"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
Snopes.com goes over this list and helps understand how some of these are merely coincidences, and some are incorrect.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn’t really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck."
Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).
Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).
Found–the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).
Water into wine–ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).
I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).
Half-dead cat found in box–RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).
To help you decide, here is a list of the ways professors in different departments grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
Never squat with yer spurs on.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew… your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence… try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along… and shot him. The moral: "When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut ".
If you find yourself in a hole, the first think to do is stop diggin’.
Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on “just in case it’s true”. Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that “we checked it out and it’s legit”, does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice with their kidneys missing, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/robbery/kidney.asp
And I quote: “The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have.” That’s “none” as in “zero”. Not even your friend’s cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn’t really sell a $250 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don’t, you can get a copy at:
http://www.snopes.com/business/consumer/cookie.asp
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. You can also make cookies showing how to comfort someone who failed a test which is also one of the best ways to support and uplift your friend.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an anonymous AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no “Good Times” virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually works on combatting viruses. And even then, don’t forward it. We don’t care.
7. If you’re using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the “HTML encoding.” Those of us on Unix shells can’t read it, and don’t care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you’re probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. Optimize your daily email routine and monitor the performance using email software.
8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who’s received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn’t hurt to get rid of all the that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times – We’ve probably already seen it.
9. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a “little boy” either.
10. The telephone company does not check your phone line by calling you and asking you to dial 90#. Criminals cannot “get access to your long distance account” by doing this either. Even if someone asks, and you do it, nothing will happen.
11. There is no youth gang driving around town after dark with their lights off intending to shoot you if you blink your headlights at them.
12. The guys in the white van selling speakers, if they exist, are selling stolen goods, not factory over-runs.
13. AOL will not donate 3 cents to the American Cancer Society, or anyone else, every time you forward a message about Jessica Midek having leukemia.
15. Top 10 lists are really not that funny. Top 15 lists, on the other hand…
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.