Yearly Archives: 1999

Theme Songs For The Viagra Commercials

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While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock — Paul Simon

Suddenly — B. Ocean

A Hard Days Night — The Beatles

Please Mr. Postman

Can’t Buy Me Love (Now you can. — The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time — Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love — The Bee Gees

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Let Your Love Flow — L. E. Williams

Longer — Dan Fogelberg

No Ordinary Love — Sade

Help Me Make It Through the Night

Love Takes Time (about an hour wait – according to Pfizer) — Mariah Carey

The Power of Love — Celine Dion

The Things We Do For Love — 10CC

We’ve Only Just Begun — Paul Williams

Have You Never Been Mello — Kris Kristofferson

Girls Just Want To Have Fun — Cindy Lauper

When I’m 64 — The Beatles

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Viagra Causes Panic

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WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

  • In Boise, a passenger plane skidded off the runway after the pilot’s erection inadvertently hit the button that causes the landing gear to retract.
  • In San Bernardino County, outside of Los Angeles, a 17-car pileup occurred when trucker Dirk Diggler apparently lost control of his rig, blocking his vision and causing him to also lose control of his truck.

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, "There’s no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton’s, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake."

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Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

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Author Unknown

Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err."

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid."

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing!"

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

Trojans: "Just add meat."

Apple Macintosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

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Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

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12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."

11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"

10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."

9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?

8. All of the "product" originates from Cheech, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.

7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.

6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.

5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.

4. No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.

3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.

2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.

1. Now there’s a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.

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Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

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Author Unknown

October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

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What Not To Say To The Police

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1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

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Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher

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How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!

The Cat in the Microwave

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?

The Fox in Detox

The Grinch’s Ten Inches

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

Zippy the Gerbil

My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Who Shat in the Hat?

Horton Hires a Ho

Aunts in My Pants

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!

Yentl the Lentil

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