funny lists

You Know You’re a Queen if:

Author Unknown

  1. If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  2. If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  3. If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  4. If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  5. If you know how to spell Barbra’s first name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  6. If you’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  7. If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  8. If you’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  9. If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  10. If you’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  11. If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  12. If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  13. If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  14. If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  15. If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  16. If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  17. If you’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  18. If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  19. If someone says "How ’bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  20. If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  21. If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  22. If you still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s,
    then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  23. If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  24. If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  25. If you’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  26. If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  27. If you’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn’t match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
  28. If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  29. If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  30. If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
  31. If you’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  32. If you’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  33. If you’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  34. If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you’re a Queen.
  35. If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  36. If you’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  37. If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
    you’re a Queen.
  38. If you’ve ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  39. If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  40. If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you’re a sick Queen.
  41. If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  42. If you’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you’re a Queen.
  43. Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe

YES ANSWERS:

Over 40 – Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 – Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 – Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 – Nathan Lane!
Under 24 – Honey, you’re not hanging out with the right people!

Continue ReadingYou Know You’re a Queen if:

A Few Holiday Favorites With A Gay Twist

author unknown

"Frosty the Snow Queen"

(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the snow queen
Had a rotten Christmas Day,
While the children played with their sweet charade
He was anything but Gay.

Frosty the Snow Queen
Thought the kids had made a mess.
He deplored the pipe and the old top hat,
He preferred to wear a dress.

They made him sled, they made him skate
They had a snowball fight.
And when they put him on some skis
How it made his snowballs tight (ouch!)

He hated Christmas,
Not a hoot like Hallowe’en.
Without sequined gowns and bejewelled crowns
He’s a frigid closet queen.

All season long dear Frosty pined
And lonliness he felt
Until he spied a handsome hunk
And his heart began to melt!

They moved to the North Pole
Where their lives are cool and free.
And together during six-month nights
They’re as happy as can be!

"O Horny Dyke"

(To the tune of "O Holy Night")

O horny Dyke, riding on a Harley
With chrome exhaust and the front wheel chopped.
Ride through the night, roaring down the highway
Through quiet towns whose sad silence is stopped.

In leather chaps to match her leather jacket
And polished boots she blazes into town.
Fall on your knees! And worship Mistress Harley!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke — Dyke on a bike!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke, O horny Dyke!

"Have a Flaming Screaming Yultide"

(To the tune of "Have a holly, jolly Christmas")

Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide,
It’s the best time of the year
For all to know
That you’re Ho-mo
And happy to be Queer.

Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide
And as you walk down the street
Say "Hello"
To Dykes you know
And every Fag you meet.

Ho! Ho! If you’re Homo
Let everyone see!
Come out of the closet now,
Flaunt it publicly!

Have a flaming screaming Yuletide
And in case you didn’t hear:
Come on, Mary, have a
Flaming, screaming Yuletide this year!

"Bisexual"

(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")

Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!
Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!

You’ll sleep with women and with men
You’ll switch and then go back again.

Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!

A day or two ago, I thought I’d take a ride
And soon a buff Marine was seated by my side.
His chest was lean and hard, and free from any hair
And when I stripped him of his clothes
His legs went in the air!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!

"Let ‘Em Rave"

(To the tune of "Let It Snow")

O the fundies outside are frightful
But we Queers are so delightful.
They’re quite disturbed we are Gay, but
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

They scream and they wave their Bible
Shouting hateful libel.
We know they’re all closet Gays, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

When we finally kiss goodnight
We’ll be sure that the fundies can see.
During kiss-ins they get up-tight
‘Cuz they’d like to join you and me!

They’re zeal is slowly dying
They’ll soon be Queer-sex trying.
I did their pastor just the other day, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!

And finally, for a little multi-culturalism…

"The Dildo Song"

(To the tune of "The Dreidle Song")

O dildo, dildo, dildo
I made you out of clay
And when you’re hard and ready
O dildo I will play

When I was a youngster
Indoors I’d always stay
And in my parents’ closet
O dildo I would play

I dildo, dildo, dildo
I bought you yesterday
And when desire’s burning
O dildo I will play!

Continue ReadingA Few Holiday Favorites With A Gay Twist

Some lesbian jokes, removed

Author Unknown

Post from February 10, 1996 is REDACTED.

2013 Update: I removed the list that was “funny rules of lesbian living” from this site because I’ve been undergoing a harassment campaign from the woman who claims to have originated the list, threatening me with a cease and desist and threatening to report me to my internet service provider.

She did not write the original list, she merely copied from online sources. If you search USENET under the group soc.women.lesbian-and-bi, you will find several threads from 1988-1989 where people posted these rules back and forth, and in fact you’ll find me contributing to it. In addition, I have an email of the same funny list forwarded to me in 1995, long before Shelly’s book came out.

I actually copied and pasted the list that used to be here from that 1995 email. In February of 1996. Also long before her damned book came out. This site has been around since 1994. Some of us are old, and have grown-up websites. This site actually goes into bars and is able to drink alcohol without me, and never get carded.

Note that I also removed the link to this woman’s book on Amazon.com – which was my way of being nice to her and forwarding people to the book she published of other people’s original content posted online. I’m not going to be nice an send people to buy her work if she sends me threats.

It’s not like the list was that funny, and it contained a lot of unflattering stereotypes of lesbians that, looking back at it, I don’t think I want to have around my site anyway.

Continue ReadingSome lesbian jokes, removed

Are YOU a Problem Thinker?

Author Unknown

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – "to relax," I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was> thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, butyour thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I’ve been thinking…"

"I know you’ve been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it’s not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!"

"That’s a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. "I’m going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky’s." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking!

Continue ReadingAre YOU a Problem Thinker?