The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a Shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Intercompany Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Facilities
Date: April 3, 1998
Subject: Hurdling Cube Walls
Please read the following message if you are located at Parkwood.
Please be advised that an injury occurred recently when someone climbed over a manager station cube wall. Do NOT, under any circumstance, climb over these walls. There are two keys available for each of these cube offices. If you are at Parkwood both keys were given to you when you arrived at your new station. Please give the extra key from that station to your Administrative Assistant or to Facilities so that someone has access to your office in the event you are not at work. These cubes are not currently mastered keyed. We are working with the furniture manufacturer to get this resolved.
On an Electrician’s truck – "Let us remove your shorts"
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop – "Best place in town to take a leak"
In a Non-smoking area – "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"
On Maternity Room door – "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door – "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist’s Office – "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."
On a Scientist’s door – "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist’s window – "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist’s window – "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher’s window – "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher’s window – "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot – "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence – "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership – "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop – "No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel – "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop – "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium – "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room – "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room – "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher’s door – "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company – "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop – "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck – "We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got."
On the door of a Computer Store – "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window – "Don’t stand there and be hungry – come in and get fed up!"
Inside a Bowling Alley: – "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria – "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library – "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home – "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."
In a Counselor’s office – "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM – No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Official sign near door – Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby – Window frightened.
Guys – No shirt, No service. Girls – No shirt, No charge.
Road sign seen on Cyprus (translation of the Greek) – Caution: Road Slippery from Grape juice.
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race – Let’s see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King’s Canyon in California – Slow Parking Ahead.
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but… A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads – Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago –
– – – – > Restrooms – – – – >
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT – Bingo Friday night at 8:00 pm – Quickies Thursday at 7:30 pm.
Seen in a health food store – Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.
A little hole in the wall restaurant – Women are not served here… You have to bring your own.
Sign in a Laundromat – Please remove all of your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign outside a secondhand shop – We exchange anything! Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!
Sign outside a travel agency – Why Don’t You Just Go Away!
Sign in a London department store – Bargain Basement Upstairs
On same building (Morehead City N.C.) – Cox’s Family Restaurant – Pet store
On the marquis for the Crystal Coast Civic Center (Morehead City N.C.) – H.W. Brown Gun Show, Martin Luther King Festival
Road sign North of Saint Helena, CA – Blind Drive on Right.
Santa Fe gas station – We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
Baltimore estate – Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy
New Mexico dry cleaners – 38 years on the same spot.
Florida maternity ward – No children allowed.
Loan company office – Ask about our plans for owning your home.
New York convalescent home – For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Shop in Maine – Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases – Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
Kentucky appliance store – Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
Funeral parlor – Ask about our layaway plan.
Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!
Shopping mall marquee – Archery Tournament — Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop – We buy junk and sell antiques.
Maine restaurant – Open 7 days a week and weekends.
New England church – Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
Public school grounds – No trespassing without permission.
Tennessee highway – When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
New Hampshire car wash – If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.
On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van, Cincinnati area – A flush beats a full house!
On a sign at a little restaurant – Eat here or we’ll both starve
A urologist’s license plate – "NOPCME" (no p c me)
Ohio Road Sign – Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi
In a gas station several years ago: – Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite. If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.
Advertisement for a radiator repair shop – Best place in town to take a leak
In the key west internationl airport’s souvenier store – unattended children will be sold into slavery
In the bathroom of a mom and pop store – We aim to please, so, please, you aim too.
Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI – PUSH, if it doesn’t open, PULL, if it still doesn’t open, WE ARE CLOSED.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
A 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6′ 2″ and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members very ‘awkward’.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to “moon” the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
While this incident took an unexpected turn, it serves as a reminder of the importance of being prepared for emergencies. Whether it’s responding to unusual situations or more common scenarios, having proper training, such as CPR certification, can make a significant difference. For those interested in acquiring or renewing their CPR certification, they can explore resources like https://cprcertificationnow.com to ensure they are equipped with the skills needed in unexpected situations.
LOS ANGELES – Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbours that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. “The visual effect was very unsettling,” said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police.”Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began.” The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having “concocted a wire frame around his head” upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, “He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing.” The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. “We think he had been dusting,” said another police officer, “because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling.” The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30’s never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the woman lost her own.
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground”, Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “major trauma.” An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there’s a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition – lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found that none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as “bright” by his peers.