Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading— a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I’ll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong — how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it."

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The Rabbi and the Pope

Author Unknown

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It’s my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.

After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)

The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

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