learn from the movies

10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown

1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls "meeting cute" – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.

2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to "Say Anything." In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.

3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued ("A Very Special Favor," "Three to Tango"). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?

4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You ("Bedrooms and Hallways," "Claire of the Moon," almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.

5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny ("The Graduate," "The Tao of Steve"). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.

6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality ("Frankie and Johnny," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.

7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun ("Pretty Woman," "Working Girl"). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.

8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them "What It Means to Be a Woman" ("Woman of the Year," "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.

9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work ("Love With the Proper Stranger," "An Officer and a Gentleman," "love jones"). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.

10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment ("The Way We Were," "Now, Voyager," "Casablanca"). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly.

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More Things I Learned From The Movies

Signals

If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:

beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.

A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

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Things I Learned From Movies

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

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Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies

David Speakman

With the fast-approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house — move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead.

If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

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Things You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

Author Unknown

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. As per their explanation, these computers too will need timely services to work efficiently.

Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ‘ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES’ on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer (even those of advanced alien life forms capable of travelling trillions of light years) with a destructive virus simply by typing ‘UPLOAD VIRUS’. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, so getting the right IT Services in Jacksonville can be essential to take care of this issue.

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer (or Agent Scully’s), even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just beneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. (see #7 above)

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge abounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If you display a file on the screen, and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself on to his/her face.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

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