George W. Bush

What a brilliant idea: Bush / Saddam Duel

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What a brilliant idea. I can’t see a downside to this. There’s just no way we could lose.

An Iraqi vice-president has proposed that Saddam Hussein and George W Bush should fight a duel to settle their differences.

“Bush wants to attack the whole [of] Iraq, the army and the infrastructure,” the Iraqi vice-president said.

“The American president should specify a group, and we will specify a group and choose neutral ground with Kofi Annan as referee and use one weapon with a president against a president, a vice-president against a vice-president, and a minister against a minister in a duel.”

Update: got a message from a fellow named Ron Pawlikowski in response: “If I recall my duelling rules, the one who is challenged gets to pick the weapons. So obviously, GWB should choose ICBM’s at about 20 million paces. Since Saddam doesn’t have any, we win!”

Of course, I replied to point out the error in his thinking: “If you recall all of the dueling rules, you’d realize that whoever chooses the weapons has to provide them to both parties on the morning of the duel, and then the other fellow, the challenger picks the time and place. So I don’t think the ICBM choice would be the best for GWB, although I can see him being brainless enough to make that choice.”

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Squelching Dissent Is Unpatriotic

Democrats are being unjustly browbeaten by the rightwingers over their questions about intelligence reports surrounding the 9/11 attacks. I’ve seen all the democratic comments and not one of them is attacking the White House — they are merely asking questions.

Suggesting that asking questions is unpatriotic, or that it shouldn’t be done in time of war is not only ridiculous, it’s disgusting. Asking questions about how our government is being run is the most patriotic thing any citizen could do. It’s part of the freedom we enjoy as Americans–a freedom that few countries are lucky enough to share with us.

You can bet that if Clinton were in office, the right-wingers would be asking questions, and they certainly wouldn’t be as respectful as the Democrats have been. They’d be viciously attacking Clinton, as they did throughout his term. Funny how they howl when the shoe is on the other foot.

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President Bush speaking about Cuba

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President Bush speaking about Cuba:

“All elections in Castro’s Cuba have been a fraud. The voices of the Cuban people have been suppressed, and their votes have been meaningless. That’s the truth.”

And how, exactly is that different than here in the United States, where the man in the White House is not the one who was elected by the American people? Note to “President” Bush: The entire world is laughing heartily at your speech.

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Bush waves at Stevie Wonder

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From the Washington Post:

Here’s a vignette we’re dying to see on the ABC broadcast of Sunday’s Ford’s Theatre Presidential Gala: When Stevie Wonder sat down at the keyboard center stage, President Bush in the front row got very excited. He smiled and started waving at Wonder, who understandably did not respond. After a moment Bush realized his mistake and slowly dropped the errant hand back to his lap. “I know I shouldn’t have,” a witness told us yesterday, “but I started laughing.”

There was an attempted Republican spin job after this that claimed it wasn’t true, but then a half dozen other witnesses came forward and said that it was.

Debunked, according to Snopes.com

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Invading Iraq

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Maybe Daschle will get crucified for stating the truth, but there’s nothing you can do to me for saying it: If we don’t get Osama bin Laden, there’s no way in hell we should be considering taking action against other countries like Iran, Iraq, and North Korea. All this “axis of evil” is just bull-shit to cover the fact that our “war on terror” is stuck in the mud and not going anywhere.

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Texas Dems Get Bushwacked

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I KNEW there was something fishy about all that thunderous applause before Bush’s acceptance speech. Turns out there weren’t any Democrats allowed in the room. Texas Dems Get Bushwacked.

President-elect George W. Bush delivered his long-awaited acceptance speech Wednesday night to thunderous applause from the Democrat-controlled Texas House of Representatives, highlighting Bush’s boasts of having reached across the aisle to work with Democrats. Or so it appeared.

But the shiny bipartisan veneer Bush hopes will follow him into the Oval Office lost some of its luster Thursday, when many Democratic representatives said they weren’t invited to the speech, and at least one even after having requested an invitation.

“We weren’t asked to come,” says state Rep. Garnet Coleman.

Calling the Bush team’s failure to invite Democrats “phony” and “hypocritical,” Democratic state Rep. Kevin Bailey, D-Houston, said that “it was kind of surprising that we weren’t invited.”

They were all applauding because they were all Republicans. But mark my words– celebrating was a big mistake. There was nothing for you to celebrate, Bush. Over half the people in this country didn’t want you, and grinning like an idiot only makes them more mad. “Pull together behind the president,” my ass. I don’t care what Al Gore says, George W. Bush is not my president, and I know I’m not the only one to think so.

I’m with all those people who are organizing on the internet to protest Bush’s Inauguration in January. I may not get to go, but I’ll spend the day in conspicuous mourning. And I almost have my “Impeach G.W. Bush” bumper stickers done.

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The Third Debate

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For those who did not watch the presidential debate, here was what was said:

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker’s time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let’s start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can’t hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.

Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors is on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let’s turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn’t get it done. If I’m elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we’re going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I’ve always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I’m entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It’s a vital issue, Jim. That’s why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That’s fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I’m going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It’s time for closing statements.

Gore: I’m my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It’s time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.

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Florida Kicked Out of United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming.

"We’re all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

>From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn f***ing English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy. "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they’re on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink. Blue hair F***ers."

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