Buffy Quotes

A big fat list I had stashed somewhere on my hard drive, that I just recently unearthed. Heh. It’s not comprehensive; it’s missing the last few years of the show.

“Anchovies, anchovies you’re so delicious. I love you more than all the other fishes.” -Dawn Summers

Buffy: Fire Bad. Tree Pretty.

Buffy: “Can you vague that up for me?”

Buffy: “And where’d you get that accent… Sesame Street? One, two, tree victims, ha ha ha!”

Buffy: “I can beat up the demons until the cows come home… and then I can beat up the cows.”

Buffy: “Don’t be grumpy with her! Who among us can resist the allure of really funny math puns?”

Anya: “Oh, that’s very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: ‘I dislike that Anya. She’s newly human and strangely literal.’ ”

“Do you like my mask? Isn’t it pretty? It raises the dead!”

Willow: “That probably would’ve sounded more convincing if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.”

Buffy: “We saved the world. I say we party!”

Buffy: “Aww, poor watcher. Did your life flash before your eyes? Cup of tea… cup of tea… cup of tea??!!”

Buffy: Hi I’m Buffy….. and you are history.

Willow: Look at you! All coming-out-of-class and everything.
Tara: I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class.

Dawn: How are you?
Willow: A little confused. I mean, I’m all sweaty and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire… And I think I’m kinda gay.

Buffy: I think I know why Joan’s the boss. I’m like a superhero or something!
Spike: I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I’m a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my God, how lame is that?

Willow: “Well… When I’m with a boy I like it’s hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all. I – I can usually make a few vowel sounds. And then I have to go away…”

“What does a girl have to do to impress you?”
“Well, it involves a feather boa, and the theme to “A Summer Place.”” — Devon and Oz

OZ: “Who *is* that girl?”

Buffy: “I’ve had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”

Oz: “You’re just impressed by any pretty girl who can walk and talk.”
Devon: “She doesn’t have to talk.”

Xander: “People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream — what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.”

Buffy to Giles: “Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you’re a school librarian, so you don’t have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.”
Xander to Giles: “And she’s the only woman we’ve actually ever seen speak to you. Add it up, it all spells “duh!””

Willow: “You know, I never really thanked you.”
Oz: “Oh, yeah, please don’t. I don’t do thanks. I get all red. Have to bail. It’s not pretty.”

Willow: “Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me. Or I can just get on with my life.”
Buffy: “Good for you.”
Willow: “Well, I didn’t choose yet.”

Xander: “Now is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?”
Giles: “You know, I’m suddenly deciding this is none of your business.”
Xander: “You know, ’cause that whole stork thing is a smoke screen!”

Buffy: “So, we’re talking about a guy?”
Willow: “Not exactly a guy. For us to have a conversation about a guy, there’d have to be a guy for us to have a conversation about. Was that a sentence?”

“He’s not in school, right? He looks older than her.”
“You’re not wrong.” — Ford and Xander discussing Angel

Xander: “You took a bath.”
Buffy: “Yeah, I often do. I’m actually known for it.”

Buffy: “I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.”
Angel: “I’ll never be a kid.”
Buffy: “All right, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.”

Xander: “You know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn’t any dance. It’s a time for students to choose, um, a mate. And then we can observe their mating rituals, and tag them before they migrate… just kill me!”

Buffy: “I’m brainsick. I can’t have a relationship with him!”
Willow: “Not during the day… but you could ask him for coffee some night. It’s the non-relationship drink of choice. It’s not a date, it’s a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it’s hot and bitter, like a relationship that way, but…”

Giles: “How will I know what to wear?”
Jenny: “Do you own anything else?”
Giles: “Well, not as such, no.”

“I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.” — Xander

“Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.”
“It actually kind of turns me on.”
“I fear you.” — Buffy and Xander

“How is Angel? Pretend I care.”
“Getting better.”
“And you’re loving playing nursemaid?”
“Oh, yeah!”
“So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?” — Xander, Buffy and Willow

“You’re not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry… someone else.” — Xander

“Please, I’m so over her! Did she, um, mention when she might be getting back? About which I do _not_ care!” — Xander

Xander: “I’m a man, I have certain desires, certain needs.”
Willow: “Ah, I don’t want to know.”

