humor

Three Irish Brothers

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayAn Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what’ll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine–I just quit drinking."

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Golfing in Ireland

Author Unknown

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It’s great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Continue ReadingGolfing in Ireland

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

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Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Author Unknown

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Continue ReadingMajor U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Marinating In: a belief system that your stewing in
example: "After mom said I was too old to meet someone, I was marinating in that idea.

Minty: Used in place of "cool"
example: Friend:"Man, did you go to that party last night?" You:"Yeah, it was so minty!"

Mole: A really big number. It’s a chemistry term equal to 6.02×10 23 — in other words, a really big number.
example: Were you at last night’s concert? There were mole people there.

Monochrome: Boring
example: "That guy was totally monochrome. I couldn’t get rid of him quickly enough"

Neonphancy (ne on’ fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Ooh, Gravity!: What you say when someone falls down
example: A friend falls down the steps at school, and you say, "Ooh, gravity!"

Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.

Peel: To go beyond the first page of a web site
example: That web site looks whack at first, but you have to peel it to get to the phat parts.

Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Petrophobic (pet ro fob’ ik) adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pull Your Coat: To make an inquiry
example: Hey, Mr. Man, let me pull your coat about this assignment.

Pupkus (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Ripe-For-The-Pickin’: A cute person who is currently single
example: Alright! Brinn dumped adorable Damion, so he’s totally ripe-for-the-pickin’!

Roach: To live off of friends resources
example: Friend: "Hey I’ve only got a dollar." You: "You gotta stop roaching off me."

SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two/Three Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Softing Loose: Taking things easy and not doing anything
example: "Hey, Kate, what did you do yesterday?" "Nothing. I was just softing loose."

Speaking Of Toasters: Phrase used to amplify the randomness of a thought brought up in conversation.
example: You: "I can’t understand physics." Friend: "I can belch and make it sound like a frog."
You: "…speaking of toasters…"

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.

Tragic: An unfortunate event occurring to somebody near you.
example: Driving past someone who got pulled over, you say "Dude! tragic on him."

Trumpet: One who has an extremely large ego. (from Marching band)
example: "He won’t listen to anything we say." "Well, what do you expect? He’s a trumpet."

Umfriend:
A sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my…um…friend."

Upalator and Downalator
(instead of escalator)

Virus Of The Mind: a false belief system that screws you up.
example: "the number of personal bankruptcies are going up every year because people have a virus of the mind that credit is a good thing."

Yuppie Food Coupons:
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Continue ReadingNeologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

What Your Resume Really Means

Author Unknown

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m Adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.

I’m Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.

I’m Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’m On The Go:
I’m never at my desk.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

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Real Cowboy

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  • Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian."

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Gay Sons

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  • Post category:Gay Jokes

author unknown

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he”s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He”s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he”s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I”m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

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Alanis: Irony Defined.

Irony defined — by the British, of course, because they did invent the language after all. I’m posting this here because I’m resisting the temptation to send it directly to people.
Favorite part so far: “every one of us, I’d guess, has a friend who engages in an argument, waits patiently until you’ve said something really trenchant and probably wrong, then cocks his (or her) head to one side and says, “Do you think that’s true?” thereafter pursuing each one of your most ridiculous points and challenging them from a perspective of utter (pretended) ignorance. Weirdly, this is never called irony, even though every other bloody thing that anyone ever says is.”

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This Sounds Hauntingly Familiar

From the ONION: “Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand’s DVD Collection”

The harsh light of morning fell on the terrible DVD collection of Marc Koenig Monday, when Traci Pearle discovered it upon waking up from their one-night stand…. Out of the thousands of movies you could own, why would you spend your money on this stuff? Don’t you buy a movie because you’re somehow passionate about it and want to watch it again and again?”

I’ve thought this same thing when I’ve visited some people’s homes and noticed their DVDs. Or sometimes their books. Fortunately, never after having awakened in their beds. However, somewhere on my site I remember writing about a date I had where the girl I was out with declined to visit the Indianapolis Museum of Art with me, saying, “I don’t like Art.” Of course, the first think I thought was “Vandelay?” (and so did my friend Karl when I told him the story) but I thought it would be bad form to make a Seinfeld joke, so I said “Um. Like, in general?” I thought maybe sculpture was cool, but not painting… She didn’t answer, and we never went out again. And I still don’t know quite what she meant. But I think I don’t really want to know. I think I dodged a bullet, there.

Continue ReadingThis Sounds Hauntingly Familiar