Blonde Joke
I’m not a fan of blonde jokes, being blonde myself, but this one is darned funny!!
Nature’s Harmonious Money Cycle
Fafblog explains how trickle-down economics work for you:
That’s right! You’re the tiny microscopic planktony thing about to get eaten by the octopus! You’re right next to the leprechaun with the magical pot of pixie gold who’s gonna pay down the national debt.
So if you’re feelin cold, sick and hungry this winter while Larry Ellison buys an extra boat, don’t feel sad! We’re all part of Nature’s Money Cycle, and someday some a that boat’s gonna trickle down to you! Maybe a piece of the bowsprit, after Larry throws it out to buy a better boat. I hear that’s delicious in a lemon marinade.
How Santa Knows IF you’ve Been Good
Sung to the tune of…
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.
He’s buggin your room,
He’s reading your mail,
He’s keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone
He hears you in the bedroom
Surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn’t get the goods
Then he’ll use provocateurs.
So you mustn’t assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He’ll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone
A Christmas Tradition is Born
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus
CHICAGO – The American CivilLiberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children’s rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus’ organization, "…clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence."
In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus’ Christmas travels this year.
Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
You’ll need the following:
- 1 C water
- 1 C sugar
- 4 large eggs
- 2 C dried fruit
- 1 tsp. baking soda
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 C brown sugar
- lemon juice
- nuts
- 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
(Sample the whiskey to check for quality).
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK – Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the hell likes druitcake anyway?
Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer 1962
WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y
WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y
WEEK FIVE
Fresh fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astroglide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco
Ten Reasons Why Halloween is Better than Sex
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “TopSecret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
If you plan to be a samurai or ninja for Halloween, you may want a wakizashi sword as part of your costume.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
A Halloween Story
A Halloween Story
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a…….
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP… behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him …
faster…
faster…
BUMP…
BUMP….
BUMP….
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
on the heels of the terrified man….
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything… his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition…….
and………..
…………………….the coffin stops.
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