Buffy: “Cute guy. Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!”

Willow: “It is kind of novel how he’ll stay young and handsome forever, although you’ll still get wrinkly and die… and oh, what about the children? I’ll be quiet now.”

Buffy: “It’s weird, though. In his way, I feel like he’s still watching me.”
Willow: “Well, in a way he sort of is…in the way of that he’s right over there.”

Buffy: “I was brought up a proper lady. I wasn’t meant to understand things. I’m just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a baron.”

Willow: “When Buffy was a vampire, you weren’t still, like, attracted to her, were you?”
Xander: “Willow, how can you…? I mean, that’s really *bent*. She was… grotesque.”
Willow: “Still dug her, huh?”
Xander: “I’m sick. I need help.”
Willow: “Don’t I know it.”

Buffy: “So, you’ve been seeing a guy, but you don’t know what he looks like. Okay, this is a puzzle. No, wait, I’m good at these. Does it involve a midget and a block of ice?”

Xander: “Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Angel. Big. Smoochies?”
Buffy: “Shut. Up.”

Willow: “Is Mr. I’m-the-lead-singer-I’m- so-great-I-don’t-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call going to be there?”
Buffy: “Yeah. You know, he’s just going by Devon now.”

Cordelia: “Well, you can tell him that I don’t care, and that I didn’t even mention it, and that I didn’t even see you, so that’s just fine.”
Oz: “So, what do I tell him?”
Cordelia: “Nothing. Geeze, get with the program!”

“Well, I’m not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure…
“130 over 80.”
“You got it bad, girl!” — Buffy and Willow

“But who am I kidding? Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of.” — Buffy. Girls who love having their nails done may be interested in knowing who created acrylic nails.

“The other night I dreamt that Xander… Uh, it wasn’t Xander. In fact it wasn’t me. In fact, it was a friend’s dream, and she can’t remember it.” — Willow

“I suppose some girls might find him good-looking. If they have eyes. Okay, he’s a honey!” — Buffy

Mr. Whitmore: “How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings.”
Xander: “Yes!”
Mr. Whitmore: “That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.”

Xander: “That’s why you’re so cool! You’re like a guy! You’re my guy friend that knows about girl stuff.”
Willow: “Oh great. I’m a guy.”

“All’s well that ends with cute E.R. doctors, I always say.” — Buffy

“You’re not like other boys at all. You are totally and completely one of the girls!” — Buffy to Xander

“That the Slayer?”
“Ain’t that Angelus with her?”
“Well, how come she ain’t slayin’? And how come he’s about to make me blush?” — Tector and Lyle

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re kind of a fuddy duddy?”
“Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.”
“Did anyone ever tell you you’re kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?”
“No, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can’t imagine why.” — Jenny and Giles

“We’re your bosom friends, the friends of your bosom.” — Xander (duh!)

“Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.” — Giles

“Yes, she’s lovely… in a common, extremely well-proportioned way.” — Giles

“Are we overlooking the possibility that she may be very attracted to me? … She’s possessed.” — Xander

“I fed on a girl your age. Beautiful. Dumb as a post.” — Angel

“My buds are here! I love my buds!” — Buffy

“You’re my friend! You’re my Xander-shaped friend!” — Buffy

“You see, the werewolf is such an . . . extreme representation of our inborn animalistic traits that it emerges for three consecutive nights — the full moon and the 2 nights surrounding it.”
“Quite the party animal.”
“Quite. . . It acts on pure instinct. No conscience. Predatory and aggressive.”
“In other words, a typical male.”
“On behalf of my gender — hey!”
“Yes, let’s not jump to conclusions.”
“I didn’t jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were.” — Giles, Willow, Buffy and Xander

“I bet you’d let a girl go off to her doom all by herself.”
“Not just any girl. You’re special.” — Cordelia and Xander

“So, Ampata, you’re a girl.”
“Yes, for many years now.” — Willow and Ampata

“I once drank an entire gallon of gatorade without taking a breath.”
“It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.” — Xander and Willow

