead Do America

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin

I’ve always enjoyed being told what to think. Of course I do the opposite of whatever is requested of me, but I find the attempted intrusion flirtatious.
— Lisa Carver

I like sweet little soft bunnies for girls, kind of dumb, giggly. Maybe a little drunk. Girls who smell good and do what I say.
— Lisa Carver

Caught masturbating on my wedding day — how low class!
— Lisa Carver

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali

Oh, well, that’s the Lord’s Work. Name-calling.
— Ellen Degeneres, On being told that Jerry Falwell referred to her as Ellen Degenerate

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

I promise the next time we get attacked by monkeys on an escalator, I will save you.
— Ben from Felicity

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm

Oh my God, I’m my father! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother that I didn’t see this coming.
— Rachel from Friends

There’s only one thing better than getting what you want, and that’s getting what you want and pissing someone else off at the same time.
— Bender on Futurama

The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
— Bill Gates from The Road Ahead, p. 265.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones

Man’s greatest joy is to slay his enemy, plunder his riches, ride his steeds, see the tears of his loved ones and embrace his women.
— Genghis Khan

Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
— Kermit the Frog

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers–and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
— Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

The O.J. Simpson (Civil Trial) Jury has the chance to send a clear message to the world, which is, ‘If you kill someone in L.A., you’re looking at a very stiff fine.’
— Bill Mauher

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
— Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python

You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy

Son, you don’t have bad luck. Bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.
— That 70’s Show

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain

When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven’t tried before.
— Mae West

If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.
— Old Yiddish proverb

G: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
EB: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4