Delicious Nut Sale – Update

Several years ago, I posted a memo that went around at work — It was a fund-raising notice from Spay-Neuter Services of Indiana announcing their “Delicious Annual Nut Sale” to raise money for their programs. Funny, right?

Yesterday, one of the folks from the organization found the post on my blog and wrote me to let me know that they still have nut sales going on to fund-raise for their not-for-profit work:

Just wanted to say “thanks” for posting … even in humor we hope to bring more attention to the importance of spay/neuter for dogs and cats.

By the way, we still have nuts to sell. Even malted milk balls. Delicious is right!

Spay-Neuter Services of Indiana, Inc.
P.O. Box 55917
Indianapolis, IN 46205-0917
Voice Mail 317.767.7771
Fax 866.771.0358
www.spayneuterservices.org
Available:
27 almond $7
17 clusters $8
8 malted milk $6
22 peanut $5
45 pecans $8
60 deluxe mixed $7
(sorry, no more cashews)

The also have some fun t-shirts for sale at their website.

Delicious, funny, and for a great cause – that’s quite a trifecta.

Continue ReadingDelicious Nut Sale – Update

The Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

Continue ReadingThe Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

Delicious Annual Nut Sale (Spay-Neuter Serv.)

I know this “true story” is true, because it’s an actual memo that got sent around our work email.

It’s this time of year again!

The wonderful nut assortments are once again available, benefitting Spay-Neuter Services of Indiana. Included are pecan halves, mixed nuts, chocolate pecan clusters, whole cashews, honey roasted peanuts, white chocolate pretzels, and chocolate-covered almonds.

Order deadline is Oct. 9. Please stop by my desk on 5th floor (5062).

Thanks — take it from those who ordered them last year — they’re delicious and reasonably priced!

Update – One of the folks from Spay-Neuter Services of Indiana found this on my blog and wrote me to let me know that they still have nut sales going on to fund-raise for their not-for-profit work — you can find out how to order here:

Spay-Neuter Services of Indiana, Inc.
P.O. Box 55917
Indianapolis, IN 46205-0917
Voice Mail 317.767.7771
Fax 866.771.0358

www.spayneuterservices.org
Available:
27 almond $7
17 clusters $8
8 malted milk $6
22 peanut $5
45 pecans $8
60 deluxe mixed $7
(sorry, no more cashews)

They also have some fun t-shirts for sale at their website.

Delicious, funny, and for a great cause – that’s quite a trifecta.

Continue ReadingDelicious Annual Nut Sale (Spay-Neuter Serv.)

Elementary, Dear Watson

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  • Post category:Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:

"Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Continue ReadingElementary, Dear Watson

The “Hoo Haa” Monologues

Irony, the phone is for you. A Florida theater was forced to change the name on their marquee after morons complained about the word “vagina” appearing in the title of the play “The Vagina Monologues” – which is, of course, a play about making women more comfortable talking about their bodies.
Personally, I wouldn’t have chosen hoohaa as the replacement — it should, of course, in the spirit of the play, be “Cunt.”

ATLANTIC BEACH, Fla. — A modified marquee in Atlantic Beach has been drawing some attention. “Hoohaa” replaced a word in the title of a play after a driver complained about finding the previous wording offensive.
“We got a complaint about this play The Vagina Monologues,” said Bryce Pfanenstiel, of the Atlantic Theater. The Hoohah Monologues is a replacement title for The Vagina Monologues — a well-known play about that part of the female body. “We decided we would just use child slang for it. That’s how we decided on Hoohah Monologues,” Pfanenstiel said. They did this after a driver who saw it complained to the theater, saying she was upset that her niece saw it.
“I’m on the phone and asked ‘What did you tell her?’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended I had to answer the question,'” Pfanenstiel said.

Continue ReadingThe “Hoo Haa” Monologues

I Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual

by Justin, of Gay Christian.net

as Justin points out on his site, “Ex-gay” people admit they have what they call ongoing “same gender attraction” (called SGA in the song) but claim they’re not actually gay. (Never mind that the definition of gay is “being attracted to some one of your own sex.)

I.
I am the very model of an ex-gay individual
I’ve no more gay attractions (okay, maybe a residual)
I go to ex-gay conferences, where folks hold me accountable
They say with Jesus, SGA is never insurmountable
I think of God, not Gaynor, when I hear someone say Gloria
I always stay a block away from local gay emporia
I’ve read 8 books on how to please my wife while I’m caressing her
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
[Chorus:
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
And probably a dozen more by Dr. Laura Schlessing-Schlessinger!]

Continue ReadingI Am The Very Model Of An Ex-Gay Individual

Interoffice Games

A list of games to play at work, shamelessly cribbed from Jane McGonigal’s gaming blog, but she received it in e-mail from her mom, so fair sharing must apply. I recognize some of these from some of my other lists of pranks you can play.

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ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

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FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5) After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9) In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.” (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

TEN POINT DARES

And if that wasn’t enough for you… How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it “IN”.
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”

Continue ReadingInteroffice Games

I wish it really were The Onion

The news satire paper The Onion is going to need to step it up a notch if they’re going to keep ahead of the ridiculousness of current real news, these days, There are three articles I’ve read this week online that I at first expected to be articles from that paper; turns out they aren’t, which is scary. Or amusing. Or both.
1. Human species ‘may split in two’:

People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the “underclass” humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

2. Bush seeks to block enemies from space:

President Bush has signed an order asserting the United States’ right to deny adversaries access to space for hostile purposes.
Bush also said the United States would oppose the development of treaties or other restrictions that seek to prohibit or limit U.S. access to or use of space.
…”Freedom of action in space is as important to the United States as air power and sea power,” the policy says. “In order to increase knowledge, discovery, economic prosperity, and to enhance the national security, the United States must have robust, effective, and efficient space capabilities.”

3. U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael “Heckuva Job” Chertoff on U. S. dissidents (like me!) “becoming terrorists” through the use of the Internet:

Disaffected people living in the United States may develop radical ideologies and potentially violent skills over the internet and that could present the next major U.S. security threat, U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said on Monday.
“We now have a capability of someone to radicalize themselves over the internet,” Chertoff said on the sidelines of a meeting of International Association of the Chiefs of Police.
“They can train themselves over the internet. They never have to necessarily go to the training camp or speak with anybody else and that diffusion of a combination of hatred and technical skills in things like bomb-making is a dangerous combination,” Chertoff said. “Those are the kind of terrorists that we may not be able to detect with spies and satellites.”
Chertoff pointed to the July 7, 2005 attacks on London’s transit system, which killed 56 people, as an example a home-grown threat.
To help gather intelligence on possible home-grown attackers, Chertoff said Homeland Security would deploy 20 field agents this fiscal year into “intelligence fusion centers,” where they would work with local police agencies.
By the end of the next fiscal year, he said the department aims to up that to 35 staffers.

Well, as long as they’re all like Michael Brown, I think I’ll be okay.

Continue ReadingI wish it really were The Onion