“Xander, how do you feel about digging though some of Giles’ personal files and seeing what you can find?”
“I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? ….Nah.” — Buffy and Xander

“Okay, Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that one.” — Xander

“Someone else’s loss is my chocolatey goodness!” — Xander

“Have I ever let you down?”
“Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?” — Buffy and Giles

“o/~You’re having parental issues, you’re having parental issues!o/~”
“What? Freud would have said the exact same thing… except he might not have done that little dance.” — Xander and Willow

“Buffy, Ford was just telling us about the ninth grade beauty contest, and the, uh, swimsuit contest?”
“Oh my god, Ford, stop that. The more people you tell, the more people I have to kill.”
“You can’t touch me, Summers. I know all your darkest secrets.”
“Care to make a small wager on that?” — Xander, Buffy and Ford

“It’s devastating. He’s turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you’ll have to kill him.” — Giles

“I’m kind of curious to find out what sort of career I could have.”
“What, and suck all the spontanaity out of being young and stupid? I’d rather live in the dark.”
“You’re not going to be young forever”
“Yes, but I’ll always be stupid…. Okay, let’s not all rush to disagree.” — Willow and Xander

“Well, say it.”
“I’m not gonna say it.”
“You lied to Giles!”
“She will.” — Buffy, Xander and Willow

“I guess I need help.”
“Help? You mean like on homework? No, ’cause you’re old, and you already know stuff.” — Angel and Willow

“Yes, I lied, I’m a bad person, let’s move on.” — Buffy

“You want to protect her?”
“And prove that you’re just as good as those rich snotty guys?”

“Maybe catch an orgy?”
“If it’s on early.” — Willow and Xander

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.”
“Could you not call me that?” — Xander and Angel

“I don’t care what time it is, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the phone!” — Giles

“You know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble.” — Buffy

“Goody! Research party!”
“Will, you need a life in the worst way.” — Willow and Xander

“I’m not ashamed. It’s the computer age. Nerds are in. They’re still in, right?” — Willow

“Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn’t require ointments the next day.” — Xander

“Angel was in your bedroom?!”
“Ours is a forbidden love.” — Xander and Willow

“Maybe Buffy unplugged the phone.”
“No, it’s a statistical impossibility for a sixteen- year-old girl to unplug her phone.” — Giles and Xander

“We’re still all rooting for you on Saturday. I’d be there for you myself if I didn’t have a leg wax.” — Cordelia

“You guys… I just… hate you guys! The weirdest things always happen when you’re around.” — Cordelia

“You were my sire, man! You were my… Yoda.” — Spike

“Can you say “overreaction”?”
“Can you say “sucking chest wound”?” — Xander and Buffy

“It’s too bad we can’t take a look at the Watcher diaries, and read up on Angel. I’m sure it’s full of fun facts to know and tell.”
“Yeah. It’s too bad. That stuff is private.”
“Also, Giles keeps them in his office, in his personal files.”
“Most importantly, it would be Wrong.” — Willow and Buffy

“I don’t know what everyone’s talking about, that outfit doesn’t make you look like a hooker.” — Xander

“Why does everyone always yell my name? I’m not deaf, and I can take a hint. What’s the hint?” — Cordelia

“Those who can do. Those who can’t laugh at those who can do.” — Xander

“Oh, he’s a _vampire_. Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a care bear, with fangs.” — Cordelia

“I’m fine. I mean, I’m not running around, wind in my hair, the hills are alive with the sound of music fine, but…” — Jenny

“Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.” — Buffy

“You’re the Slayer and we’re, like, the Slayerettes.” — Willow

“What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m gonna do what any man would do about it. Something damn manly.” — Larry and Xander

“If they hurt Willow I’ll kill you.” — Xander

“I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.” — Xander

“Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?”
“Maybe because they met her? Did *I* say that?” — Giles and Willow

“We are totally overreacting.”
“But it’s fun, isn’t it?” — Buffy and Xander

“There are some things I can just smell. It’s like a 6th sense.”
“Well, actually, that would be one of the five.” — Principal Snyder and Giles

“Have you ever done an exchange program?”
“My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?” — Buffy and Xander

“It’s a baby. You got to keep it safe and teach it Christian values.”
“My egg is Jewish.”
“Then teach it that dreidel song.” — Xander and Willow

“Just sitting here watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh, look, a cockroach.” *stomp* — Willow

“You just don’t like him ’cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.”
“Yeah, I’m irrational that way.” — Willow and Xander

“Well, I sort of test well, you know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs.” — Oz!

