Yearly Archives: 1999

Writer’s Paradise

Author Unknown

A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both. The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writer’s fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. Your general hell scene.

"Wow, this sucks," quoth the writer. "Let’s see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writer’s fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. It looks and smells even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell."

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

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The Letter

Author Unknown

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorrah.

But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did.

Do you know what the letter said?

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Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited… When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:

"Jesus is watching you."

Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.

"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the bird replied. "I’m just trying to warn you."

The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably," the bird answered, "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

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The Pope and the Janitor

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to talking very much as he was just a janitor, he requested that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ‘I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.’

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . ‘What happened?’ they asked. ‘Well,’ said Moishe, ‘First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.’ ‘And then?’ asked a woman. ‘I don’t know,’ said Moishe. ‘He took out his lunch and I took out mine.’

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The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:

665.999 – Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 – Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 – Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 – Beast Common Denominator

666 ^ (-1) = Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 – Binary of the Beast

1-666 – Area code of the Beast

00666 – Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

6, uh… what was that number again? – Number of the Blonde Beast

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 – K-mart price of the Beast

$646.66 – Next week’s K-mart price of the Beast

6.66 % – 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

DSM-666 – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

Route 666 – Highway of the Beast

666i – BMW of the Beast

666 F – Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k – Retirement plan of the Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 – Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 – CPU of the Beast

668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

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Church Humor…

Author Unknown

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won’t have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means – ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!’"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn’t know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It’s my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.

After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

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Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication.

It was in Hebrew.

It had no references.

It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

Some say he had his son teach the class.

He expelled his first two students for learning.

Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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Coffee 23

Author Unknown

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.

Amen

Continue ReadingCoffee 23

A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?"

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We’re taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That’s rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What’d he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where’d you get that awful haircut?"

Continue ReadingA Visit to the Pope