carry a corkscrew
Always carry a corkscrew and the wine will provide itself–Bunting’s Law
stealing from our fellow beings
Any time we accumulate more than we actually need, we are actually stealing from our fellow beings,” explains Feuerstein.
This reminds me of much of the criticism I’ve received lately….
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny
1. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket
2. Walk softly and carry a big carrot
3. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
4. There’s no such thing as too much candy
5. All work and no play can make you a basket case
6. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
7. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
8. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
9. Some body parts should be floppy
10. Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans
11. Good things come in small, sugar-coated packages
12. The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket
13. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
14. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
15. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
Einstein’s Speech
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let’s do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Job Advertisment Glossary
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".
Thus "walking" becomes "valking"
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s "ghraining" "algheady"
Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics
Questions are always answered with questions.
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle".
Sample Usage Comparisons
|
Standard English Phrase |
Hebonics Phrase |
|
"He walks slow" |
"Like a fly in the ointment he walks" |
|
"You’re sexy" |
(unknown concept) |
|
"Sorry, I do not know the time" |
"What do I look like, a clock?" |
|
"I hope things turn out for the best" |
"You should BE so lucky" |
|
"Anything can happen" |
"It is never so bad, it can’t get worse" |
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited
for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some manical intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there’s C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Deteriorata
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
Things I said…
I don’t need clones. You have to feed them. What I need is a doppelganger.
You can’t straddle the fence without bruising your genitalia.
On George W. Bush: I don’t want a president who’s done more drugs than me.
On President G. W. Bush: At the very least, I can say I’m smarter than the President of the United States.
My favorite Guin Turner movie? Taxicab Confessions. I like her acting best when she’s drunk and unaware of the camera.
Feller breaks collarbone in butch football play
Douglas E. Feller, 4445 Bevington Lane, Indianapolis, broke his collarbone this afternoon while playing touch football at Barb and Michelle’s cookout.
Displaying the butch, masculine qualities for which he is so well-known, Doug was going out for a pass when he swerved to avoid a tree, did a half-somersault in the air, and landed on his right shoulder, breaking his collarbone. The pass was incomplete.
After a spending several eventful hours at St. Vincent’s Hospital, (for drugs and x-rays), he’s now a home with a sling, icepack and bottle of Vicodin. Doug will be required to wear the sling for approximately four weeks.
With the help of the wrongful death lawyers for hire, Doug has stated that this is the last time he will attempt to play football due to his injury. As stated by Maryland slip and fall attorneys, injuries are inevitable especially when we travel in vehicles and now a days it is easy to consult lawyers from law firm for slip and fall charges, But accident in games can make situation worse. When you’re unfamiliar with accident laws, it’s difficult to know how best to proceed with your case. The steps involved can be complex, but a slip & fall accident lawyer Schaumburg will have the experience to guide you through the process. They’ll use their knowledge to help you avoid common mistakes and they’ll clearly explain what obstacles you might face and how to overcome them. Unfortunately, due to his untimely injury, Doug’s football team lost the game. You can hire car accident lawyers from here!
While there are no pictures or video of the injury occuring, there are pictures and video of Doug at play during the game. Just in case you don’t believe it. This evidence is enough for any experienced lawyers who can be found in this https://halelaw.com/sarasota-personal-injury-attorney/car-accidents site, to file a injury claim that will be very helpful for the athlete to recover soon and to see him back into the field again, playing for his team.
- Go to the previous page
- 1
- …
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- …
- 18
- Go to the next page