Darwin Awards 1996
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
Three Men and the Cannibal
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
The $5,000 Loan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Couple On A Train
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married."
"Why not?" laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Sex Education
A High School teacher was giving his class a difficult assignment, he stressed the importance of this particular assignment. He said that no excuses would be accepted, unless there was an illness-with a doctor’s note; or a death in the family-with a death certificate. One of his smart-ass students pipes up, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?” The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds “Well, I guess in that event, You’ll have to figure out how to write your assignment with your other hand.”
In a Sex Ed. lecture at Northern Arizona University, the professor was explaining that most of the makeup of sperm was basically Glucose (sugar). Almost as soon as the professor mentioned this fact, a female voice piped up from the back of the lecture hall “Well if it’s mostly sugar, how come it always tastes so salty?”
“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
When it comes to sexual health, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. That’s why it’s so important to make sure that you’re doing everything you can to stay healthy and safe. If you’re looking to add some spice and excitement to your life, click here for nude live. For those looking for someone to date, check out the Lovesita Paris website.
Jack and Bob
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?????
Nun’s Tale
A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.
She says, "What is it my son?"
The cabbie replies, "Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister."
She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I’ve been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."
The cabbie says, "Well, I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I’m sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."
"That’s OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."
The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.
As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.
She says, "What’s wrong, my son?"
He says, "Sister, I lied. I’m Jewish and I’m married!"
She says, "That’s okay. My name’s Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!"
You Know You’re a Queen if:
- If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know how to spell Barbra’s first name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If someone says "How ’bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
- If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s,
then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen. - If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
- If you’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn’t match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
- If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
- If you’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
- If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you’re a Queen. - If you’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you’re a sick Queen.
- If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- If you’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
- Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe
YES ANSWERS:
Over 40 – Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 – Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 – Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 – Nathan Lane!
Under 24 – Honey, you’re not hanging out with the right people!
Three Wishes
One day in the great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance, today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner, and they passed by the frog.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes… Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.
The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay…"
The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky
Tinky Winky, gay? Au contraire. As any person of faith who has ever watched Teletubbies understands, Tinky Winky is actually a powerful symbol of God’s word made flesh. Or rather, plush.
First of all, Tinky Winky is purple, the color of royalty and the ancient priesthood. As it is written in The Song of Songs, "Thine head upon thee [is] like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king [is] held in the galleries." Unlike pink and lavender, purple is a noble hue. While The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and the National Organization of Women have attempted to co-opt it, its history as the color of kings and priests cannot be erased. Tinky Winky’s fur is thus meant to remind us of the presence of the divine in our lives.
The triangular antenna on Tinky Winky’s head represents the three sides of the Holy Trinity: Abba, Christ, and Holy Spirit. The intent is clearly to tell us to tune our own spiritual antenna to God, to "be attuned" to God’s teachings. As for Tinky Winky’s purse, or "magic bag," this feminine attribute is obviously meant to hearken back to King David, who also carried a little bag. As is written in 1 Samuel 17:40, "Then he [David] took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag." From this bag came the stone that killed Goliath. Who knows what heroic tools will come from the bag of Tinky Winky? The show has been on the air for less than a year.
The similarities between David and Tinky Winky go further. David carried his lyre, a stringed harp-like girlie instrument, constantly, and like Tinky Winky, he was constantly singing little songs. "This is my only request," he sang, "To dwell in the House of YHWH all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Godde and to be like a visitor in Godde’s sanctuary." Tinky Winky, meanwhile, sings, "Pinkle Winkle, Tinky Winky" and dwells in the Tubbytronic Superdome. I think the parallels are obvious.
I acknowledge one problematic element to this Teletubby-Davidian reading. David’s relationship with his friend Jonathan was far, far closer than that of Tinky Winky and Dipsy, the only other male Teletubby. David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (1 Samuel 18:3-4) "…And they kissed one another and wept with one another, until David exceeded" (1 Samuel 20:41). As we all know, Tinky Winky is only casually friendly with Dipsy; he reserves his greatest affection for Po, the daintiest, highest-voiced, femme-iest Teletubby. Future scholars will, we hope, work through this discrepancy.
Scholars believe that from the seed of David will come the Messiah. (The Messiah is not to be confused with the Antichrist — also a descendant of David — a Jewish man who is probably alive today, according to Falwell. In fact, he is probably Adam Sandler.) It is to be trusted that similar greatness will spring from the fluffy loins of Tinky Winky. A close analysis of Tinky Winky’s activities — eating Tubby Custard, jumping, dancing happy dances, chasing balloons, making kites, demanding hugs, and consorting with the Noo Noo (a vacuum cleaner) — has much to reveal about us, our values, and our relationship to popular culture.