“You’re here again? You kids really dig the library, don’t you?”
“We’re literary.”
“To read makes our speaking English good.” — Miss Calendar, Buffy and Xander

“Willow said something, a name… What was it?”
“A bozo! Not a bozo.”
“A bezoar.”
“That’s it. Okay, so now… we look it up?”
“In what?”
“A book?” — Xander and Buffy

“But it’s not doable. I mean, making someone from scraps, actually making them live.”
“If it is, my science project is definitely coming in second this year.” — Buffy and Willow

“Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn’t it? First, I’m sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday. Now I have to read some computer book. There are books on computers? Isn’t the point of computers to replace books?” — Cordelia

“Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um…”
“England?” — Buffy and Giles

“You know, computers are on the way out. I think paper’s gonna make a big comeback.”
“And the abacus.”
“Yeah, you know, you don’t see enough abaci.” — Xander and Willow

“I have had it up to here with you four. What are you doing?”
“Did I ask you to speak? …. Okay, I guess I did.” — Principal Flutie and Kyle

“On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.”
“Well, that was never proven. The fire marshal said it could have been mice.”
“Mice that were smoking?” — Principal Snyder and Buffy

“Do I like shrubs?”
“That’s between you and your god.”
“What’d you put?”
“I came down on the side of the shrubs.”
“Go shrubs, okay.” — Buffy, Xander and Willow

“You wouldn’t be helping Buffy in Sheila’s place, would you?”
“No, we’re hindering.” — Principal Snyder and Willow

“I don’t think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don’t want to.” — Cordelia

“You know what this means?”
“That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body-count competition this year?” — Buffy and Xander

“Does this look familiar to either of you?”
“Yeah, sure. It looks like a book.”
“I knew that one.” — Giles, Buffy and Xander

“There are no dead students here. This week.” — Principal Snyder
“Mitch wanted me to get his comb. He likes his comb.”
“I don’t think Mitch needs his comb right now. I think Mitch needs medical attention.” — Buffy and Principal Snyder

“See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.”
“I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.” — Buffy and Giles

“How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what’s going on. I never know what’s going on.”
“You weren’t here from midnight until six researching it.”
“No, I was sleeping.” — Willow and Giles

“It’s funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.” — Xander

“Whatever is causing the Joan Collins ‘tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.” — Cordelia

“Let me be sure I have this right – this witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells… so that she can become a *cheerleader*?” — Giles

“Gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.” — Cordelia

“I mean, the dead rose. We should have at least had an assembly.” — Xander

“I won’t wear my button that says, “I’m a Slayer. Ask me how!” — Buffy

“I don’t take orders. I do things my way.”
“No wonder you died.” — Buffy and Kendra

Buffy: “Oh! I know this one: “Slaying entails certain sacrifices… blah blah bity blah. I’m so stuffy, give me a scone.””
Giles: “It’s as if you know me.”

“To make a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It’s like a whole big sucking thing.” — Buffy

Buffy: “Vampires are creeps.”
Giles: “Yes, that’s why one slays them.”

“I’m not afraid. You’d think I’d be afraid, but I’m not.” — Willow

“There’s a Slayer handbook?”
“Wait, handbook? What handbook? How come I don’t have a handbook?”
“Is there a t-shirt, too? ‘Cause that would be cool.” — Willow and Buffy

“I didn’t say I’d never slay another vampire. It’s not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I’m just not going to get way extra-curricular with it.” — Buffy

“A slayer, huh? I knew this ‘I’m the only one. I’m the only one’ thing was just an attention-getter!” — Xander

“I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house and start making these stupid little mini-pizzas. Now where I like a mini-pizza, but I’m telling you…”
“Buffy. I believe the sub-text here is rapidly becoming… text.” — Buffy and Giles

Giles: “I’ve been indexing the Watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You’d be amazed how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were.”
Buffy: “Color me stunned.”

