Unitarians

Priorities

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A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, “Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!” The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out.

A little farther up the road, the man passed by a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. He ran inside. “Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!”, cried the man. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament, and ran out.

A little farther down, the man came by a Unitarian Universalist Church. It, too, was on fire. The man rushed inside. “Minister, Minister!! Your Church is on fire!”, cried the man. The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out.

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Message of Welcome to the UU Church

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As we welcome our new members and visitors, it is only fair to let them know what we Unitarian Universalists are like and what we expect.

  • We are friendly. If you are not friendly, out you go!
  • We are genuine people. Even our phonies are real phonies.
  • We are always sincere, even if we have to fake it.
  • We aren’t sure how ambivalent we should be.
  • We believe in tolerance and cannot stand intolerant people.
  • We are optimists. Anyone who doesn’t look on the bright side depresses us.
  • We are more non-competitive than other groups.
  • We believe in equality; everyone is as good as the next person and a whole lot better.
  • Every Unitarian is a feminist, so he has to watch his language.
  • The organization is run democratically because the president insists on it.
  • We have our critics, but they are paranoid.
  • We are prompt about being late to meetings.
  • Dogmatism is absolutely forbidden.
  • Freedom of belief is rigidly enforced.

And to this wonderful place we joyfully welcome you.

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How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It Takes 300:

  • 12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
  • 5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
  • 8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
  • 4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
  • After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.

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You may be a Unitarian Universalist if:

  1. You think socks are too formal for a Summer service.
  2. You know at least 5 ways to say “Happy holidays!”
  3. Your idea of a guy’s night out is going to a N.O.W. rally.
  4. Unleavened bread is part of your Easter Brunch.
  5. You refer to construction paper as “paper of color.”
  6. The name of your church is longer than your arm.
  7. You find yourself rewriting a church survey, rather than taking it.
  8. You call up your minister in the middle of the night, panicking because you are starting to believe in God.
  9. To explain your personal theology, you have to use interpretive dance.
  10. You take your day planner to church instead of the Bible.
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Terrorist opens fire in UU Church in Knoxville, TN

I’m sure you’ve heard the news by now that the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennesee was the target of a mass shooting. Two people were killed and 5 more are in serious condition after Jim D. Adkisson, 58, walked into a children’s Sunday school play and opened fire on the crowd.

Like many Unitarian Universalist churches including the Unitarian Universalist Church of Indianapolis, and the church of the minister who married us, Andy Burnette of the Unitarian Universalist Community Church of Danville, The TVUUC was a “welcoming congregation” that believes all people, including lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people, deserve respect and support, and are welcome members of the church.

According to the latest news reports, Adkisson chose the church because he wanted to target liberals and gays, whom he felt were responsible for the current economic crisis, and for his particular economic situation. He left a 4-page long note in his car, and was also reportedly speaking out to the congregation as he was firing. He carried 76 rounds of ammunition with him, and intended to continue firing until the police arrive to kill him. Fortunately, he was subdued when one member of the congregation grabbed the rifle and 3 men wrestled him to the ground. The Knoxville News coverage has more information about the victims of the shooting.
My wife Stephanie is a third-generation member of the Unitarian Universalist church.

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