Buffy: “I hit him.”
Willow: “With what?”
Buffy: “A desk.”

“You’re not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you?” — Giles

“Try it!”
“Try what?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m still not clear what I’m supposed to try.”
“Nothing. God, I’m sorry.”
“That’s a tense person.” — Buffy and Oz!

“Okay, I’ll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping the throat out – it’s a strong visual, it’s not cryptic.” — Buffy

“This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear but… where did they put his head?”
“Good point – I *didn’t* want to hear that.” — Xander and Willow

Willow: “We can’t run, that would be wrong. Could we hide?”

“Do I have anyone on watch here?! It’s called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?” — Spike

Buffy: “Do we really need weapons for this?”
Spike: “I just like them. They make me feel all manly.”

“The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She’s so little.” — Ms. Calendar

“How could you let her go?”
“As the soon-to-be purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not ‘let’ her go!” — Xander and Giles
“Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint.” — Buffy
“He could die!”
“He’s a vampire. He should die. Why am I the only one who sees that?” — Buffy and Kendra on Angel
“I don’t get it. Buffy’s the Slayer – shouldn’t she have…”
“What, a license to kill?”
“Well, not for fun. But she’s like this Superman. Shouldn’t there be different rules for her?”
“Sure, in a fascist society.”
“Right! Why can’t we have one of those?” — Cordelia, Xander and Willow
“So, you’re a Slayer, huh? I like that in a woman.” — Xander (Who else?)
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.” — Xander and Buffy
“There’s one thing I really didn’t factor into all this. You’re a thundering loonie!” — Buffy
“You don’t just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You… stomp. Or yodel.” — Buffy
“I didn’t come here to fight! //thud// Ooh! Oh right, I did!” — Buffy
“Well, ain’t you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see?”
“Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?” — Lyle and Buffy
“This ain’t over!”
“Oh, sure, they say they’ll call.” — Lyle and Buffy
“Well, the hellmouth. The center of mystical convergence. Supernatural monsters. Been there!”
“A little blase there, aren’t you?” — Xander and Buffy
“I’m not worried. If there’s something bad out there, we’ll find, you’ll slay, we’ll party!” — Xander
“So are you going to kill me or are we just making small talk?” — Buffy
“They made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886.”
“Friendly little demons.”
“That was before they became vampires.” — Giles and Buffy
“Gee, I wish people wouldn’t leave open graves lying around like this.” — Buffy
“Me? Why do I have to dissect it?”
“Because you’re the Slayer.”
“And I slayed. My work here is done!” — Buffy and Xander
“The dead guy’s all puddly now.” — Buffy
“Come on, we fight monsters, this is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat them up, and they go away.” — Buffy
“Grave robbery? That’s new. Interesting.”
“I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.”
“Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.” — Giles and Buffy
“Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word “corpse” in it?”– Cordelia
“I don’t like vampires. I’m going to take a stand and say they’re not good.” — Xander
“So, what’s on tap tonight that’s so important? Uprising? Prophesied ritual? Pre-ordained deathfest?”
“Ah, the old standards.” — Buffy and Xander
“I’ve never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.”
“Maybe it’s a vampire bat? I’m low on that one, huh?” — Giles and Xander
“Oh, hey, you forgot your… stake?” — Xander
“I’m gonna need a weapon. I’m gonna need a _big_ weapon.” — Buffy
“Halloween quiet? I figured it would be a big ol’ vamp scareapalooza.”
“Not according to Giles. He swears that tomorrow night is like dead for the undead. They stay in.”
“Those wacky vampires. That’s why I love ’em. They just keeps ya guessing.” — Xander and Buffy
“We killed each other. It really promotes togetherness.” — Buffy
“…he had this really, really thick neck, and all I had was this little, little exacto knife… you’re _not_ loving this story.” — Buffy
“I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.”
“What are you going to do, crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?”
“Would it have cable?” — Buffy and Giles
“That was hardly the worst mistake you’ll ever make… That wasn’t quite as comforting as it was meant to be.” — Giles
“My spider sense is tingling.”
“Your… spider sense?”
“Pop-culture reference. Sorry.” — Buffy and Giles
“A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer.” — Buffy
“Clark Kent has a job. I just want to go on a date.” — Buffy
“If the apocalypse comes, beep me.” — Buffy
“Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires, and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time!” — Giles
“The elders conjured up the perfect punishment for me: they restored my soul.”
“What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?” — Angel and Buffy
“He’s shot! Are you okay?”
“I, um, I’m shot, you know. Wow! It’s odd. And painful.” — Willow and Oz!
“I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one suffered like I suffered.” — Cordelia
“Where are your other clothes?”
“Oh, don’t I wish I had the answer to that question?”
“Xander kind of found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything.”
“Except my underwear.”
“Yeah, it was really… bad. It was a bad thing.”
“Bad thing? I was naked. “Bad thing” doesn’t cover it.” — Giles, Xander and Willow
“That’s me favorite shirt. That’s me only shirt!” — Kendra
“Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I’d be more in my element.” — Giles
“I’m just saying there’s something a little too clean about this clown.”
“He’s a clean clown! I… have my own fun.” — Buffy and Willow
“I swear on my mother’s grave… should something fatal happen to her, God forbid.” — Willie
“Uh, Angel, if I say something you really don’t want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?” — Willow
“Don’t warn the tadpoles!”
“Don’t warn the tadpoles?”
“I… I have frog fear.” — Willow and Giles (it’s a Forever Knight thing.)
“Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty. Really honed my brooding skills.” — Angel
“Excommunicated _and_ sent to Sunnydale. That’s a guy big with the sinning.” — Buffy
“So you’re saying these vampires went to all this hassle for a basic decoder ring?”
“Actually, yes, I suppose I am.” — Buffy and Giles
“I told one lie. I had one drink.”
“Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, “let that be a lesson” are a tad redundant at this juncture.” — Buffy and Giles
“You were looking at my neck.”
“You were checking out my neck, I saw that.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Just keep your distance, pal.”
“I wasn’t looking at your neck.”
“I told you to eat before we left.” — Xander and Angel
“It could be, “deprimere ille bubula linter.”
“Debase the beef… canoe. //whap!// Why does that strike me as not right?” — Dalton and Spike
“Are you noticing a theme here?”
“As in, “vampires, yay!”?”
“That’s the one.” — Xander and Willow
“What are you doing?”
“Oh. Sorry. The reflection thing that you don’t have… Angel, how do you shave?” — Giles and Willow
“The bird’s dead, Dru. You left it in a cage, and you didn’t feed it, and now it’s all dead, just like the last one.” — Spike
“My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you ever met – by day. By night it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?”
“He was alone.”
“Give it time.” — Xander and Buffy
“Why is this happening?”
“Well, that explanation was shorter than usual. It’s Billy! Who’s Billy?” — Willow, Giles and Xander
“Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don’t worry, that’ll go away once the searing pain kicks in.” — Ethan
“Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scaldin water and about eight minutes.”
“You boiled your egg?”
“Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.” — Xander and Willow
“You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.” — Buffy
“So I’m wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped? Like, is the hippo going, “Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity.” And you know, the monkey’s just, “I mock you with my monkey pants!” And then there’s a big coup in the zoo.” — Oz!
“The monkey is French?”
“All monkeys are French. You didn’t know that?” — Willow and Oz!
“What are you going to do with him, anyway?”
“I’m thinking… maybe dinner and a movie. I don’t want to rush into anything. I’ve been hurt, you know?” — Willie and Spike
“Can I just say… ghuuuh!” — Xander
“Neural clamping. That sounds skippable.” — Xander
“Did my pet have a vision?”
“Do you know what I miss? Leeches.” — Spike and Dru
“Ok, on sleazing extra candy: Tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the “you missed me” routine, but it’s risky. Only go there for chocolate.” — Xander
“She couldn’t have dressed up like Xena?” — Willow
“Big noise scare monster, remember?” — Xander
“We must have some kind of amnesia.”
“I don’t know what that is, but I’m certain I don’t have it. I bathe quite often.” — Xander and Buffy
“You take the princess and secure the kitchen. Catwoman, you’re with me.”
“But I don’t want to go with you! I like the man with the musket.”
“Come on.”
“Do you have a musket?” — Xander, Buffy and Angel
“Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of *my* life, and she’s trying to make it about her *leg*. Like my pain meant nothing.” — Cordelia (who else?)
“I have all these thoughts, and I’m pretty sure they all contradict each other.” — Cordelia
“My mom’s making her famous call to the Chinese place.”
“Do you guys even have a stove?” — Xander and Willow
“Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility.” — Cordelia
“I think I speak for everyone here when I say, “huh?”” — Buffy
“Why are these terrible things always happening to me?”
“(cough) Karma! (cough).” — Cordelia and Xander
“I saw the fire, I figured you’d be here.” — Angel
“What, I can’t have information sometimes?”
“It’s just somewhat unprecedented.” — Xander and Giles
“I’ll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.”
“Okay, at this point, you’re abusing sarcasm.” — Giles and Buffy
“I’ve never seen a dead body before. Do they usually move?” — Owen
“You were right, all along, about everything…. Well, no, you weren’t right about your mother coming back as a pekinese.” — Giles
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time?
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
Riley: I’m getting that.

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honesty is the best policy

I like the phrase “honesty is the best policy.” It sort of implies that you’ve tried other policies, and realized they didn’t work. It’s not one of those “because I said so” kind of instructions. It’s like the voice of experience talking. Sort of : “I’ve been a big liar, but it really wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

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Things I said…

I don’t need clones. You have to feed them. What I need is a doppelganger.
You can’t straddle the fence without bruising your genitalia.
On George W. Bush: I don’t want a president who’s done more drugs than me.
On President G. W. Bush: At the very least, I can say I’m smarter than the President of the United States.
My favorite Guin Turner movie? Taxicab Confessions. I like her acting best when she’s drunk and unaware of the camera.

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Inspirational Quotes

g’nothi s’auton – Know thy self
— inscription on the wall of the temple at Delphi

You don’t drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.
— Robert Allen

If at first you don’t succeed, you are running about average.
— M. H. Anderson

Live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.
— Auntie Mame

Fabrum esse suae quemque fortunae. – Each man the architect of his own fate.
— Appius Caecus, Quoted by Sallust, De Civitate, I. 2

Honey, I can upstage you with out even being on the stage.
— Tallulah Bankhead

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
— Mildred Berthel

No man is a failure until he gives up.
— Bishop of London

Corky (Gina Gershon) to Violet (Jennifer Tilly):

Don’t apologize. I can’t stand it when women apologize for wanting sex.
— from the movie Bound

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
— James Dean

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
— Margret Drabble

We are not Human Beings having a spiritual experience. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.
— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
— Thomas Edison

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
— Thomas Edison

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do the thing you’re afraid to do and the death of fear is certain.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

First say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do.
— Epictetus

If you build it, they will come.
— From the movie, Field of Dreams

The things you own, end up owning you. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Self-improvement is masturbation. Self-destruction might be the answer. You are not your Khakis.
— Fight Club

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
— Galileo

If you think the world is all wrong, remember that it contains people like you.
— Gandhi

They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.
— Gandhi

To act is easy; to think is hard.
— Goethe

What does not kill me makes me stronger.
— Goethe

Talent develops in tranquility, character in the full current of human life.
— Goethe

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
— Goethe

I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes. The greater part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do not sufficiently understand their own aims. They have undertaken to build a tower, and spend no more labor on the foundation than would be necessary to erect a hut.
— Goethe

Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.
— Goethe

Only learn to seize good fortune, for good fortune is always here.
— Goethe

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
— Goethe

When we treat man as he is, we make him worse than he is; when we treat him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what he should be.
— Goethe

Hey, world, I’m alive — and these pants are washable!
— Harry, 3rd Rock from the Sun

If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game show host.
— from the movie “Heathers”

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
— Robert Heinlein

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Henrichs

He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
— George Herbert

Fall seven times, stand up eight .
— Japanese proverb

The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining.
— Guy Kawasaki

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
— John F. Kennedy

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
— John F. Kennedy

Perhaps the worst sin in life is knowing right and not doing it.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.

I always prefer to believe the best of everybody . . . it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling

I can imagine that an ugly woman who looks in the mirror is convinced that it is her mirror image and not she that is ugly.Thus society sees the mirror image of it’s meanness, and is stupid enough to believe that I am the mean fellow.
— Karl Kraus

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage
— Lao Tzu

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
— Stephen Leacock

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
— Abraham Lincoln

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.
— Vince Lombardi (not that I’m fond of the guy, but this is good.)

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.
— Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Freefall with the truth; hope we both survive. Deal?
— Ally McBeal

Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.
— Henry Miller

Democracy is not a spectator sport.
— Michael Moore

To my little sister on Mother’s Day, in reference to my sexual orientation:

You’re not going to turn out like Steph are you?

[It’s always a delight to hear what people really think of you.]
— My Mother

Whosoever would fight monsters must take care that in the process he does not become one. For when you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks also into you.
— Neitzche

Passion is not Arrogance. You ever hear that story about Babe Ruth pointing towards the fence before he belted a home run exactly where he said it would? No one knows if it’s true or not; it’s like a myth. But man, you sure want to believe it happened. You want to believe that someone could have that much faith in themselves, in what they do, in what they’re capable of, that they’d guarantee they’re going to do something and then go ahead and do it.
— A Nike Ad

I will choose what enters me, what becomes flesh of my flesh. Without choice, no politics, no ethics lives. I am not your cornfield, not your uranium mine, not your calf for fattening, not your cow for milking. You may not use me as your factory. Priests and legislators do not hold shares in my womb or my mind. This is my body. If I give it to you I want it back. My life is a non-negotiable demand.
— Marge Piercy

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
— Plutarch

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
— Alexander Pope

America’s abundance was not created by public sacrifices to ‘the common good,’ but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes.
— Ayn Rand

Late to Bed, Early to Rise; Work like Hell, and You’ll be Wise.
— Hyman G. Rickover, Father of the U.S. Nuclear Navy

If a man does only what is required of him, he is a slave. The moment he does more than is required, he becomes a free man.
— A.W. Robertson

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
— Theodore Roosevelt

The thing that women have to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
— Roseanne

It is not the civil-social norm for which men yearn, but the outrageous, the outsized, the out-of-bounds, for that by which our wild potency may be unleashed. We crave openly to become our secret selves.
— Salman Rushdie, From The Moor’s Last Sigh

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
— Carl Sandburg

Nothing happens unless first a dream.
— Carl Sandburg

Growth does not cease being painful at any age.
— May Sarton, from Journal of Solitude

My own belief is that one regards oneself, if one is a serious writer, as an instrument for experiencing. Life–all of it–flows through this instrument and is distilled through it into works of art. How one lives as a private person is intimately bound into the work. And at some point, I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend, and come out with personal truth. If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling, guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and artist, we have to know all we can about one another, and we have to be willing to go naked.
— May Sarton, from Journal of Solitude

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
— Dr. Robert Schuller

This above All,–to thine ownself be true, And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
— Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene III

This thing of darkness I Acknowledge mine.
— Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act V, Scene I

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
— Henry David Thoreau

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people can always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
— Mark Twain

Lightning flashes across the sky, east to west, do or die. Like a thief in the night, see the world by candlelight. from Seconds
— U2

Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best.
— Henry Van Dyke

Fortune favours the bold.
— Virgil, Aeneid

Progress always involves risk. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.
— Frederick B. Wilcox

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
— Oscar Wilde

Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
— Earl Wilson

I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
— Woodrow Wilson

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